Updgf is taking anger out on me by giving me the silent treatment. Need help.

[safehead]

I have an upd gf, we've been together for a few years. her car got sideswiped. At fault driver left info. Gf took the car into a bodyshop, the estimate for repairs is $20k+. At fault driver's insurance won't cover cost of repair, because car is only valued at 3k-6k. She loves this car, asks me what she should do. I never been in the situation, do a quick google search, tell her they will probably only pay out the value of the car, or she can sue the at-fault driver and potentially get a little more than the value of car through a settlement or court decision. She throws a fit, saying they need to pay all $20k in repairs, it's not fair, if insurance won't cover, then she'll make the at fault driver figure out how to restore the car. I tell her it doesn't work that way, maybe get her own insurance involved if she has collateral, so she gets a pay out from the other party and some money from her own insurance to help with repair costs. Find a used car door somewhere and maybe research other places for a lower repair estimate or just replace the car. She say's "it's not fair, that's how it is huh?" I say "yeah, just call your insurance see of they can help" she hangs up. It been two days since we discussed that, she hasn't texted me or called me or done anything to let me know what she's doing. I called her once the night after we talked to see if she was all right because she wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was at her moms house and was pretty ambivalent about talking, i asked her if she was mad at me and she just says "idk." I say, "ok have safe night and hang up". Now it is the third day i haven't heard anything from her. Just waiting for her to come around. I really don't know what she'll have to say when/if she comes back and Idk what I'm going to say. I didn't feel like I did anything other than offer honest insight after she asked for it.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello Safehead!

The math in her story doesn't make sense.  How could the estimate for repairs be more than 2x the value of the car?  I am not trying to be a jokester but is the car a vintage Bentley?

I know it is hurtful when PD's play the silent treatment game.   In my opinion it is designed to make you feel as bad (inside) as they do.  There is a whole lot of self-loathing going on in the mind of a person with a personality disorder.  Even the ones who seem confident and in-charge.   Take this time to read as much as you can about personality disorders.  As you become more familiar with the 'tools' they use to manipulate the non-PDs around them you will find that it hurts a little less.   Focus on you what is best for you.  She will come around.  In fact, if you sit back and wait a little bit I bet she calls sooner than later.   My exbf got a strange thrill out of pushing calls to voicemail.  He liked people to beg him to communicate.

((( hug )))

[coyote]

safehead,
I understand your situation. Been through it with my uPPDw. What I have found is I only give opinions or information if I am asked for it. Even then I only give one response and let her go with it from there. You are right, if it's not an answer she wants to hear then I get the flak for it. That's why I only answer once then leave it up to her after that. Remember the 3C's. That has helped me a lot.

[safehead]

Hello Safehead!

The math in her story doesn't make sense.  How could the estimate for repairs be more than 2x the value of the car?  I am not trying to be a jokester but is the car a vintage Bentley?

I know it is hurtful when PD's play the silent treatment game.   In my opinion it is designed to make you feel as bad (inside) as they do.  There is a whole lot of self-loathing going on in the mind of a person with a personality disorder.  Even the ones who seem confident and in-charge.   Take this time to read as much as you can about personality disorders.  As you become more familiar with the 'tools' they use to manipulate the non-PDs around them you will find that it hurts a little less.   Focus on you what is best for you.  She will come around.  In fact, if you sit back and wait a little bit I bet she calls sooner than later.   My exbf got a strange thrill out of pushing calls to voicemail.  He liked people to beg him to communicate.

((( hug )))

definitely not vintage. yeah i was suspicious of the estimate. body stuff does cost a lot, but I wonder if she's being ripped off or she misquoted. I'm pretty anxious about what she would say if she does call back. That's probably what she want though...

safehead,
I understand your situation. Been through it with my uPPDw. What I have found is I only give opinions or information if I am asked for it. Even then I only give one response and let her go with it from there. You are right, if it's not an answer she wants to hear then I get the flak for it. That's why I only answer once then leave it up to her after that. Remember the 3C's. That has helped me a lot.

edit: nvm i see.  yeah I try to be strategic about answering stuff that she asks, but I didn't expect to apply this tactic to insurance stuff.

[MRound]

My uppdh did something very similar.  His car was totaled, and he got mad at me when I was pragmatic about it, like it was my fault it happened.  My observations—he has a lot of anxiety about changes or making choices, so having to get a new car felt really bad to him(even though it was not a financial issue); he had emotions about the car that don't make any sense to me; he felt like the whole thing should be a big deal emotionally, and since no one else was obliging him in the drama department, he was going to try to engage me for the catharsis.  I knew I could not fully empathize with the emotional content, and I didn't want to be a whipping boy for all the "unfairness" associated with the world failing to give his car a fair market value equivalent to its emotional value, so I tried to stick with the "you should do whatever you think is right" message. Easy for me because there were no financial constraints to negotiate.   But I think my approach would have been similar if he could have only had the insurance money to get another vehicle—I would have expressed sympathy but stayed out of it.

[1footouttadefog]

She likely convinced herself of an unrealistic opportunity to gain from this car wreck. Perhaps something like getting a new car our of it somehow, even though her car is worth a fraction of a new car in value.

If so she wanted validation of this fantasy and now it's your fault it's not true because you did not support her.

I have seen this dynamic in my own relationship.   The pds often have such unrealistic thoughts about themselves and of we don't back them up we are punished.  Amazingly my pd does not always inform me about what he is thinking and what it is I should have supported him in then is upset about the lack of support and affirmation.

I failed mind reading 101 everything I took it, but after all these years the same games are played. 

I think getting silent treatment in this regard is uncalled for.  It is abusive and you don't deserve it for your opinion especially when it was requested.

Your honest self is being punished.  This is a huge red flag.