Getting worse - doing some really strange things

[p123]

My father used to pull stuff like that. I used to get so offended...did he really think I was so stupid that I didn't see right through him. And if you called him out on it he would pretend he couldn't hear me.

He is jealous that you have a family you WANT to spend time with and who WANT to be with you.  Of course he does not see that he lived his life the way he wanted and has ended in this place because of how he lived his life.  My father doesn't remember lavishing high praise on others and ignoring me.  Now all he knows is that those people are no longer around and all he has is me.   Now I am a VIP in his eyes.  But he is not in mine.  I remember how I was never important to him.  So he is not so important to me.   He would never understand that because that is not how he remembers things.

All I've ever wanted is a NORMAL relationship with my Dad. I take him out, we do nice things, he spends time with the grandkids, I help him where I can.

Nope he wants it all....

[goofycrumble]

All I've ever wanted is a NORMAL relationship with my Dad. I take him out, we do nice things, he spends time with the grandkids, I help him where I can.

Nope he wants it all....

Mr P123 I sorry to hear you or anyone feel like this about a parent. It's sad and disappointing isn't it? Just reflecting on all the drama, and latest crisis with my parents, the only word I can think of to describe how I feel about the things I've discovered is: Disappointed

They were so deeply dysfunctional they couldn't even manage their own adult affairs or standard responsibilities most of their lives. They were just very good at putting on appearances and giving an impression they were normal but in reality, it was false. Now that they are old, they just bailed on life and the deeper I looked I realised how deeply irresponsible they were with practically every aspect of adult life going back to even before I was born. It dawned on me that me being born might have even brought them more stability and sense of responsibility they didn't need to have before. I don't say this in a conceited way its just taking stock of my memories trying to piece together what the hell they've done with their lives.

I feel very sorry for my mother because I think she did not choose wisely forming a life with my father. He was not really top-notch husband material but I have to accept that she felt he was. And she choose to accept things as they were and do nothing to change her life or think of her future much less my future or a possible grandchild's or anyone else's

Why plan ahead? What's the point of thinking of the future? Why deal with responsibilities? Someone else will just deal with it. This is the consistent mindset they have always lived by. No matter what is done for them they will never be satisfied. There will be endless crisis, drama or urgent need. That's why you exist, it's for their use. Hence being their "extension"

I remember when I started getting bigger and wanting more independence and normality as a teenager I would complain as kids do about chores etc. My mother would just say "Well what have I got you for then? That's why I have a daughter". Not that chores teach me discipline and responsibility. I was trained to believe I was useless if I wasn't serving their needs. That's the entitlement. It shows in different ways and intensity but it is essentially self-absorbed it its core

[p123]

Did well yesterday totally ignored his latest drama......

I saw him at the weekend he moaned he'd been SOOOO ill. He wasn't. Spoke to him last night, he'd told me a story about how he'd had to call the doctor out URGENTLY, how'd they'd given him STRONG anti-biotics, an EMERGENCY X-ray and how they were worried about his breathing.

Past experience has shown there is NOTHING wrong apart from a common cold.

A year ago the had refused to come out to him but it seems they've forgotten. Of course, all of this validates it for him.
My Wife is District Nurse (visitign nurse) so sees old people every day. She says GPs just can't be bothered to argue with old people when they're convinced they've got a chest infection. Give them anti-biotics and they;re happy. Refuse and you risk relatives phoning and having at go at why you refused to treat their mum or dad. And of course, the xray is to rule out the VERY SLIM possibility of pneumonia (again imagine the family!).

So hes telling me how my brother is so worried and has been calling him twice a day but hes so weak he can hardly speak. (He forgot he told me he'd walked 1/2 mile to the betting shop on monday to bet on the horses). I just said "OK speak to you the weekend". Not getting drawn  into this latest drama......

Where he lives, has had some MAJOR flooding lately. Stores closed, his GP surgery is closed. They've asked people not to male appointments and have cancelled appointments. They are really struggling..... Yet Dad thinks his "cold" is an emergency. I honestly think, as he does with me, that hes done this to "test" the GP to ensure they can still look after him in ALL circumstances.

We have shows like Jerry Springer in the UK. You see people on there who do questionable things and you think "OMG". That my Dad at the moment. Hes my Dad but some of the really selfish things he does makes me look at him. He embarrasses me at the moment with how he is.

