Having healthy relationships after PD parents

[whensday]

Rather than post on the welcome mat, I figure posting directly in the parents section may have more folks who relate..

In therapy I recently discovered my mom is OCPD, my dad has some tendencies of this as well.  It's really hard coming to terms with the fact that their behavior when I was growing up was emotionally abusive.  Even typing that out and believing myself is hard, their behavior was so subtle, even though I'm in my early 30's, up to this point it all seemed relatively normal.  Although I've always felt things were a little off, I of course, assumed it was something wrong with me, not something wrong in the way I was raised.

That being said, as I take inventory of my past relationships with friends and partners, I realize most of them were with people who are PD or have some PD-like tendencies.  At the time I felt that these types of people understood me better, but they ultimately ended up treating me badly and taking advantage. 

I've lived across the country from my parents for 4 years now, and finally I have a few friendships that are healthy.  I also recognize that these friendships are with individuals who also had abusive upbringings, (so many things are making sense now...) but are well adjusted, supportive people.

I have two sisters, one lives near me, I'll call her J, and the other lives across the country, A.  I spoke to A yesterday about all of this, if I came out of childhood with one healthy familial relationship, it's her.  She validated all I was feeling, and confirmed some memories I thought I was making up.  She and I also discussed that J is very similar to our mom, which also came up in therapy.  I lived with J up until about a year ago, and have been struggling in my relationship with her for a while now.  Again, SO MANY THINGS MAKE SENSE.  I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that I have been living with this relationship thinking things are ok, even though they don't often feel ok on my end ("it's my problem"  ) but once again I was completely blind to the abusive behavior taking place.

I feel I've made a lot of progress in therapy over the last several years - working on self esteem and anxiety (I'll say it again, SO MANY THINGS MAKE SENSE NOW) but I'm struggling with trusting myself, and trusting that I'll be able to cultivate a healthy romantic relationship in the future.  Just like I was blind to my sister's behavior, I have a huge blind spot when it comes to men.  Has anyone else struggled to have healthy relationships?  Have you grown out of this?  Any advice for me?  ("Go against your instincts" is advice I completely overthink)  Thank you in advance for your support <3

[artfox]

Hi whensday,
Isn't it a weird/good feeling when so many things that seemed bizarre or inexplicable suddenly make sense? I struggled with a lot of the same things you've mentioned--doubting my own memories and experiences, downplaying the abusive behaviors, the whole ball of wax. It's good that you have a sister who can validate those experiences and who you can talk with about them.

As for romantic relationships, it takes a lot of communication. My DH and I struggled for a while. He also grew up with a PD parent (I believe), and so we each had to navigate figuring out our own histories and then how to work with them. My best advice is, when you get involved with someone, be honest and up front about your childhood, and let them know that you're still working on learning better ways of responding to stressors than what you may have developed as a kid. It may scare some people away, but those who aren't scared off will appreciate knowing what's going on when you react to something. It may take working with a counselor to learn good ways to communicate with each other. But learning to do that will be key.

Good luck, and keep doing what you're doing! It's an eye-opening realization, and even though it's rough going through it, it makes everything clearer and easier to understand.

[theonetoblame]

@ whensday -- some parts of your post I could have written about myself.

I attributed my early weirdness with relationships as being due to me seeking out others who were familiar to me, these folks more often than not had emotional issues and in my 20's I spent several years in a relationship with someone who, in retrospect, was clearly PD.

Like you, many things started to get clear for me by my mid 30's, before then it seemed I was more focused on basic survival in what was a relative absence of family support compared to others I knew.

There was a watershed moment for me when some old family secrets came out about my M and I had the experience of flipping through the card deck of confusing memories with a key that made everything make sense. The insights came fast and hard, almost overnight -- it was a profound experience.

[Adrianna]

I agree it's been a surreal experience to realize that I've been emotionally abused. I knew about physical abuse, verbal abuse, but emotional abuse? I had no clue, which says a lot since I have a BA in Psychology.  We just weren't taught this in school.

