Do some covert narcissists want their partner to be the one to leve them???

[InTheDragonsDen]

First of all, I am ready to end the relationship but need time to exit safely and without the drama. She is sitting at the house like a mother chicken warming her eggs. She is never away from the house for more than a few minutes. BTW, how I finally broke my bond with her was to repeat in my mind over and over again, the words she said to me, the way we interacted and writing down the list of reasons why I am in this relationship (there were none).

Do some covert narcissists want their partner to be the one to discard them???

Her first partner, he left, she hoovered him back and treated him badly and he left again.

I caught her cheating, I left, she started to hoover me and when she stopped I started chasing her, I returned. She started inappropriate interacting with other males in front of me several times. We argued. The last argument she asked if i wanted a divorce. It was clear she wanted out but needed me to be the one to end it.
Since then she has been cold. The ice queen but very very calm. Giving as little as possible and I have returned the same. Two people grey rocking each other.
When we met, the first date she played the victim. I do see her playing the victim role a lot over our time together.

My question is do some covert narcissists want their partner to be the one to leave them so they can play the victim? This I think works well where it is a tight community and where culture would frown upon her dumping a man to quickly take another.

[escapingman]

Do you still provide her with supply in any form or any benefits?

My covert uNPD wife discarded me years ago, but she never wanted to leave as she wanted the money I provided so she didn't have to work. I don't think she would ever have left unless I stopped earning money that she could use.  I had to force her to move out through a court order, nothing else would ever have made her move out.

Good luck, you get this.

[moglow]

do some covert narcissists want their partner to be the one to leave them so they can play the victim? This I think works well where it is a tight community and where culture would frown upon her dumping a man to quickly take another.

Whether covert narc or the average Joe/Josephine on the street, I think that mindset would apply - you simply can't be the victim when you made and act on that decision yourself, no matter how valid or reasonable your reasons may be. I know with my parents, Daddy left and mother played that victim violin ad nauseum afterwards, how he left "us" and made a new family etc. Truth be told I don't know how he stayed with her as long as he did. She was miserable and determined to drag everyone down to her level.

If she can somehow force that decision into your lap, you become the supposed bad guy. And you know what? That's okay. People are going to believe what they believe no matter what you do. It's not your responsibility to live your life for them, or her for that matter.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thank you escapingman, yes I am the wage earner.

Thank you Moglow, yes I am okay with being the one to leave.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've seen it play out where the wage earner wanted the spouse to be the one to leave, expecting their alimony payment would therefore be much less, even though the wage earner was the one having serial affairs.

[Kat54]

When my ex and I split he never once asked to work things out. Looking back, he is definitely covert and always a victim. It's like he waits for people to do things that he can then react to and be a victim. Never initiates, never his idea or decision because then he would have to be responsible in some way. Not that he doesn't make decisions in life but everything is someone else's fault. Very manipulative.

So when I left I did think to myself, he wants out just like I do, maybe more but he was too chicken to pull the trigger. He would then be held accountable for his part in the breakdown of our marriage. Since I was the one who ended things, many people felt bad for him, they still do. Poor guy, his wife left him. Victim victim victim.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Kat, thank you for sharing and it is soooooo good to know your history with your ex.

Set a boundary and she flipped. "No one can control me" was her response.
Since then she has gone more quiet, more manipulative, doing her little digs, and has stopped trying to even make an attempt to be a couple. I believe, she is ready. She even asked if I wanted to ask her for a divorce.

Know we will both me happier when I move on.

[Starboard Song]

Do some covert narcissists want their partner to be the one to discard them???

It's a standard ploy used by non-narcissists to avoid feelings of guilt and the conflict of having to announce a break up. Heck, there's a song about it. So yeah, a narcissist may very do it, too, since they are even more averse to feelings of guilt.