First counseling appointment ....

[Amadahy]

....in nearly nineteen years is on Friday, 22nd. 

I'm feeling nervous. Even though I do need counseling, I have this feeling of shame that I can't fix this myself. That is totally BS, I know intellectually, but my perfectionistic tendencies taunt me.

And, I know there will be much tears and snot and I dread it as I already feel exhausted.  I also know this too is necessary and will pass.

I see how deep my distrust of people in general is as I'm reading the consent forms and thinking about whether I can open up or not. I have a fear of authority and most often like to fly under the radar. Being exposed and vulnerable feels scary, unsafe.

But I need this. So much.

So, off I go. Much good juju and prayers appreciated. Thank you, lifesaving community. (I really mean that.) ❤️

[Malini]

Hi Amadahy,

Therapy can be such a great healing tool even if it comes at a price.

When I finally decided to bite the bullet and set up some sessions for myself, like you I felt shame that I ,,failed" at dealing with my issues, I felt like a bit of a loser and I hated that I would have to put my trust in a complete stranger and share things that I had told no one.

When I confided in a close friend of mine, she praised my courage, saying it was a brave thing to do to open the box of crapola and face it head on. She said it took courage to admit that I had reached the end of what I could achieve by myself and to  look for help elsewhere.

I found her words so encouraging and empowering, making me feel like a ,,winner", and so I pass them on to you in the hope that they'll bolster you up a bit before Friday.

And sending you lots of good juju too!

[RavenLady]

Hi Amadahy. I'm sitting here emotionally exhausted from my therapy appointment today. Like, spent.

As hard as it can be, it has come to be the hour I most look forward to every week. When I was really sick I would do everything in my power to make my appointment. Sometimes that was all the energy I had to spend for several days. Sometimes I still couldn't go or even call in, and that was especially hard. My T has become my lifeline, second only to DH, during this season of tremendous upheaval.

I have seen a number of therapists off and on over the years and this is the first time I've really clicked with one and felt like I was actually making progress. Indeed, since starting with him, my progress has changed my life dramatically. I've been going to him now for about 2 years. It's still scary. It's still unpredictable. I still often dread it even when I know I need/want to go. But he's a very compassionate listener and willing and able to gently correct and challenge my toxic shame, week after week. Especially when I didn't even realize that's where I was stuck.

I came home today and told DH "It really doesn't seem like I should need to pay somebody $____ and hour just to tell me to be kind to myself over and over again."

DH in typically wise fashion responded, "Probably if you hadn't had such shitty parents you wouldn't need to. Not your fault." So, yeah.

Even though I know intellectually T is trustworthy, I still get really scared. Psychological abuse is one of the things I'm recovering from, so there is this fear that once he "gets" me he will exploit that knowledge in some nefarious way. I'm learning ever so slowly (and expensively!) to allow myself to feel what I feel, even about him, and to trust myself. Sometimes that means I don't feel ready to tell him something that has come up that I know I will eventually need to process with him for my own good. My commitment to the emotionally abandoned and despairing child who occupies part of my psyche is to keep her feeling safe as much as I can. Sometimes that means holding back, even with my T, until I am more ready. And this, too, is okay.

I hope you, too, find healing with your T. If not this one, then the one whom you eventually find when you are ready. If they help you be more compassionate with yourself, it will be entirely worth it...no matter the cost, emotionally or otherwise.

Hugs and healing to you.

[practical]

Malini is giving you great insight, it shows strength, wisdom to know when you need help and to reach out for it. Weakness is hiding, pretending there is no problem, and you are doing the opposite.

From a more practical  perspective, if your M had broken your leg with her attacks you would go to an orthopedist or surgeon and not think for one second about it, you wouldn't try to walk around with a broken leg, she battered your soul, so you are going to a soul-doctor to help with your healing.

Thinking of you

[Summer Sun]

Wishing you much good juju, Amadhy!  I second all comments and hope your T will be as lovely as mine. 

It does take courage to siphon up and pour out the trauma stored inside to an outside source, a stranger at that.  To spill sacred secrets that have scarred us.  To remove that loaded knapsack we've carried for so long.  I too feared authority figures, go easy, trust takes time. 

It is difficult, snotty work, but worth it.  You got this.  You are strong, courageous, resilient.  Kleenex is provided by the T free of charge.  We are here for you too. 

Hugs.

Summer Sun

[Amadahy]

TY so much for kind words and thoughts! I am very pleased w my counselor's demeanor, approach and experience! She is the only one in our town certified in emdr therapy and I didn't even know until today. Score!  I am so thankful and happy and have hope for continued healing. ❤️

[Malini]

That's great news Amadahy. It's can be hit and miss to find a therapist you have a connection with and you feel you can trust. I'm so pleased it worked out so well for you.