I spent my life basically thinking I was no good and too sensitive. I knew deep down there was something wrong with these people but didn't know what, so assumed I was part of the problem. If I just did more, if I just showed more kindness, if I just did what they wanted maybe they could turn around and love me. Sad truth is they aren't capable of that. Although I deserved it, everyone does, they couldn't give it.

Now that you've done the work, a pd partner will appear as a neon sign. You know what emotional abuse is. You know the red flags of toxic behaviors. Now that you've developed a healthy sense of self, you'll walk away from those people without regrets, like other healthy people. Emotionally healthy people don't put up with that drama and leave. We were raised to tolerate that behavior which is why we used to stick around. We thought this time, I'm going to get it right. I'm going to help this person see what love is. I'm going to love this person so much he won't have a choice but to love me back. It's a unconscious desire to repeat childhood experiences of not feeling loved to reverse it, get it right, prove to yourself that you are lovable.

Except that's not how it works. Now that you've done the therapy work you know that. You are lovable, always were. There are people who can't love you back and it has nothing to do with you.

It's good that you have a sibling who can validate your childhood experiences. I was an only child so it's been a challenge. I recently found a box of letters from when I went away to college and was surprised to see letters from my grandmother, basically love bombing me as I was performing as expected. I had gone to a very prestigious college, which I realize now was fuel for her and my father. I was unhappy there so transferred to another school. This led to a three month silent treatment by them. I see now the dynamics of abuse were in play back then, the love bombing, the discard, the silent treatment, the lack of empathy or concern for me as a human being. They had no interest as to why I was unhappy at that fancy school. Never even asked! They just knew they wanted me to go there because it made them look good.

I had no recollection of receiving those letters at school from my grandmother. They make me uncomfortable reading them. Sickeningly sweet.  I guess I had blocked out the memory of them for a reason. They didn't feel sincere to me. I had blocked out a lot of my childhood for good reason.

Learning about emotional abuse has made so many things clear to me. Back in college, I was shocked, hurt and confused by their treatment of me. Now I know why they did it.  I understand why they act the way they do. The cognitive dissonance is over.

It's been a sad realization but also freeing.

[all4peace]

Welcome, whensday!

Our families are supposed to be the templates for relationship, the place where we learn all we need to know to have healthy relationships. The fantastic news is that current neurobiology and study of the brain is teaching us that we can change at ANY point in our life, rewire our brains, learn new thinking and behavior patterns.

I have a couple book recommendations. Cloud and Townsend's books are all fantastic, and the one I have read about (but haven't actually read yet) is called Changes that Heal. It's about the 4 building blocks of becoming a healthy adult when a person wasn't taught that in childhood. It is written by a Christian author. Boundaries is another book by them, again Christian, and fantastic about the basics of boundaries, something that comes up on this forum constantly as it's such an invisible and necessary part of healthy relationships.

I have found learning about the Enneagram (an ancient tool to describe 9 core personality types) to be invaluable in understanding why I do what I do, how I see the world, and the fact that other people around me have very different and equally valid ways of living their lives. It would be hard for me to think of anything I've learned in the last 5 years that has been more valuable than learning about the Enneagram. It has given me tremendously more compassion and understanding in all my relationships. Two books, The Path Between Us (Suzanne Stabile) and The Road Back to You (Cron and Stabile) are really great introductory primers on the topic.

I wish you the best as you begin this incredible, and yet often painful, journey. We're here with you!

[theonetoblame]

Now that you've done the work, a pd partner will appear as a neon sign. You know what emotional abuse is. You know the red flags of toxic behaviors. Now that you've developed a healthy sense of self, you'll walk away from those people without regrets, like other healthy people. Emotionally healthy people don't put up with that drama and leave. We were raised to tolerate that behavior which is why we used to stick around. We thought this time, I'm going to get it right. I'm going to help this person see what love is. I'm going to love this person so much he won't have a choice but to love me back. It's a unconscious desire to repeat childhood experiences of not feeling loved to reverse it, get it right, prove to yourself that you are lovable.

