Rock and a hard place

[Doggo]

Thanks, Poison Ivy--I don't take that as criticism at all. Anyhow--yes, I ask myself all the time how and why I ignored my internal alarm bells, which went off right from the start. And what I got out of this relationship and what led me to marry him. Unfortunately, some of those answers are the same things keeping me stuck, at least for the moment.

2 and 3--I think the suicide threats and frantic behavior--I think they are one and the same for him. His HUGE issue is abandonment. So he gets overwhelmed and frantic and his anxiety which is bad at all times, spirals out of control.
So to continue your dog example--I know I have to focus on me--but planning to leave feels like hitting a puppy. This is someone who has -never- functioned as an adult, which is something I found out over the past 7 yrs (the one and only job he had--which turned out to be more hanging out on his friend-employer's couch, web surfing)

Scarlett Runner--yup, I've tried to 'understand' him, I've followed his 'rules,' tried agreeing with his view of the world, tried to respectfully disagree, and lately, have been practicing Grey Rock, a lot. I have some breaks from him--and have been expanding that out.

[Poison Ivy]

Your husband doesn't sound like a puppy to me.  Or if he is one, he's the type who will scrounge up support somewhere or from someone else.  The fact you're concerned about him is not a bad thing.  It's good that you're a good person.  But he can survive without you:  really.  And it's time he learns how to.

[Doggo]

Yeah, convenient, isn't it, how he finds 'safety' women, just in case.