Dazed, confused, angry, despondent.

[musttryharder]

I just joined, and I think I picked the right place to start after my intro post. To recap, I've been married a long time, well over a decade, and had a seemingly normal marriage until around 15 months ago when I was (still am) going through a difficult time - unfulfilled with my work, worried about income, tired of the place I live. I tried more than once to confide in my wife and she just about ignored me. She made it clear to me that she wasn't interested in even hearing me out. I don't expect others to fix my problems, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your spouse to be someone who listens and cares at least. ANyway, while I'm processing that and trying to figure things out on my own, she made a big decision affecting us both (some deceit involved there too).

At this point I went searching online to see if my thoughts that this behavior isn't okay are reasonable. To cut a long story short, I learned about verbal/emotional abuse. Meanwhile, her unpleasantness ramped up considerably. I wasn't happy about her decisions, but I had acquiesced, even if I didn't like it, and that apparently wasn't enough. Eventually I started keeping a record of things, even though it felt quite petty, at the recommendation of a helpline. Here's a summary:

Comments to friends in front of me:

He never remembers anything
Let me show you this because he doesnt care
If it was someone who could sing well... (referring to my singing on stage that she encouraged and knew I'm insecure about)
He has a "unique/funny" laugh
He hates (food friends had just made for us) - not remotely true
I'm telling the story of a big achievement in sports (at friend's request) and she had to interject with the medical attention I needed at the finish line to burst my bubble. I'm not a boastful person, but I'm quite proud of that achievement.
(when discussing show she was going to with a female friend) We'll have to bring lots of condoms, haha...


Direct comments to me:

You complain too much
You're too negative
Your yard work is a waste of time
You're insane for working out
Why do you need heavier dumbbells? (Less that 10kg)
What do you want a cell phone for?
Generally defensive, hostile, argumentative over simple questions
"I think that...." reply is always "no, it's..." (for example "somethings burning" (i can smell it!) "no that's just pork cooking....")

I just like to mess with you... in very small ways
- I feel like this was significant, like some kind of confession and a giant red flag


Actions:

Asking me to the theatre and then leaving me hanging at the counter - only paid for her (we always used the joint account credit card - I was lucky I had cash on me)
When laying new floor and my books go in boxes, the bookshelves get permanently repurposed for her odds and ends
There's more here, but I can't think of them at the moment...


General:

Greets the dog, but not me
No morning greeting (she wakes up long after me)
Leaves the house without saying anything
Gets jealous if I play with the dog, or tells me I'm somehow doing it wrong
Offers no support when my family members die or are seriously ill
Won't listen to me when I have problems
Interrupts, contradicts or ignores me when I speak - 4/5 times for that last 18+ months
Being difficult on the rare occasions I get to see my family (long distance), always speaks negatively about them (they're angels compared to hers)
Questions me if I need to buy something
Shares my personal business (knowing I'm a private person)
Makes important decisions without me

Threatened divorce because I "dont like to do things for her" right after driving 100miles in a snowstorm to take her to a medical appointment, but I really think that was because I accepted but wasn't happy about her unilateral decision making.

Threatened suicide because we "don't do anything together". I'll own that one. We don't anymore, but that's a result of the above. She stopped wanting to do the regular things we did before this all happened anyway.

Clues I missed:

She was involved in minor fraud long before I knew her. She was also "the other woman" around the same time.  I wrote it off as youthful mistakes
She gets along with one person out of her whole family. I assumed she was the innocent and they were all mean. Who knows - we have no contact with them.
She has a friend who really helped her out with dog training. That friend has major health issues, but "she talks too much" for regular visits now.

If a friend of mine told me all this, I'd probably tell him to run. It's on my mind constantly, but I still can't seem to make a decision. Am I overreacting? Am I making normal life fit the definition of narcissistic abuse? Of course, there are times when she's nice, but I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. I certainly can't trust her with my feelings and deepest thoughts.

[bruceli]

"Am I overreacting? Am I making normal life fit the definition of narcissistic abuse? Of course, there are times when she's nice, but I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. I certainly can't trust her with my feelings and deepest thoughts."

Nope, not overreacting. Nope, not normal, your insight is sound. Your feelings are are also sound due to what you have described.

[coyote]

musttryharder.
IMHO it could be that your screen name is saying more than you know. It could be that you are trying too hard. I am not criticizing; just bringing a thought to your attention. In another post you talk about how you do most of the housework, yard work, etc. I'm not sure what to do about this as my uPPDw has always worked really hard and she is really good with money.

