Tried out a future but

JustKeepTrying · July 12, 2020, 01:03:40 AM

I just returned from a long trip. I went camping for three weeks with a girlfriend. She went because I am still recovering from a broken leg. We thought camping would be something that we could do with little people contact and be covid free.

Within the first few days of camping I received a text from my OCPDxh. He asked a simple question - did have X? I replied no I did not. He asked again and when did I use it last? I told him I returned it to him last ? He replied no you used it on blank. and so on. He was relentless. Making me anxious and angry that he wouldn't accept my no and move on. that he had to prove me wrong. He knew when I was leaving and could have asked before I left but no, he had to ask just after I left and ruin the first few good days.

Then he did again. With another request. Did I do this for our son? I couldn't remember so I left our camp site and drove 20 miles over dirt road to get a wifi signal and figure it out. Only to find that it had been taken care of and they didn't tell me. Another day ruined.

I will never be free from this man. Divorce is final. Money separated. Kids are taken care of and OK. Please move on.

My girlfriend was appalled. She is the survivor of spousal abuse and immediately recognized the control tactics. On the surface they appear so normal. Do you have? But the constant followup and hammering of questions after the initial no is insane!

So the result is I am back from the trip early because campers became covid refugees and flooded the campgrounds. No longer safe to camp. And I am left confused. I wanted to do this full time after my youngest graduates. But will I ever be able to far enough to be free from him?

GettingOOTF · July 12, 2020, 06:27:25 AM

It took a long time for my ex to stop with stuff like this and I had to train him. He would text and ask if I had a random document, or something of his. I eventually learned not to engage. I would say a simple no or "I do not have anything of yours", then I stopped responding. He still emails about stuff but for the most part I ignore it.

You may never be free of him but you can manage the contact through boundaries. My ex behaves as if he still has rights to access me. Like we were never divorced.

I don't know how old your kids are so I'm not sure how realistic NC is for you. I'd real up on boundaries, figure out what you are comfortable with and go with that. One could be that you only respond to text during certain hours and only if it pertains to the kids.

It took me a long time to realize that I didn't have to jump whenever my ex told me to.

What your ex is doing is abuse. It's about controlling your life. My ex does this. He does it by saying "happy birthday" or some other innocuous thing. I sound crazy for being upset but what he is really saying is "I know what Is going on in your life and I can still get to you". It's a threat.

After I divorced I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I never thought of my ex as abusive until I read that book. It really helped me see my situation for what it was.

Be careful around him. This is the list dangerous time for a woman and he now has nothing left to lose when it comes to you.

It was very helpful to me to remind myself that my ex is a grown man capable of solving his own problems and that a missing book was an emergency. It took me a really really long time to break the habits of my marriage where he'd create some "emergency" and I'd dance around fixing it. Reading Codependent No More was a game changer from me in how I live and how I interact with others.

11JB68 · July 12, 2020, 08:21:26 AM

Soon after the time that I almost left my bff and I went away for ONE night to her family's cottage. I had to call when I got there, call to say goodnight, call in the morning, be home by x o'clock next day.
FF about 10 years. BFF dying. I go up to her place to help her daughter with something. Uocpdh calls me are you there yet? How long will you be? (JUST got there) hour later: how much longer? BFF wanted me to stay the night and I felt I had to say no. She asked me to plan a night I could stay over. I told uocpdh that my dying friend needed a sleep over... He grudgingly agreed

Again... Phone calls, when are you coming home? She was DYING!

pushit · July 12, 2020, 10:27:17 AM

I'm with GettingOOTF on this one. I've been training my exPDw to stop bothering me and it's working pretty well. I rarely hear from her nowadays. In the early days of our divorce she would text me a lot about small worries for the kids. (Did you do X, do you remember the appointment tomorrow, do they have the book packed in their bag type of stuff) A few blunt replies from me about how I'm capable of parenting them during my time and she doesn't need to worry about it did the trick.

In regards to the camping situation I would recommend simply replying that you're not sure and you will deal with it when you're home. Politely send the message that unless it's an emergency you're not to be bothered while you're camping, then stop responding.

PeanutButter · July 12, 2020, 12:17:23 PM

Quote from: GettingOOTF on July 12, 2020, 06:27:25 AM
... I eventually learned not to engage.... I stopped responding. ...You may never be free of him but you can manage the contact through boundaries.
...I don't know how old your kids are so I'm not sure how realistic NC is for you. I'd read up on boundaries, figure out what you are comfortable with and go with that. One could be that you only respond to text during certain hours and only if it pertains to the kids. It took me a long time to realize that I didn't have to jump whenever my ex told me to. ... I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft....It was very helpful to me to remind myself that my ex is a grown man capable of solving his own problems ...It took me a really really long time to break the habits of my marriage where he'd create some "emergency" and I'd dance around fixing it. Reading Codependent No More was a game changer from me in how I live and how I interact with others.

Posted by: JustKeepTrying

QuoteMaking me anxious and angry that he wouldn't accept my no and move on that he had to prove me wrong. He knew when I was leaving and could have asked before I left but no, he had to ask just after I left and ruin the first few good days...
Then he did again. With another request. Did I do this for our son? I couldn't remember so I left our camp site and drove 20 miles over dirt road to get a wifi signal and figure it out. Only to find that it had been taken care of and they didn't tell me. Another day ruined.

What if you could have accepted that he will continue to be this way? He likes manipulating you. What if you chose to be ok with him not accepting your 'no' and you moved on regardless of him trying to prove you wrong? What if you didn't feel the necessity to have an answer for him? What if you had not driven 20 miles for wifi signal but told him you couldnt remember and stayed enjoying yourself camping?
Thats the kind of empowerment that is possible from taking the tips and suggestions of GettingOOTF ime.

Good luck. IME after you get out of a toxic relationship with an abuser you then have to 'get the abuser out of you' also in order to heal.

JustKeepTrying · July 13, 2020, 11:09:40 AM

I read your suggestions when they were posted. I am only replying now because I needed time to process your responses. Still working through them but now able to acknowledge and respond.

This is the not the first time I have been this advice. Perhaps all of yours is more direct and better worded because it made some progress. I ordered the books and will try to work through them.

I don't know why I am hesitant and anxious to do the work. A year ago I was having daily seizures from PTSD until I worked through the trauma. Facing it all again and doing the work is hard and I am angry that I have to do it I suppose. Darn it, but realizing that I have to get the PD out of me just seems not fair.

Yes I realize that is whiney.

Like a stubborn child I will do the work, eat my veggies and make my bed. Sigh and eye roll.

In all seriousness, thank you for taking the time to respond in a positive and loving/direct way.

JustKeepTrying · July 19, 2020, 06:18:18 PM

I want to thank everyone again for their suggestions and advice. I purchased the books "Why do Men do that?"; CoDependcy workbook and Gaslight Recovery workbook. I took the weekend in my rv - by myself - and the books to spend some time working through the books. Try to get a quiet, contemplative head start so to speak. I found them incredibly helpful. Especially the Why Men book. Blows my mind that it all boils down to values. Not mental illness but values.

Thank you again for all of your support.

PeanutButter · July 20, 2020, 02:38:30 AM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on July 19, 2020, 06:18:18 PM
I want to thank everyone again for their suggestions and advice. I purchased the books "Why do Men do that?"; CoDependcy workbook and Gaslight Recovery workbook. I took the weekend in my rv - by myself - and the books to spend some time working through the books. Try to get a quiet, contemplative head start so to speak. I found them incredibly helpful. Especially the Why Men book. Blows my mind that it all boils down to values. Not mental illness but values.

Thank you again for all of your support.