Too Many People

[pushit]

I've read some posts lately that the positive threads from those of us on the other side are very helpful to the folks still in the throes of the relationship.  That's awesome to read.  I can say I had an epiphany a few weeks ago, after moving into my new house and hanging out with the neighbors a couple of times.  I hope this tale will help some folks out.  Here goes.....

Divorce final, settled, all that.  I bought a house in the school district where my kids attend, my exPDw also bought a house but a couple miles away.  The day I'm moving in the next door neighbor stops by and introduces himself, asks about kids, and we find that our kids are all about the same exact age (we both have three kids, all elementary age).  A couple weeks go by and the kids and I are toasting S'mores in the backyard, we spot the neighbors out and invite them over.  The kids come over, followed by the parents.  We spent a couple hours with the kids running around and the parents having a beer or two.  It was great fun. 

The same thing has happened a few more times over the last two months, and we've been introduced to another family in the neighborhood with young kids.  Me and the two dads get along quite well so far, as do the kids. 

This thought occurred to me one night while going to bed:  In the FOG of my relationship I was SO scared of what the people around me might think.  All the lies, stories, false narratives that my exPDw was spreading had made me totally insecure and wanting to self-isolate.  I felt nobody trusted me.  I had been in a world where I felt I had to tip-toe around everyone we went to school with, and no matter what I did I felt her stories would get to people faster than I could combat them.  During the divorce I saw the divide, some parents stopped talking to me, though some were still friendly.  That night.......I realized that she cannot get to everyone.  She had shrunk my world, but now I am able to expand it again.

That night, I realized that my neighbors had no idea who my exPDw even was.  It was a fresh start for the kids and I, and the neighbors just took us at face value.  It felt AWESOME.  To sit around a bonfire, surrounded by good people that take your word for what it's worth, and you don't have to think "what have they been told?".  It felt like I found the key to an old forgotten lock.  It was the first time in 5 years that I was able to just hang out and be myself again.  On these nights my kids have been so free to run around and burn off energy, swinging light sabers, shooting Nerf guns, just being kids like they are supposed to be.  They've been so happy.

If you're sitting in worry about what people might think, or thinking there are no options outside of what you currently have, I hope you can see that there are decisions you can make to change your life, and care for yourself first.  The weight of living with a PD is overwhelming, but their control is a mirage.  Even if you have to completely reconstruct your life that is better than living in an abusive relationship.  What I found is that there are too many people in our world, and there is no possible way the PD can fool all of them.

I wish that my small story can bring some hope to others, and get you to take that first step towards a better life.  Cheers and best of luck to you all.

[notrightinthehead]

Thank you for such an inspiring and encouraging post! I am so happy for you.

[blunk]

That is so wonderful to hear! It's true that our worlds shrink when we are with a PD, and it feels so good when it can begin to open up again.

Wishing you and your children all of the best for your future!

[clara]

Happened to me, too.  Once I freed myself from my fears about the lies my NPDh had told about me to other people as a way to isolate and control me, as well as trying to restrict my interactions with others by making nasty comments about them (not his friends or relatives, of course, I experienced the opposite of my expectation.  When I didn't have him around to make people uncomfortable and not wanting to be with us (again, never around his friends or family) it seemed people were relieved he was gone and very shortly I had not only more friends than I'd ever had, I was able to maintain those friendships because he wasn't around to spoil things, it was all about me for a change and how I interacted with them.   It became easier over time as I gained confidence--something I'd pretty well lost during my marriage.  So yes, it does happen if you're open to it.  It takes some time to rediscover who you are, not who the PD said you are, and then enjoy being that person but once you do life can become a totally different experience than the one you were living with the PD. 

[pushit]

clara - It sounds like you are writing my story for me, that's exactly what I experienced too.  My exPDw's family and friends were golden, and any other friendships were minimized or destroyed.  When we divorced and moved out of our house, very few neighbors stopped by to say goodbye.  Only the older ones that barely knew us.  She had poisoned any friendships we had with our neighbors.  At the time it hurt me bad, because I had been friends with some of the dads in the neighborhood and I didn't understand why they stopped talking to me.  This neighborhood was very social and threw a lot of bbq street parties, but towards the end they never included us.  I tried so hard to reach out to our neighbors but they didn't reciprocate.  Now I understand it, and I don't blame myself or the neighbors for what happened there.

Looking back, it was crazy.  Over our ten year marriage we had so many friends come in and out of our lives.  I can't think of a single couple that we met while together and are still in contact with today.  It always started out great, then the friendship fizzled.  For the last two years of the marriage we could only hang out with her family, and that was miserable since her family treated me as if they believed all the false narratives about me.