But not speaking to him now until the weekend. The circus can run on without me in the audience.

[Andeza]

Umm, gonna go out on a limb here and say they haven't forgotten his bad behavior, p123. He just described symptoms matching coronavirus and they had a minor freak out moment to make sure that wasn't it. Hence the pneumonia check.

You know if your dad's not careful he's gonna land himself in two weeks of quarantine at this rate. If they're doing that in Wales that is.

[p123]

Umm, gonna go out on a limb here and say they haven't forgotten his bad behavior, p123. He just described symptoms matching coronavirus and they had a minor freak out moment to make sure that wasn't it. Hence the pneumonia check.

You know if your dad's not careful he's gonna land himself in two weeks of quarantine at this rate. If they're doing that in Wales that is.

Of course. But if everyone was like my Dad there'd be no room to move in doctors surgeries for people who thought they had it.
He admitted he didnt even feel ill, just blocked up. Not serious.

Im not even bring up the subject of CoronaVirus because he'll assume he has it!

I wish they're reaction was just because of CV BUT its the 2rd time since xmas hes "had a chest infection" so even before CV was in the news. Would be typical of my Dad to get himself quarantined with made up CoronaVirus.

[NumbLotus]

Great job! It's working well, keep up the good work! The thing that is working is YOU. Dad will still try all his tricks but YOU aren't playing!

I felt proud of myself yesterday too, I didn't play along when my H was going ON about how I didn't invite him to watch a TV show that I was watching. We used to watch it but the last time I asked him if he wanted to he had a reaction that made me not want to ask again. So he's sitting there moaning about how I EXCLUDED him and on and on. I didn't literally ignore him, I said words, but I didn't play the game. It previously would have blown up sky high as he kept saying more ridiculous things, but it wasn't just that I MC'd him out loud, in my HEART I just felt like I was taking it as seriously as a toddler saying he would never eat again. Lol. Toddlers gonna toddler, no need to take it seriously. So good job to you and good job to me.

[Hazy111]

The problem as you are probably aware is that as he ages he is more likely to get these illnesses/infections, chest, bladder, kidney , you name it.  My father started getting them about 2007, all genuine in his case. Hes 94 next week and registered disabled (cant walk , but refuses to be pushed in a wheelchair) . Hes on a dozen tablets . Ive spent many many hours with him in A & E, long into the night,  waiting to see a doctor , waiting for blood results, as he was never an emergency , as it was usually an infection. He still smokes ,so now every time he goes in its a CHEST x-RAY as well.

Many led to hospitalisations where they put him on an antibiotic drip. Once or twice a year. He was usually out after a week or so.

Everything has packed up now, except his brain. I think he liked being in hospital initially (waited on, fed and cleaned and he had a regular supply of visitors (narc supply) and he was out after a couple of weeks.  But the last one lasted months ( he was in and out 3 separate hospitals) and he played up badly to get out when he was convalescing , trying to triangulate me against my sister as his fear was he was going to have to go into a nursing home. He refused point blank. Hes been found face down on the floor, been like it for hours before he was found by his carer. He really should be in one. ( But they are for old people who cant look after themselves, not him)

Your father appears to be "crying wolf" a lot for the supply. So you are going to be put in a double bind.  Genuine and not genuine illness. Good luck.

[lkdrymom]

My mom died from cancer in 2003.  After that my father belonged to the 'cancer of the month club'.  Every little cough, burp or fart..."it must be cancer!!".  If we went out to lunch I would time how long it took before he said the word CANCER.  47 seconds was his personal best.  And the worst part was I humored him by taking him to every specialist he could think of.   This went on for years!  Then he moved on to the topic of his bowel movements. I miss the cancer talks.

[p123]

The problem as you are probably aware is that as he ages he is more likely to get these illnesses/infections, chest, bladder, kidney , you name it.  My father started getting them about 2007, all genuine in his case. Hes 94 next week and registered disabled (cant walk , but refuses to be pushed in a wheelchair) . Hes on a dozen tablets . Ive spent many many hours with him in A & E, long into the night,  waiting to see a doctor , waiting for blood results, as he was never an emergency , as it was usually an infection. He still smokes ,so now every time he goes in its a CHEST x-RAY as well.

