Content warning: suicidal threats

[Bunnyme1]

I posted in the co-parenting section about wanting to modify visitation and contact after my nex relapsed (cocaine and meth) and got kicked out of rehab again.  He disappeared for close to a week, then called new year's day from a hospital saying that he was thinking of taking pills and ending it all.  We've gone through this cycle many, many times (I think he has had maybe 5 72 hour holds in the past couple of years).  I am by no means diminishing his pain or blowing off his threats.  This last time, he stole from family and they finally told him enough is enough and not to contact them again.  I believe, at least in part, that the threat was a manipulation to make them feel guilty...and, they welcomed him back right after, all is forgiven. 

So, I've suspected he was still using, still lying, still manipulating since.  He denied everything.  On my birthday, he called over and over and over.  He left one message about how he wanted to wish me a happy birthday...he wished he was happy...things aren't going well for him...he will call again to let me know what is happening...he won't bother me anymore and I won't have to worry about him any more... 

I didn't answer, nor did I pick up the many follow-up phone calls he made.  I don't know what is happening, but I could tell the calls were originating from a healthcare facility.  In my mind, if he is under the supervision of a health professional, I bear no responsibility to engage with him.  I guess I'm looking for validation and/or a reality check.  The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming.  On one hand, I care as far as he is a fellow human being and the father of my kids.  I want him to be well.  Then I think it is manipulation, and I feel like it is 100% purposeful that it was on my birthday, especially calling and not leaving messages the subsequent 10+ times he called.  Then I feel like a completely selfish and heartless person - how can I be thinking of myself and my birthday when he is in so much pain?  Then I think that that is the intentional.  Though I've had to get past it, I know from prior experience that the next thing coming is the wave of pity for him and anger at me from people we both know over how "cold and unsupportive" I am.  (For reference, last time he made vague threats, I gave the suicide hotline number and asked where he was so I could send help.  After that, I stopped responding.  I di think that he is probably miserable and sad and all of those things.  I have gotten to the point, however, where I can't "support" my way to fixing it.  He needs to decide himself to fix it.  (Even that seems cold typing it. )

I know this can be a both/and situation and not an either/or.  In my head, I know it isn't my fault, but it is hard and emotional.  Then I get mad at myself for being affected by him at all anymore.  I just needed to vent to people who may understand, as I know to anyone else, I do seem completely heartless. 

[seafarer]

Manipulation is such a part of a PD.  I think that your mind knows that is what is happening while your heart wants to "fix" him.  I am dealing with my stbx currently.  She has accused me of stealing her credit cards, faked medical issues, threatened suicide, tried to love bomb me, and blamed me for all of her problems.  I hope to go NC as soon as possible.  If that is an option for you, perhaps you should not only not respond to his attempts to contact you but also block him so that you don't even see his calls and messages.   His issues are no longer your issues.  Just my thinking on the topic.

[Bunnyme1]

Thank you.  I do have him blocked just about everywhere, except for a co-parenting app.  These calls originated from a facility, and there were several different extensions so I couldn't block them.  The calls eventually stopped.  I appreciate your perspective.

[Starboard Song]

In my mind, if he is under the supervision of a health professional, I bear no responsibility to engage with him.  I guess I'm looking for validation and/or a reality check.  The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. 

In my head, I know it isn't my fault, but it is hard and emotional.  Then I get mad at myself for being affected by him at all anymore.

Validation delivered: there are thousands of people you could help today. Some are hooked on drugs and just need some one-on-one attention to improve their lives. Some are elderly folks who are alone in the last weeks of their life. There are food-insecure children for whom a small recurring donation would mean the world. Other kids you could be tutoring. Cancer wards and sick wards around the nation are open to kindly visitors, as are nursing homes. What's wrong with you? Why aren't you helping the many thousands of people whom you could help?

/s

That's sarcasm of course. We know the answer: they aren't your people. We can't boil the ocean or heal the world or feed all the poor. We have to economize on our altruism. And this man has demonstrated that he is not a good investment. It might not be too extreme to say that it would be heartless and cruel to invest further in him rather than investing that much energy in a local stranger more likely to profit from your help.

I don't mean to make it sound easy. It is hard. It is hard because there is a societal norm that defines all family as our people. Through thick and thin. For better or worse. But they are your family!!! That norm extends to ex-spouses in a lot of ways. And you know what? This Family Is Forever ethic exists becuase it is good. In MOST cases it is exactly right. We invite weird Uncle Harry to Thanksgiving in spite of the cursing and racist jokes. We visit Cousin Lorene as though she never did time for that theft. We have David over -- over and over -- because our sister married him and we can accept his crude attitude towards women and the way he drinks too much as long as he doesn't drive.

We all have those people, right?

But PDs are exceptional. Like the mass murderer in the family -- of the family -- they are subject to excommunication. People don't understand because they only think family ex-communication is for criminals and violent people. They don't get PD dynamics. Don't worry. We needn't persuade those folks. We need only to inform them.

We get you here. Your ex is not one of your people anymore. It is OK and even right-and-necessary sometimes for us to move on. I wish him well, but he must get that well with his own devices, or lean on new friends and family if he has managed to earn any.

You be good. You be strong.

[hhaw]

B:

How are your children doing?

Do they talk about their dad?