[Stillirise]

I too, have already experienced this, and I only filed for divorce a couple months ago. We moved about 2 years ago, to a considerably larger community about an hour from our rural hometown. I realize now how isolated I had become there.  At the time, I thought we made a mutual decision, in the best interest of the children and ourselves. That was a Stbx uPDh illusion. Now he says he only agreed to move to keep me happy, and never wanted to leave our hometown. He never made much effort to engage with people in our new area.  He seemed to miss being a "big fish in a small pond," as he saw himself before. I enjoyed making new friends, who had no preconceived notions of who we were.   

The new friends I've made are more supportive than I could have ever expected. Really—not just lip service—actually showing up physically and emotionally.  Also, a couple long-time friends who saw though his act, but had distanced themselves from the drama, have come back around.  He moved back to the safety of our former community, where he has his supporters, and people attempting act as flying monkeys, but it has no effect on my life.  So, as difficult as all this has been, I'm glad we made our move when we did.  He has no ground to stand on when he tries to smear me in my new community. They saw him as the guy that rarely showed up to anything, while his wife raised their kids essentially alone, even before the divorce.  I didn't have to explain a thing to any of them.  It has been empowering and eye-opening for me.  I hope this continues for you, as well, pushit!

[PeanutButter]

Pushit hey thanks for sharing that. That just put a smile on my face.

I could see it. I could hear it. The grownups talking sofltly. The fire crackling. The kids running and laughing.

I am so happy for you and your new life. WELL DONE! my Friend. Well done! 

[SeaGlass]

 

[Kat54]

Thank you for sharing. What a great story.  I feel like there is hope my life will change and feel free of my ex.  It all sounds so familiar with the friendships we had that ended because my ex was so controlling and his way of discarding them, He was jealous for what he felt they had, and we did not have in material things. Anyone we became close with he eventually would start saying mean things about them, and then he would just bash them all the time and he would refuse to hang out with them anymore.
Right now I see barely anyone in the little town we both live in. I'm moving to a new town an hour away eventually. The need to start over far away from him is because he has bashed me and said things about me.  Someone said that they heard from him we split up was because I was cheating on him.  And I get these  bad awkward vibes from people I was friendly with who now avoid me. Its all just too much. Better to move someplace where no one knew me with him.

[Stillirise]

Kat54,
I am still in the midst of the smear campaign. I just heard more today. However, we moved before the split, and most of the smearing is happening in my former town, which he went back to. I can say without a doubt, as much as I hate hearing the tales that come out of that place, it is so much better not having to live in the middle of it!

I believe pushit described so vividly what is possible for all of us!  Hang in there. Your day is coming.

[GentleSoul]

Beautiful post, thank you.  I relate to so much of it, the shrinking world especially.

I am on the way to being free as you describe.  I am getting nearer.   

[Jumpy]

Pushit-

I was routing for you way back when. I'm glad it worked out so well. Actually, I think of you often as I embark on this divorce thing. I've not been on here in while, and this is just what I needed today. I'm scared, but encouraged by stories from the other side. Thanks.

[pushit]

Jumpy - Thank you for the kind words.  2019 certainly was a year that I'm happy to put behind me, divorcing a PD is no walk in the park.  It is sweeter than you could imagine on the other side though.  Just today I was running errands and a great song came on the radio.  I was singing along and playing air guitar, feeling energized, and then realized it had been a long time since I'd done that.  It's little moments like that when you feel a bit of yourself has come back that feel so good.

Best of luck to you on your journey, don't be afraid to post here while you're on your way.  I found it helps so much to bounce ideas off people and just be able to commiserate with the few others in this world that know exactly what you're going through.

[Jumpy]

I appreciate it. It's funny that it was listening to music yesterday that inspired me to come back here. Basically, I cried because I never listen to music that I actually like or doing anything overt that might give me joy. In the moment, I felt that I had killed Jumpy and stuffed him the  closet to get past this chapter. Anyway, coming here helped. Hearing from you helped. Listening to some great tunes ultimately helped. Talking with my lawyer earlier today helped. I'm ready. Long live Jumpy!

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Spygirl]

Thank you pushit


Your post is so valuable. Adjusting is strange. Stretching  your wings again is good.
I still have a bit of fear about other people thoughts about my behavior. I was so regulated by my expd in social situations. I am working it however. I am even going to a party today. It has enough people i can just disappear if i need to.

[pushit]

Spygirl - Go to the party and enjoy it.  Feel free to be yourself.  If you don't want to talk to people you don't have to, if you want to introduce yourself to someone go ahead and do it.  You never know, you might make a new friend.  And feel free to leave and go home whenever you feel like.  There are no rules you have to live by anymore.