You do say, " I wasn't happy about her decisions, but I had acquiesced, even if I didn't like it, and that apparently wasn't enough." I went through this also until I figured out it would never be enough. When I started standing up for my decisions, taking control of accounts under my name, sticking to plans, she started to come around.

Early on I did go through a lot of abuse though.

I stopped the abuse by setting clear boundaries with logical consequences when they were violated. It was not easy and I came to the point of divorce before she got the message and started to change. If the abuse had not stopped I would be with her today.

I term as abuse any statement made to me or to others in front of me that is intended to demean, belittle, or otherwise make me feel less than.  These are just some of what worked for me. Along with Tools like no JADE, no Circular Conversations, the 3C's and her stuff my stuff. I hope this helps.

[RavenLady]

Your wife's conduct as you've documented it is far outside of what I would consider healthy relationship behavior. I think your interpretation is sound. I'm kind of impressed by your list. It seems pretty clear-cut.

If I knew my husband felt compelled to log my conduct, I would have big questions, including what had happened to us to bring us to this point, and also why he didn't feel like he could talk with me about his concerns. I would be really troubled to know he didn't feel he could talk with me about it. I would really, really want to understand.

[RavenLady]

Oh, and also... listen to coyote. Your screen name jumped out to me too.

[musttryharder]

Thanks for the replies so far. The user name.... well that was in part the first thing that came to mind, but I suppose I'm talking about being passive. I need to try harder to steer my own life and find happiness, rather than this feeling of being a passenger so far.

I've been a good husband. I've been supportive. I've defended her and taken her at her word. I've treated relationships as equal partnerships. I treated problems as something we solved together. Now I'm feeling like it's all been thrown back in my face and I feel everything in my post title. During the times when I see it as abuse and I'm not questioning everything, I feel I deserve better. I'm a decent person. I'm reasonably intelligent, polite, principled. I take care of myself physically. Who wouldn't want their partner to be like this? Why would the person closest to me treat me the worst?

I've spoken to her about some of the behavior, but she always had excuses and acted like it was my fault for getting upset about it (the ignoring, interrupting etc). It changed for a week at most (so she is capable...). When the 'big' things (threats) happened there was no longer any point, in my mind, in rationally discussing things. She doesn't seem to want to change - she just wants her way, which seems to be generally wearing me down. When I've moved toward independence (buying a cellphone, taking a training course at home related to my old career), she has lost her mind. When I sit around the house feeling despondent she does an excellent impression of not caring or taking an interest.

Right now we literally do nothing together except share an evening meal. When I make conversation I get brief answers or again a perceived lack of interest in what I'm talking about, and yet I get the impression she wants me around and is sad. She has told me she loves me several times last year, but I see zero evidence of that in the things she does. I started making the list (initially just one liners as they happened) as something to refer to in order to tell myself I'm not crazy during the periods of doubt. It helps a little, for sure.

[coyote]

Musttry,
It sounds like the line we hear a lot around here, something like "I hate you, you're stupid, but please don't leave me." It is the PD fear of abandonment that they often make come true by their behavior. I'd point you to the Toolbox. Setting boundaries, medium chill, no JADE, no Circular Conversations, the 3Cs and the 51% rule have been helpful to me.

[1footouttadefog]

I think being daxed, confused, angry and despindent are all part of the grieving process one must go through to heal after coming Out of the FOG.

One you realize you can never give enough, or love hard enough, or work enough or change enough or try enough to make it work......

.... .then you have to grieve what you gave, did, tried, loved, and the years you spent doing all of this.  You also end up processing the underlying reasons and this is where the challenge really gets cranked up.

Realizing it was never right to begin with and that a portion of it was all a choice all along. 

Yes, anger, confusion, despondent, dazed. .. 

I hope you find the strength and courage to heal and find the best path forward whether it means staying or leaving.

[musttryharder]

Strangely enough, despite all the sadness I've never felt more "me". Maybe it's because I've spent so long processing and being essentially alone, but I feel like I've never known myself better than I do now, and that somehow gives me some hope.
If it's absolutely clear that I've been abused by the person I cared about (and sacrificed so much for), then I need to leave if I'm ever going to be happy. As some of you have said, once the genie is out, you can't put it back.