Divorce from Husband with NPD/Toxic Family

[00clementine]

Hello all --

I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I were college sweethearts, and I thought happily in love. Neither perfect, but both from really dysfunctional families and trying to create a happy family together. I have been putting in the work to overcome my trauma, and it has taken years. Having children really shifted my perspective, and all of the trauma that I thought I would feel after having them kind of...disappeared? I think it was partially growing up, and the place that I was in in therapy.

DH and I had been in counseling since we were engaged, because his father made racist and disparaging comments about me and we needed help creating boundaries with his family. This turned into our entire marriage being in therapy with MY therapist. I begged him to get help, and he said he just wasn't ready to talk about his dad.

Fast forward to the birth of my second kid, and his dad shows up. He'd be harassing me during pregnancy, sharing my medical information with extended family, joking that doctors should put me in a coma because I was ill and our child had a risk of being born between 27 and 36 weeks. We said that the birth was private, and he still came. I was naked, just holding our son after the neonatology team whisked him away to see if he could breathe. My husband hadn't even held him.

Then all hell broke loose. DH stood up to his father, who promptly ignored him. I reached out to my sister in law, who brushed me off. I developed PTSD, couldn't sleep, couldn't breastfeed, and was experiencing suicidality and flashbacks. I continued therapy and got help to stand up to my father in law. I sent him a kind but direct message, stating that I was dismayed by his years of persistent harassment, and wanted to move forward with a family that includes us all.

Then all hell broke loose again. SIL retaliated by being awful to me, disparaging me as a mother (which had been happening since my first pregnancy), and telling DH that I was angry. The next time I saw her, she threw a fit in public bc I dared to stand up to her dad. I asked DH to speak up, and he refused. I messaged her stating that it hurt my feelings that she would continue to try and get me to tow some line with her dad, and that when he's racist it really hurts me. I asked if we could just agree to disagree.

Then all hell broke loose again. BIL got angry with us, called DH, and told him to check my phone. DH told me I had an anger problem. I cried for days. The back and forth ensued, and my husband got really scary towards me. I checked into a psych facility. I was terrified and thought that maybe it was me? What was happening?

I get out, and my husband is kind for a bit. Then he starts demanding I apologize to them, following me around the house, emailing my therapist, talking to my psychiatrist, and threatening to put me back in the psych hospital. He also withheld my prescription. I stopped going to therapy, messaged his dad and SIL to tell them they have won, that I was done, but that they weren't going to harass me anymore. That I was sick of this and they could have their son/brother back. I told SIL all the ways that she bullied me and stated that I wasn't standing for it. I also told her to stop sending gifts of my heritage to our kids, bc it felt like taunting. She did it again on my son's birthday. I spoke with FIL and told him that I was done going on trips with them because it was toxic, and he asked if I wasn't sure this was all in my head,  grabbed my wrists, crossed my hands and pressed his thumbs into them and shook them  (I was seated, he stood up and did this to me). DH was beside me. He says this didn't happen, then says it did but his dad doesnt remember, then that I'm misremembering bc of trauma.

DH started threatening to take the kids, refused to let me take them to see my mom with cancer bc his sister was in town, and was verbally aggressive. I hit him several times trying to get him away from me. I asked his dad for help bc I was scared, and his dad said I was the problem. Husband left. He's been gone for 6 months. I filed for custody, bc he keeps flip flopping, saying he wants to get back together then saying I was horrible to his family and he's done with me. Then saying his family isn't the issue. I've given up. I just want out. I got treatment after he left and I'm a completely different person. I'm happy, I eat, I can sleep, I am creative again. It's like I have a new life. I'm excited about the future. As hard as its been basically taking care of two small kids alone, I'm so much happier. DH has started dissociating, has become dependent on benzos, and gaslights me constantly. Our oldest says he's scared of him and DH just laughs. He says I abused him and I broke him.

It's really like my DH died. Most days, I feel happy. Other days, I just cry. I love him but I can't live like this anymore. I don't know where my sweet husband who wanted independence from his family went. We were codependent bc we only had each other, and as I tried to break away it seems that he got more resentful and more frightening. He says that the past was a lie and that we have to move on, and that our relationship just failed. He wants the kids 50/50 and for them to travel with his family. I am not allowed to see my niece and nephew, with whom I had a wonderful relationship. I had a miscarriage and DH says I think I did but I didn't.

