She caught me looking for places to stay

[InTheDragonsDen]

I am not financially able to move out.
She caught me looking for places to stay.
Should have kept my mouth closed.
Not good. Pretty much everything written how they react and what I should not have said.

[hhaw]

Eh, she was going to be a nightmare no matter how you handled yourself.

Things are escalating sooner than later.  Your discomfort will be worse and last longer.

Just don't assume you can or could escape the PD chaos and crazy making.....it was coming no matter what you do, ime.

Be kind to yourself.  Hide your things better.  The less info stbx has, the easier it is to get through this till you get away, ime.

But it was never going to be easy.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks Hhaw,
It is going to be so difficult now.

[hhaw]

Strap in.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

As long as you make a good plan, stuck to it while resisting pressure from the PD to sabotage yourself.....
As long as you hold her accountable for everything you possibly can while limiting the PD's access to you......
Document your situation like your life depends on it....,
you'll suffer less, move through the divorce process with economy of motion and expense.

It's when we start bartering with the PD, mistakenly believe ANYTHING we do will control the PD chaos manufacture things go sideways and expand the legal proceedings, ime.

I hope you find a safe place to go.  Soon.  Hopefully with people you trust....who can bear witness if necessary.

I hope you go as no contact as you can, NC you'll begin to feel like yourself again.  Find clarity.  Restore andcrevive your old familiar self....you need that.  You're the best resource you have.  Better to be clear thinking with judgment included by fear, regret or hate.

And breathe.....itdd...breathe and call 911 if stbx so much as tosses the tv button hard at you.  Press charges and do not waiver holding her accountable, bc she's not yet begun lashing out to do you real trauma....to terrorize you back into compliance.

Better to be gone, have all important documents and accounts and precious things safe and stowed where the PD can't access them, bc once you file divorce she's going to escalate. 

Does your gut tell you how far she might go?

Do you worry about her lodging false allegations?  Harming you?  Harming herself?

Record what you can.....document everything and make your plan.

Ask for help.

Maybe go to a shelter and ask for information and resources.

Maybe move to one, if things get worse or you feel it's time to go.

It's ok to ask for help.

It's ok to leave the PD to deal with herself....you aren't responsible for her feelings.  Not anymore.

Keep breathing......sit with distress before you act.  Calm down by breathing deeply then consider making decisions.

Reacting got you where you are today.

Learning to resist making choices based on short term relief ,with long term consequences, should be in the past.

Know a good plan is about setting long term goals and not compromising them to relieve pressure on you or the PD.

You're going to suffer for a while....wether you get through the divorce quickly or struggle bc the PD has enough access and control over you to extend this process, have you jailed or drive you insane.

You might as well set an unyielding course to the exit door and sail it without compromise.

You might as well get more of what you want, honor yourself as priority and limit the suffering for yourself and the PD.

Quicker us better, ime.

[escapingman]

Things will probably escalate now ITDD, as hhaw says strap in and prepare for a hell of a ride. When my STBX was served the divorce papers her disordered and abusive behaviours reached new levels. I was in the same house with her for 4 months and in the end I could not see straight and had only one way to go and that was out. I was fortunate as I could afford to stay at a hotel so I took off with DD at the same time as I lodged a non molestation order against STBX and managed to get STBX out of the house. I am still fighting on all fronts, but I have peace. You need peace. Is it any way you can leave the house or get her to leave? You will not be able to fight this battle from within, not if she anything like my STBX.