Many led to hospitalisations where they put him on an antibiotic drip. Once or twice a year. He was usually out after a week or so.

Everything has packed up now, except his brain. I think he liked being in hospital initially (waited on, fed and cleaned and he had a regular supply of visitors (narc supply) and he was out after a couple of weeks.  But the last one lasted months ( he was in and out 3 separate hospitals) and he played up badly to get out when he was convalescing , trying to triangulate me against my sister as his fear was he was going to have to go into a nursing home. He refused point blank. Hes been found face down on the floor, been like it for hours before he was found by his carer. He really should be in one. ( But they are for old people who cant look after themselves, not him)

Your father appears to be "crying wolf" a lot for the supply. So you are going to be put in a double bind.  Genuine and not genuine illness. Good luck.

Hazy of course. He is going to have genuine illnesses. But honestly, we're talking 10-12 fake hospital visits last two years - I just can't tell when its real or not.

Yes Dad is the same. Hes sad he'd rather die than go in a home. In his head, why I've got my sons to look after me.

[p123]

My mom died from cancer in 2003.  After that my father belonged to the 'cancer of the month club'.  Every little cough, burp or fart..."it must be cancer!!".  If we went out to lunch I would time how long it took before he said the word CANCER.  47 seconds was his personal best.  And the worst part was I humored him by taking him to every specialist he could think of.   This went on for years!  Then he moved on to the topic of his bowel movements. I miss the cancer talks.

OMG - I can well imagine. If me Dad ever got that idea in his head.....

He seems focused on chest infections/breathing. EVERY SINGLE cold is a chest infection he thinks.....

[p123]

Well the "illness" is getting worse. I've not phoned him all week.
Phoned his yesterday "Hi Dad", No hello just "I've been SOOOOO ill and you haven't phoned me". Here we go.....

Hes SOOO ill, brother has been phoning 3 times a day now and I've not bothered. He so "bunged up" and even though hes not aching, and hes eating ok, hes not feeling right. (Ummm not a doctor but it sounds like a cold to me!). Oh and all of this with a croaky voice (which changed back to normal when he forgot to continue it after a minute). So why haven't I phoned to see how he is? Hes waiting for the results of that xray (2 weeks apparently - must be considered URGENT then lol). Its not its just a routine check - he forgets my wife is a District Nurse so knows exactly why they do this - called "covering in case of legal action". But apparetly so he tells me when they see the X-ray they'll likely "take him into hospital because it'll be an emergency". I doubt it.

I've ignored it all so far and plan to continue to do so. Right course of action?

I get that people think I'm so horrible sometimes, and I get that he does get a little anxious with his help. In the past, I guess I'd pander to him but I can't do it now. There is no way to keep up with it - sound means I guess. I will tell him, doctors will tell him bit it makes no difference.

A year ago the GP did stop coming out. They told him he had a cold and they could not do anything. Alas, looks like they've forgotten and they're back to normal. They come up, give him anticiotics to shut him up - trouble is it validates it and makes him worse. I plan to leave them to it - they've (re)made their bed, they can deal with him.

Pray for me and when Dad ever gets an illness thats even mildly serious.....

[lkdrymom]

Well the "illness" is getting worse. I've not phoned him all week.
Phoned his yesterday "Hi Dad", No hello just "I've been SOOOOO ill and you haven't phoned me". Here we go.....

Hes SOOO ill, brother has been phoning 3 times a day now and I've not bothered. He so "bunged up" and even though hes not aching, and hes eating ok, hes not feeling right. (Ummm not a doctor but it sounds like a cold to me!). Oh and all of this with a croaky voice (which changed back to normal when he forgot to continue it after a minute). So why haven't I phoned to see how he is? Hes waiting for the results of that xray (2 weeks apparently - must be considered URGENT then lol). Its not its just a routine check - he forgets my wife is a District Nurse so knows exactly why they do this - called "covering in case of legal action". But apparetly so he tells me when they see the X-ray they'll likely "take him into hospital because it'll be an emergency". I doubt it.

I've ignored it all so far and plan to continue to do so. Right course of action?

I get that people think I'm so horrible sometimes, and I get that he does get a little anxious with his help. In the past, I guess I'd pander to him but I can't do it now. There is no way to keep up with it - sound means I guess. I will tell him, doctors will tell him bit it makes no difference.