We just had therapy, and he accused me of lying about everything.

I'm lost. Is this common? Is he a narcissist? Do people who have families like this ever change?  I just have no idea what has happened and I know that closure may not be possible. I've resolved that I am divorcing him, and I want to do what I can to protect the kids. He thinks his family's behavior will never affect them. They are waiting for him to announce to them that we are getting a divorce.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh you have been through so much! What a nightmare. And you seem so strong having survived all of that. You seem to have some internal strength that kept you going to therapy and now helps you to slowly develop a happier life for yourself and your kids.
You have tried to change your husband and your husband's family, only to learn that you cannot change them. You are also not responsible for their behaviour. It might be time to just let them get on with whatever they do and concentrate on your own and your children's well being.
You will find many useful tools and resources on this site that can be useful to you on your journey of healing and self growth. See you around on the boards.

[PeanutButter]

Hi  00clementine. I am so deeply sorry for your pain! 
IME you are correct to realize that the only way to heal and move forward out of this terribly traumatic chaos is on your own.
You and your children deserve so much better than what you have been through! IMO
My unpdxH ramped up his abuse of me about his pathological family after my children were born.
My pdMIL and my unpdxH were both against me breast feeding and tried to sabatoge the process anytime they could. 
He bullied and tormented me because I wouldnt let his pdM take care of our newborn son. The baby cried every time she tried to hold him. She would sneak off to her bedroom and lock the door so she could "be alone with her grandchild".   
Going on what my unpdxH had told me about the abuse he and his siblings had suffered at pdMIL's hands there was no way I would let her have my baby unsupervised.  My unpdxH hatefully harrassed me about his pdM needing unsupervised time with my baby. He called me crazy, denied his pdM would be abusive, and started denying that he had ever told me his pdM had abused him.
I became what felt like a pariah. I was isolated, alone, deppressed, and taking care of a newborn baby by myself. 
UnpdxH spent all his time away from our home. 
A couple of years later pdSIL had her 2nd child. She promptly handed him over to her pdM. She would come and visit at pdMIL's late morning to early afternoon every day, but her baby lived there, not with her. Naturally this grandchild became favored over the other 5 grandchildren.
I didnt care because they finally had left me and my son alone.
One day as I arrived at pdMIL house (we lived beside them) I witnessed her carrying the small child by the arm up the driveway screaming cusswords and whipping him. When she seen me she stopped and made up an excuse that the child was crying because he was clumsy and fell.
That evening at home I told undpxH the unbelievable thing I had witnessed his pdM doing to the favorite grandchild that she was raising. He had the nerve to respond with nonchalance and incredulously wondered why this was surprising to me since didnt I know that this is how his pdM was.
That was so enlightening to me!
I told him that I had always known but that now he had just admitted that he had been lying and gaslighting me trying to sacrifice our son to his abusive pdM probably just to get her off his back! He did admit that pdMIL and pdSIL had nagged him regularly to be given their "rights" to our son.
I will never forgive him.  
He was and is SO VERY SICK! He has an illness that cannot be healed! He has an illness that infects anyone who gets too close. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome.

Whether or not the person in our life has NPD or not, we need to feel safe asserting ourselves and our boundaries.

The fog might lift for us and we realize we feel scared or guilty about asserting our boundaries. When this happens it can be scary and confusing, especially if we have been in a bond with the person for a long time.

To answer you question, adults do not change unless they want to. Their coping mechanisms have been developed over a long time. Changing our coping skills as an adult involves insight and work.

We cannot make them have insights and we cannot do the work for them.

I say this, as someone who has travelled down the road of ending relationships with people who could not change their way of treating me.

Words are nice but it is always the actions that tell you what is safe about a person in your life.

It is very possible to love someone who is lost or in the fog or suffers from a personality disorder. We understand some of what you are feeling. Many of us here on this site have been through the hell of loving someone who isn't safe.

I am sorry for what you've been dealing with. Please look through the toolbox here and seek supports in your area if you feel it would help to get information on resources for you and your children to stay safe.

Trees