Good luck ITDD, I feel for you, I was where you are now. It's hell.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thank you hhaw and escapingman

Last night was bizzare:
In her eyes everything is my fault
any question I asked she never answered but spewed unrelated verbiage
she views the past in a totally different way (hint, it is all my fault and I know her version did not occur, although the experience made me feel very weird, surreal?)
she gave a thousand excuses why we cant be physically intimate (hint, it is all my fault)
she is feeling sick and losing weight but she is going to a dance and a private party in a couple of days
told me I should not be jealous of her dancing (IE grinding / touching) other men and if I am going to talk about it again then I should leave (hint, it is all my fault)
If I leave she said I should not talk to people we know or neighbors, that she is worried neighbors will hear us talking or see we are having issues and if I leave not to rent in the same area but she should know where I move to.
then I was just about asleep she snuggles next to me and tells me that she loves me and wants us to stay together
The whole experience this is what I learned: I am a bad bad person in her mind, everything is my fault but she loves the status I provide and the source of income.
Sleep finally ended her pity party.......I slept soundly, no dreams.
BTW, I only have dreams (nightmares) when my head and my heart are not in agreement. Happy to say that I haven't had a nightmare / dream in months

Woke up feeling highly motivated 🙂
It appears my problem solving skills increased rapidly during my sleep 🙂
My outlook on life is a whole lot more sunshiny than yesterday 🙂

[hhaw]

Our brains detox and our bodies heal during deep sleep.  It's fact.

Expect your stbx to flip and flop without cause....nice, cruel, love bombing, disrupting your sleep, offering sex, yelling your neighbors your neighbors you're an abusive monster, promising to change IF you just (insert something that sabotages your credibility) and maybe put you in jail.

It's nauseating to live it up close, so do your best to cultivate emotional and physical distance if you can.

Shifting into Observer mode is helpful, ime.

Having a journal to document the high points daily.....evidence beats emotionally charged PD blathering....eventually, ime.

Again, allowing the PD to influence you will generally lead to expanded suffering, financial loss and timeline to exit the legal, ime.

Prove your case in evidence before you see the first attorney.  Organize your evidence by topic and formulate your story around what you can prove, bc us blathering about PD crazy, we can't prove, makes us appear unhinged too, ime.

Prepare for good and bad days.

Remember bad days and emotions are like clouds.....they pass.

You are the blue sky......steady, always present and always on your own side.

Feel free to use other board member's filters when under pressure.

Many members have been where you are.

There's wisdom and hindsight available to you, ITDD.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thank you hhaw.
I know what needs to be done.
The left foot wants to take a step.
The right foot doesn't move.
Still sourcing options. Lack of enough financial reserves and no work limits my options.

[square]

I don't know if disability prevents you from leaving and getting a coffee or talking a walk, but keep in mind that you are not required to participate in any of these sessions.

[hhaw]

And.....
You're an adult, entitled to privacy and boundaries.

Your PD didn't "catch" you looking for places to go.

She kicked down your boundaries and feels entitled to do so....
bc she's broken and can't do better.

You can.

[square]

Great point, hhaw.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Square, would have gone better in many ways if I disengaged but I do not know if that would have left me without a place to stay for the evening or how my belongings would fared.

In some ways a loss for me. In others a reinforcement of having zero worth to her other than for status and money.
I am trying my hardest to find a cheap solution to my problem.

[square]

Understood. I have reasons I didn't/couldn't leave the house back when my husband was giving me the hours-long lectures about how I ruined everything and was the world's worst wife and so on. And simply ignoring him, I learned after a couple of attenpts, would drive him into rage.

But you may find ways to engage less even if you feel you must still stay. Not JADEing, just letting them think and feel whatever they want, it's their business and we can disconnect and leave them to it. It's not perfect, we'll be accused of not caring (and informed this was the cause of everything all along), accused of being robotic, and crazy (lol) and on and on - can you tell I have some experience in this area?

But disengaging, as much as possible, is not about changing their behavior. It's about you. She will do her thing, but you don't have to buy into it. Your stress will be markedly lower. Good luck.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Square, thank you so much for your help. WoW very appreciated.
Yes today I am just smiling. She is trying to read me and I am showing neutral. Keeping my routine as normal as possible.
Yesterday was a plus and a minus. The plus was it reinforced everything I have been feeling for a long time.

I really want out now. But it is looking bleak. But I havent given up. I am almost to the point I would rather live on the street