Jotting this down to be accountable

[ToAudrey]

Since coming Out of the FOG I have started on working on myself. Figured I would jot some things down here to get it on paper so to speak and keep up the momentum. I fear falling back to just taking the easy route of being miserable and feeling as though it is ok to be treated poorly.

Reading
* Checked out a Melody Beattie 4-book e-book from the library and nearly done with Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency (Lots for me to work on here!)
* Found an e-book copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? and have been skimming
* Various articles on the type of PD I suspect is at play but trying to keep the angle as how can this knowledge help me navigate this situation for me and my child.

Behavior
* Stopped JADE! (Spent some much time explaining myself while watching everything out of my mouth being twisted)
* Medium Chill (with some overt friendliness as I get a bunch of "you are too distant" if I grayrock)
* Focusing on my work (I do have a lot to get done but do admit I've been buried it in a little more to avoid him)
* Focusing on my child (Taking advantage of being home all the time to take breaks and play and talk with them a lot and soak up all the time while it is available. uPDh was the stay at home and seems to have limited time for the kid much preferring to talk on the phone for hours.)
* Affirmations (been listening to affirmation tracks at night to see if it helps in general)
* Detaching (This one is hard. Detaching from all his "stuff" and not taking the things he says and does personally. Having a really hard time not going over and over some nasty things said in the last rage.)
* Reaching out and creating a support network (I've confided in a couple of friends about what is happening and it has helped. One is really funny and good with venting and lightening the mood. The other is an excellent listener and very grounding. Due to all the lashing out at his parents I've also had a heart to heart with one of my in laws which has brought to light that many things I've experienced are not new)
* Letting myself imagine the feeling of being free and not putting up with the PD behaviors.

[Blackbird11]

These are all great and things I have tried too! This one is the most powerful I think - that visualization of freedom is what keeps me going now:

* Letting myself imagine the feeling of being free and not putting up with the PD behaviors.

[ToAudrey]

Thank you blackbird!

They were gone on errands for 4 hours last week and it was like such a calm came over the house and all my muscles relaxed. It was wonderful honestly. Working on feeling more like that all the time.

In a practical sense I am extremely fortunate in that I solely own the home and have all the finances. It's been silly to allow myself to feel so emotionally held hostage for so long. A TimeHop came up recently from over five years ago where I mention a bad night and fighting. Looking back those were deal breaker fights and not the first. Looking forward, I can grow into a person that can set and keep boundaries.  I actually am not obligated to put up with bad behavior just to 'be kind' to the person exhibiting the bad behavior or to 'make things easier' or to 'stick with a choice I made'.

Can tell that the work on detaching and recognizing my codependency (especially the taking on things and jumping to 'help') has been improving as I'm better able to listen to him go on about something and then leave space for him to solve it rather than me just go into solution mode and drop everything to fix whatever it is. Also either they are getting worse (cooped up too much perhaps) or I'm better able to hear how grandiose he talks.    It is more like listening to teenager drama and not anything how they were when we met.