A year ago the GP did stop coming out. They told him he had a cold and they could not do anything. Alas, looks like they've forgotten and they're back to normal. They come up, give him anticiotics to shut him up - trouble is it validates it and makes him worse. I plan to leave them to it - they've (re)made their bed, they can deal with him.

Pray for me and when Dad ever gets an illness thats even mildly serious.....

"Dad, all you have is the COMMON cold.  That does not require round the clock attendance by family.  If you are so concerned call your doctor.  I work on IT, what do you expect me to do for you?" (I realize that last line might open a can of worms).  They don't realize that all this cryin wolf desensitizes us to any issue they may or may not have.  My father goes to the ER so often over little to nothing that I had to stop going.  The hospital staff must think he is a poor old man whose family has abandoned him. The reality is his daughter is only 52 and still working full time.  She cannot take off of work on a weekly basis to run to the hospital over nothing. When he has a stroke to heart attack I will be there.  Constipation or head bump, no I can't make it.

And when you do 'make the effort' it is not enough and they want more.  Husband and I spent the day touring ALs with him while he was in rehab.  Doctors had decided he could no longer live alone.  Taking him out is exhausting as he likes to play helpless. On top of all this he insisted on eating in the back seat of my brand new car so I had at least an hour of cleaning to do after we got home.  We drop him off and he tells me he wants me to call his friend to tell him he is in rehab.  But the doesn't know his number so I should run across town to fetch it from his bedroom.  I told him NO. I was exhausted.  I can stand being around him only so much.  I was not about to take nearly another hour to fetch him a phone number.  But that is how they are.  We spent all day doing something for him and he wanted more.

[NumbLotus]

I get that people think I'm so horrible sometimes

What people? Nobody around here.

Your brother, maybe. Wouldn't put any stock in what he thinks.

[p123]

Well the "illness" is getting worse. I've not phoned him all week.
Phoned his yesterday "Hi Dad", No hello just "I've been SOOOOO ill and you haven't phoned me". Here we go.....

Hes SOOO ill, brother has been phoning 3 times a day now and I've not bothered. He so "bunged up" and even though hes not aching, and hes eating ok, hes not feeling right. (Ummm not a doctor but it sounds like a cold to me!). Oh and all of this with a croaky voice (which changed back to normal when he forgot to continue it after a minute). So why haven't I phoned to see how he is? Hes waiting for the results of that xray (2 weeks apparently - must be considered URGENT then lol). Its not its just a routine check - he forgets my wife is a District Nurse so knows exactly why they do this - called "covering in case of legal action". But apparetly so he tells me when they see the X-ray they'll likely "take him into hospital because it'll be an emergency". I doubt it.

I've ignored it all so far and plan to continue to do so. Right course of action?

I get that people think I'm so horrible sometimes, and I get that he does get a little anxious with his help. In the past, I guess I'd pander to him but I can't do it now. There is no way to keep up with it - sound means I guess. I will tell him, doctors will tell him bit it makes no difference.

A year ago the GP did stop coming out. They told him he had a cold and they could not do anything. Alas, looks like they've forgotten and they're back to normal. They come up, give him anticiotics to shut him up - trouble is it validates it and makes him worse. I plan to leave them to it - they've (re)made their bed, they can deal with him.

Pray for me and when Dad ever gets an illness thats even mildly serious.....

"Dad, all you have is the COMMON cold.  That does not require round the clock attendance by family.  If you are so concerned call your doctor.  I work on IT, what do you expect me to do for you?" (I realize that last line might open a can of worms).  They don't realize that all this cryin wolf desensitizes us to any issue they may or may not have.  My father goes to the ER so often over little to nothing that I had to stop going.  The hospital staff must think he is a poor old man whose family has abandoned him. The reality is his daughter is only 52 and still working full time.  She cannot take off of work on a weekly basis to run to the hospital over nothing. When he has a stroke to heart attack I will be there.  Constipation or head bump, no I can't make it.

And when you do 'make the effort' it is not enough and they want more.  Husband and I spent the day touring ALs with him while he was in rehab.  Doctors had decided he could no longer live alone.  Taking him out is exhausting as he likes to play helpless. On top of all this he insisted on eating in the back seat of my brand new car so I had at least an hour of cleaning to do after we got home.  We drop him off and he tells me he wants me to call his friend to tell him he is in rehab.  But the doesn't know his number so I should run across town to fetch it from his bedroom.  I told him NO. I was exhausted.  I can stand being around him only so much.  I was not about to take nearly another hour to fetch him a phone number.  But that is how they are.  We spent all day doing something for him and he wanted more.

