Married to a Religious Narcissist

[tragedy or hope]

Thank you Adria. I did watch the video. And ifoot, I agree.
I recently heard a talk by the deceased missionary Elizabeth Elliott, whose husband was murdered by the very people he had gone to minister to.

I love her definition of suffering.

"Suffering is wanting something we don't have or having something we don't want."

That about covers it for everybody. What I have as a child of God is peace with Him and, my BIBLE Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. I have a handbook to help me work my way through this mire of troubles.

This is how I could love my deceased husband. He was not all bad and I was not all good.  In my despair I had in my hands the wisdom the world does not have.  I lived my life according to principles and doctrines that have not changed through centuries until recently when some have paraphrased and cut and pasted truth to their liking.

And so we suffer in this life. if it is not a personality disorder, it will be something else. Were I to have run from the life I had, there would have been another kind of suffering around the corner.

God always saw my pain. The question is, what did I do with it? I grew, I studied, I ran to an ever present Lord who understood rejection, shame, despair, hate etc. Happiness is like a vapor. Just ask Solomon. There is peace and joy in following God's precepts,  I can attest to that.

I see that God had been working through the whole of that relationship and particularly in the last 10 years to show me that it is not the relationship that matters as much as my spiritual growth and understanding, my personal relationship with the Living God. Oh, what I would have missed if I had gone my own way.

I am not wise enough to choose my own suffering. Only God knows what is best for me. I am grateful.

[Adria]

Tragedy or hope,

You're awesome! You nailed it.  What do they say? "Better sleeping with the devil you know than the devil you don't know.  As a side note, I divorced my first husband. I stayed for ten years until the stress nearly killed me.  He was a horrible man. You name it. He did it.  Remarried a few years later. Thought I had it all figured out.  My second husband was a better man, but had terrible emotional problems.  We are married 29 years, but it has been very hard on me as well.  So, like you said, probably just exchange one kind of pain for another.  It sounds like you did what you did for all the right reasons.  God holds every tear.  You are strong and a warrior as may of us are here on the forum.  This life isn't easy, but we are to glorify God. Sometimes the road is tough when we try to stay true to ourselves and our beliefs.  God will sort it all out in the end.  I wish you a bright future. Blessings, Adria

[tragedy or hope]

Epiphany!
We were studying Christ the great high priest in Hebrews. Someone mentioned the two sons of Aaron... who were struck dead for offering "strange fire," and not the incense God had instructed them to use.

"And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not."
"And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD."
Lev. 10:1 (KJV)

It went right to my heart. Another answer.

A religious narcissist is offering "strange fire" to God. They are living out their life according to what they think is appropriate, not God.

Treating a spouse with disrespect on a regular basis, not meeting any of their relationship needs, abusing them by word or deed etc. then walking into church as an innocent is "strange fire" to God.

Further in the chapter God basically tells their father Aaron, to not even grieve them, keep doing what he was required to do for God.
I
A lesson learned. Their show may not be seen by those around them but God does not miss a whiff of it. in due time He brings His own justice, because He is not mocked. it's His way or no way.

I am free to apply the grief I lived in years with one such person and move forward.

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 13: 13-14

[SonofThunder]

ToH,

It's so great to read of your continued revelations of truth regarding scripture and your experiences!   Thanks so much for sharing, as it allows me to also ponder your new epiphany-answers in relation to my ongoing relationships and increases in my understanding. 

SoT

[Mary]

Thanks so much for continuing to share your story and insights ToH! It is encouraging!
Mary

[Falsebalance]

So glad I found your posts.

I was ready to leave....

And made a serious demand....

And then he watched a 'Christian' movie at the suggestion of his boss who thinks he can help....and now I'm being love bombed.

But I also feel all of my prayers being answered as "wait. Don't make a move right now." As if I stay there will be more reward but if I must leave the Lord understands as well but there will be more trouble.

I realized after reading the script of the movie he mentioned making things click for him - he is acting out this movie and thinks it will fix us.

I don't understand why I'm being led to stay but I want to obey the Lord above all.


I'm so sad and tired. Sorry to hijack but I wanted to tell you I'm grateful for your thoughts and I'll be reading!

[Falsebalance]

Let me guess, did he watch Fireproof? Ironically I was told to watch that too ... but not as the abuser, as the victim. I was told maybe if I did the "love dare" she would stop being mean to me. 

Side note: I did not try this, because I've finally learned I am not the problem.

Bottom line, I would hedge your bets and see if it lasts. In my experience, a PD can "act nice" for a season, but it won't last long. Soon enough his true self will come out. See what happens when there is a conflict or something he doesn't like. That's when my PD spouse shows her true colors.

Gaaaahhhhhh!
Yes! Fireproof.