Except that's not how it works. Now that you've done the therapy work you know that. You are lovable, always were. There are people who can't love you back and it has nothing to do with you.

This is so well written... and very in line with what I would say given more time to write out such a post. It also refers to a lesson that some people are never able to learn. In my mind, the inability to overcome the brainwashing and recognize ourselves as truly lovable and deserving of people who treat us accordingly is a dreadful, tragic loss.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I feel like I first want to congratulate you for reaching the level of awareness you have attained. I really believe that with that, your future is indeed bright and very promising. Yes, it is difficult to realize those we trusted and loved and wanted to be happy with were incapable of giving us those same feelings of love and support in return. It was never your fault.
What was mentioned in this thread about a PD partner appearing to you like a neon sign is so true. The tricky thing for me is that they do not wear the sign but you will feel it clearly in your gut. Those familiar feelings will rise up in you in response to something dismissive they do or say, that twist in your stomach that urges you to make it better or rationalize it as not being that bad, and that yearning to keep trying because you know you can eventually get it right.  No. When you have a healthy relationship, none of that is present.  There is an ease and a flow.  I could never tell anyone that I did not know what a healthy relationship looked like or felt like because it sounds so odd.  But, I am happy to say that thank heavens I found it.
I think you are on a good path.  Educating yourself, getting support, and aligning to the goodness that resides within you are all great things.  As your awareness grows, trust your feelings if things do not seem right.  If it does not seem right, it is ok to walk away and keep your own well being as your priority.   

[Spring Butterfly]

His morning I was listening to a good podcast about relationship trauma. It was about how we had an alarm system that was necessary at the time, lack of trust runs deep and for good reason, but that is an old system that is no longer needed. The podcast was called Unpacking Relationship Trauma and I posted links in the other resources board if you're interested. 

[Lemon-aid]

Hello all,

I really relate to all of your posts, sadly. I am in my late 20s and I have already dated a handful of people who have been abusive shit heads. I struggled to form close friendships - absolutely could not do them and handle them due to interpersonal triggers, hyper reactivity, emotional dosrgeulation and a totally shattered sense of self and no self esteem. I didn't know why I was valuable to people. I knew I got lots of 'attention' (yuck) from men and this became the sole element that I'd cling onto in my life - my one way of trying to piece my sense of self back together again - through the imagined and chased perceived love of someone else. But these people were weak and carried abusive traits and I was continually revictimised.

However, for some reason - despite the shitshow of my life for years due to unresolved trauma, I have always been very self aware and I believe that this has led me to become aware of the inner work I need to do that many people may be able to hold off until middle age.

Education, self administered CBT, exercise and good friendships with secure and healthy enough people have really helped me .

Like you guys, I've taught myself the warning signs of PD and toxic and abusive people. In dating, I've found Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That incredibly illuminating for helping me to spot signs of potentially abusive men or friends - o highly recommend if you haven't read it.

I also think that platonic relationships are incredibly healing and incredibly undervalued and minimised in our unhealthily romanced-obsessed society. Good friends teach you so much about yourself - they bring you love without agenda or conditions and open our minds and hearts to new ways of seeing and being. Developing my self esteem enough - predominantly through CBT (which I still have to do every single week on myself!!), journaling and EMDR  have enabled me to develop enough basic confidence and self esteem to open myself up enough to friendships. Friendships with lots of different people have taught me a lot about who I am and why I am valuable and that I am lovable. And they also teach me about what I should be looking for in men and how I should judge them. My friends respect me, value me, and make me feel good and a guy needs to do the same.

I do think that friendship, self esteem building, and education on red flags are each key components to finding a healthy relationship.