Ha ha yes. Tried this one before "what do you want me to do?". He then wanted me to phone his GP to convince them how ill he was. Ummm no can do that one.

Oh you're so right about being desensitised. I've had so many "made up" and generally massively exagerated things over the years I dont know whats true any more. When I visit or him, or worse when he used to come to our house, it was like watching a comedy show where he acted to show everyone how ill he was.

I mentioned the 2" shuffle walk in another thread (where he shuffles across the room, 2" at a time despite forgetting he told me he walked to the Betting shop 1/2 a mile away the day before).  Then there's the "I cant see" as he grabs hold of me and almost wrestles me to the ground.

It gets too much. I'd normally call him if he had a cold but I can't cope with all the drama to be honest.

Im 52 as well. 53 soon :-(. Yeh I work full time, got a 16 year old with Aspergers which is hard work, a 6 year old (who is fine but hey Im 52!), wife has fibromyalgia and knee problems (walks with crutches). I do not have time for made-up-itis with Dad.

I know where this is going. His anti-biotics will run out tomorrow. He'll call the GP out again. He WILL be in hospital by the middle of the week - I've seen this pattern before. If GP won't admit him (in the past they've refused to do so even when hes insisted) then I can foresee ANOTHER faked head injury. This worked last 2 times...

Hospital is 30 mins drive in other direction from where I work. Then its an hour drive home. I can't keep doing this after work, because he expects me there EVERY night. Not happening this time.

[_apparentlywicked]

Yeah dad has needed to see drs so much since he retired 20 years ago. I'm beginning to think medical people are his favoured supply. He has no one else in his life apart from me and sib and I've now had enough of his abuse.

He got sent in over Christmas but they couldn't find any signs of infection although the care staff said he looked better than he had in ages after his hospital spell probably because he got a load of supply. Sib told me that he was gushing about this chat he'd had with a man when waiting for a scan and this man was telling him about his thoroughbred horse. Dad was saying 'it was marvellous, a wonderful chat'. So weird. When we take our children to visit him he ignores them, he ignore us and it's all about him unless there's someone who he thinks has high status.  But he has plenty of time to speak to someone who he thinks is superior or worthy. Idiot. It is embarrassing and obvious. Cringey. I mean I lov
e Alan partridge but when it's your own dad 🤮!

[p123]

Yeah dad has needed to see drs so much since he retired 20 years ago. I'm beginning to think medical people are his favoured supply. He has no one else in his life apart from me and sib and I've now had enough of his abuse.

He got sent in over Christmas but they couldn't find any signs of infection although the care staff said he looked better than he had in ages after his hospital spell probably because he got a load of supply. Sib told me that he was gushing about this chat he'd had with a man when waiting for a scan and this man was telling him about his thoroughbred horse. Dad was saying 'it was marvellous, a wonderful chat'. So weird. When we take our children to visit him he ignores them, he ignore us and it's all about him unless there's someone who he thinks has high status.  But he has plenty of time to speak to someone who he thinks is superior or worthy. Idiot. It is embarrassing and obvious. Cringey. I mean I lov
e Alan partridge but when it's your own dad 🤮!

Yes Dad loves medical people. Unless they disagree with him! Happening a lot more lately as they figure him out to be honest...

Completely blanks my kids. No time at all. More important that he spends all his time ensuring I understand what he "needs" for the coming week.

[lkdrymom]

If he does end up in the hospital I would suggest the following conversation....."yes Dad, I will be at the hospital after work....I want to talk to the doctor.  You can't live on your own anymore. I need to talk to him to get you placed somewhere safe.  Since I can't be with you are much as you like, we need to find a home for you."

[WomanInterrupted]

I think Lkdrymom's response is made of win - and it will put your dad on notice:    if he keeps it up, he's only going to have himself to blame when he winds up in a home. 

Note:  A  home.  Not *your* home.   

Don't worry about what others think - and don't take your dad at face value about your brother calling 3 times a day.  He probably hasn't even called once and doesn't know your dad is "sick."