And I've gotten flowers and just felt like we're onto a new script. Been invited out for lunch and he will put me on his financial account now. As I demanded this while he was punishing me by instead of moving out like he threatened- going to casinos until 4 and 5 am.

It's like he just switches characters and he can be a cardboard cutout but if I tire of the role and need real interaction I will blow it all up again.

I read the plot last night to fireproof and I couldn't sleep after that. So cheesy and magical and that's not what is going to happen!

He was saying things that I would bet were lines from the movie.

The worst part is during the love bombing I don't even get to say what I need to say. During his give me time I can change speech I can't say how I feel because I'm afraid it'll be used as a weapon later.

I told him I met with an attorney and he said good I'm glad you take care of yourself.  Give me 6 months and if you still want to leave you can.

He said he wasn't even going to fight me for time with the kids 

My heart is broken realizing how broken he really is. And how this can all go up in smoke again any minute.

But everything every answer I felt from the Lord when I was READY to get out of here was no. Wait. Let God handle it.

I'm so stressed out. Sorry for venting.

Just the plot of the movie made me want to throw up.  And he has tried giving me pecks on the lips and I just don't want to. He keeps his eyes open to see if I'm going to let him and then it's SO akward.

I know abuse is a personal decision. I have attracted it from Infancy though - so I feel there must be something I do that keeps this going.

This time I just feel like being honest at all costs. But that may excite this new script for him as I read the guy had to chase his wife.

He's never chased after me and I was very MC about him coming back and he acted like he was going to have to fight for me but I wasn't acting that way. None of it made sense until I read the script.

At least I know the role he expects this time hah. Hah.

[tragedy or hope]

Adventure! I am going camping in our 50th anniversary gift to one another... a very comfortable travel trailer. My husband as you may remember or unpdh died in Nov. around Thanksgiving.

I have been practicing backing up his 31 ft. travel trailer... not great but sufficient. Today I get my back up camera installed. I am off for 4 days camping with just my dog. I have joined a Girl Camper club in my state and I am so excited to do this.

I woke this morning from a bad dream where my unpdh had been flirting in front of me... when I asked why he was doing it (in my dream) he said, "because I want to." Such are the ways of a narcissist. Cruel to the core sometimes.

Anyway, I wanted to share my joy and excitement at doing what I love. He refused to teach me certain things so I learned on my own without his interference. I think he was afraid I would leave him. The trailer is quite liveable.

Also what God has done for me recently is given me a church home. I absolutely love it. I am so grateful to God for his many blessings. People have consistently sent me cards only thanking me for visiting in the hopes I will return. They are warm, welcoming, inviting and I do not have to feel anxious about what unpdh might say. I am free to just love them and casually get to know them. I found the church by attending a bible study I wanted to go to for years that unpdh frowned upon.

The church even has elders, which is very impotant to me.

I am in the process of getting repairs done to my deck which has needed attention for years. Unpdh would hire inept people and complain to me about their work while sharing the gospel to their face like they were hostages.

Anyway... much to do today to prepare for my adventure. I have no regrets. I am so sure that God loves me, meets my needs and cares about my hurting heart more than ever. I feel free and not bound by an underlying dread about everything.

More later. I have to go have fun now.

[SonofThunder]

ToH, that is exciting news on many fronts and congratulations!   Looking forward to hearing about the camping experiences, and so glad to know you found a new church home.  Best wishes for continued good news and joy.

SoT

[square]

"Because I want to" - wow. What a thing you've been processing in your dreams.

Whoo-hoo on the trailer and church family!! Only yesterday I had a brief fantasy that DD and I could just take off and live a campng trailer life.

Enjoy!!

[tragedy or hope]

I DID IT!
Me and my dog spent 4 days glamping in my 31 ft. travel trailer. I attended a meeting in the area with bible study friends... Community Bible Studies (aka CBS) for the last of the semester share day which was the icing on the cake.
I felt very emotional walking into a room full of women who have committed to study the
Word everyday and come each week to share what they have learned. Because I live far I was in a Zoom group. The love in that room was heavenly.
I missed my unpdh on my trip terribly. It was one of the deepest sadnesses I have felt since his  passing. I had to just sit with it. I appreciated all the things I learned from him about the trailer set up and take down, and the many parts of it he did willingly that I did not really pay much attention to.
I missed his building a campfire for me. He didn't like it the way I did,  but he always made sure I had one.

I could not bring myself to build one this time. It was just too emotional.

It was a time of vulnerability. It made me feel like a softer human being. Less guarded and more accepting of everything and everyone around me.

I enjoyed peace. I slept like a princess. The park was full of couples families and tons of kids on bikes with training wheels. I mean inner peace. It was so clear to me that I was "plagued" by a spirit which disrupted all of my joys and what I thought was peace, when I could get it. I realized, I had peace with God, not this man.