And yes, it IS exhausting!  I went through this weekly with unBPD Didi and her freaking "caaaaaaaaaaancer!" scares, once she figured out that her usual aches and pains just didn't do it for me.  She went for the BIG gun - caaaaaaancer!    - thinking I HAD to drop everything and rush to her bedside - but instead, I stayed here and just wanted to bang my head against the wall, because it felt so damned good when I stopped!   

They think it's cancer!  It could be cancer!  It might be cancer!  Everything points to cancer!  They suspect cancer!  The symptoms are the same as cancer!  They're ruling out cancer!  They can't be sure it isn't cancer!  They're testing for cancer!  All signs point to cancer!  It could be cancer!  They can't say for certain it isn't cancer!   It's suspicious of cancer!  They are worried it's CANCER!   

O.  M.  F.  G.   

Didi wanted everybody to run!  Rush!  Panic!  Live in Fire Drill mode, where nobody has any information other than what she told them about it might be caaaaaancer, again, some more- and once cancer was actually ruled out, she didn't want anybody to know.

Trying to get *that* information out of her was like pulling teeth and came couched with the doctors not definitively ruling out cancer for that body part/area  OR came with yet another cancer scare! 

It's her lung!  No, it's her armpit!  Her nose!  Her stomach!  She's riddled with it!  It's her chin!  Her bones!  Her liver! 

Didi never ran out of body parts that could  be cancerous  - but I ran out of patience and would respond with Medium Chill and, "That's a shame.  I'm sure you'll keep me posted." 

Honestly, that was about all the compassion I could muster.    A part of me wanted to laugh at her and a part of me wanted to throttle her - but NO part of me felt sympathy or empathy.

I felt disgust and, "Jesus lady!  Give it a fucking rest, will you?!"

I don't understand why they never figure out they're not only burning us out, but pushing us away and making our emotions run   cold toward them.

Didi always acted like, "Now I've got her!" - but when I didn't respond the way she wanted, it was like, "Huh wha!!?  I'll show her!  I'll do the same thing, over and over again, until I get my way!" 

Your dad is pretty much doing the same thing - and yes, I remember Didi's Sick Voice that was conveniently forgotten about 2 minutes into a conversation, when I said something she didn't like (being busy and not being able to deliver food  ) AND the way she'd shamble/shuffle along on her cane, like she could barely move - only to take off race-walking like a shot if she saw something in a shop window that she liked! 

I often wondered if Didi thought I was stupid, or had the attention span of a goldfish.  I realize now it was probably more of a case of her not being able to keep the mask in place - and not being nearly half as clever as she thought she was. 

And she probably thought I'd overlook so much because of the FOG - I didn't, I wouldn't and I *couldn't.*  You're gonna act like that?

I'm very busy and can't get away.  No, I really can't.  I'll see what I can do, but it' s not looking good. 

And that was *all* Didi got from me until she did us all a favor and popped off.

Once you get to the point you're annoyed and have NO patience for any of this crap, you'll really start making progress in putting up boundaries.   

You won't CARE if he's angry, hurt or put-out - because you know you're not putting up the boundary to cause those emotions.  You're putting up the boundaries because you're sick of being taken advantage of, used, and treated like you're stupid and have nothing better to do.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

If your dad is that upset, maybe he'll find somebody else to use and leave you alone. 

[_apparentlywicked]

Once you're honest with yourself about how little they care about you and how manipulative they're happy to be it really is the end game.

I just remembered how quickly dad started using manipulation again after a heart attack. We'd spent the first week sleeping on the floor of the hospital because we thought he was going to die at any moment. Anyway a couple of weeks later and he's pulling through but wants to be at home already (ignoring the fact he can't walk) just expecting us to organise whatever he wants regardless of how unreasonable.

He says to me 'if you love me, and I think you love me, you'd get me in a taxi home'. He overstressed the 'think'

Such a slap in the face when me and sib had been sobbing on eachother about him. Such a total b#####d.

God if I could go back now I KNOW him.

[p123]

If he does end up in the hospital I would suggest the following conversation....."yes Dad, I will be at the hospital after work....I want to talk to the doctor.  You can't live on your own anymore. I need to talk to him to get you placed somewhere safe.  Since I can't be with you are much as you like, we need to find a home for you."

Yes that would be good!