I believe Narcissism IS spiritual.

Everything I did this trip was not overshadowed by something dark. It's the only way i can describe it.
I learned more about solo "glamping..." I got help from several people in the park upon my departure, which I needed. I had to park in my space without help; the office told me when i got there that they "Don't do that" which is not common, I understand. I had to push through it.

I have done some repairable damage my trailer, scrapes and a nice gash from jack knifinfg but this not surprising. I took my first solo trip a little too soon. I have to practice backing up. However, I am good with it. I needed to do it. After much more practice I will make necessary repairs. I don't want a smaller trailer. I love this one. It is home to me and my dog.

It was a great and memorable trip. The grounds where I stayed were the first place me and my unpdh stayed in our first 17 ft. travel trailer. Lots of memories about that too.

I have more trips planned. it is physical work to hook up and stuff but as long as I am able I would like to continue.

TAWANDA! 

[SonofThunder]

Such a great post ToH!!  Love it!  I can just feel the powerful, positive energy in your writing.  Congrats on the accomplishment! 

SoT

[bloomie]

tragedy or hope - a victorious adventure! What courage to take on such new challenges. Inspiring.

I believe Narcissism IS spiritual.

100% agree!

[square]

I enjoyed reading every word of that. You go!

[BeautifulCrazy]

 

Agree with last 3 posts!!
Good for you!!
I love reading Out of the FOG success stories!! 

I am glad you are experiencing such goodness in this lifetime, tragedy or hope, after your PD marriage.

[Mary]

Oh T/H, I am so happy for you, and VERY impressed. You go girl!

It sounds like the trip was an important time to process your grief, but without guilt. It is a process, isn't it?

Mary

[tragedy or hope]

I have not been here for awhile. Guess what? I missed him on my TT adventure, but... still enjoyed myself. I missed him because we played well together. That's all. Life was hard in every other way. God was good to give us several years like that. Otherwise I can't imagine how awful I would be feeling now.
Anyway, it is Memorial weekend and all I can hear are all of the boats going up and down the river. I do not know how to back the boat into the storage garage,  so I can't use it I am still working on the Travel trailer. Plus, who would go with!? Believe it or not family here does not enjoy it!

We had many good days on the river, well I did anyway. We stayed until the sun had gone down some days, so the memories are so clear right now. i had to come inside and just close the blinds when i thought I would enjoy hearing others on the river, watching them cruise in the sun.

Widowhood is not fun. I cannot change it. But right now I believe God is doing a remarkable thing for me. Instead of feeling that I wasted 50 yrs with someone who could not receive love... I am reminded of the good times and good things that took place; why I first loved him and how I knew early on things would not be normal.

Because we played well together, we did a lot of it. when we had the money and somehow when we didn't. It was kind of a reprieve for both of us.  I am also reflecting on feelings and how often I let them get the better of me.

I think I put way too much of my soul into it when like him I could have been satisfying my self in other ways. To the day he died, he was as predictable as a clock. I miss that.

I have three other TT trips planned. I loved sharing life even with a crab if I had to, much preferred to being alone on excursions but I am doing it anyway. That or stay at home and just get older. No point in that for me.

My life is the only one that has changed so the few friends and family I have just don't get it and they are living as they had been. I am alone in my situation. They really don't get it and I don't expect them to. I found another griefshare group close to my home I will start in June.
Yet another attempt to find some friends in this wonderfully beautiful place God has provided for me to live.

[square]

Those are good memories.

Regardless of whether you'd choose the same if you could go back, whether or not the price was too high, you've grown a great deal in the pain, and that is a blessing.

[tragedy or hope]

Thanks Square,
Yeah, I guess I have grown and will continue, I hope. All I can think of is being "the widow who lives in that house," as others have been described to me.

Few people say the "widower" who lives in that house. Interesting.  I feel I have been left to be labeled and avoided by some. Couples especially and I understand. I'm not a kid, or looking to find someone... talk about time to find who I am!

I already know. Most of my doings are the same. I would say letting go of an N can bring many problems in life when they are still around. The one thing I have now is serenity in a way I have NEVER had it before. I don't have to worry what will be used to hurt me next. it was a furiously played cat and mouse game. I could never be the cat unless I wanted trouble.

I went from a crazy home into a crazy marriage in my youth. For the first time in my
life constant anxiety and stress are gone. Sometimes I even feel happy all by myself, and I can make myself happy without interference. I realize life goes very fast and our emotional problems can rob us of our joy and peace.

Sometimes we can't live with them and can't live without them. It's still all about what I did to take care of me. That's the only power I ever had.

[tragedy or hope]

Well said.