Feeling like apologizing to good friends

[Spygirl]

Hello,

Posting this because I haven't seen it addressed anywhere yet.


As I'm a little over a year out, and having lots of therapy ,and of course this forum to help me get through things, i have a nagging question.

Should I contact my good friends, people I still know who are decent people, and apologize to them, Due to the way I might have treated them during my marriage?

Looking back at what happened to me during the 10 years I was married I see  That I had fleas, that I was a bitch off and on, that i became someone i was not always proud of. The whole experience dramatically altered me.

I wanted so much to make my husband happy and proud of me(fake), and was so proud and grateful that somebody that amazing had married me, I was certainly at  times  being fairly arrogant.  I certainly stepped away from the person they knew most of their lives for quite some time. Then the fear and isolation.  I started to get my real self back 2 years ago when I started drifting emotionally and mentally away from my husband's abuse.

I feel really ashamed about some of that stuff and I want to tell them, I want to tell them about what happened to me and take responsibility for my crappiness.

Has anyone done this? I am hoping it is met with forgivness, it will be a relief for me to apologize. Im not sure if it would be better in person, or in a letter so i am not bawling the whole time.

[stardawn192]

I have been on the receiving end recently with this. A friend of mine, who I was in her wedding and then we grew apart after due to her PDh, just reconnected because she is going through him having discarded her. She apologized for the way our falling out happened (it was mainly him not wanting her to have friends and we were very close in college) and wanted to know that she was there for me with whatever I was going through as well because she could see I was dealing with some issues. We've been talking daily since, kind of cheering one another on, it's been nice and supportive.

If you feel it is something you would like to do, I don't think it would hurt, they might also appreciate it, or tell you that you don't need to worry about it, but for you it would be therapeutic. It could make your friendship even stronger than before

[openskyblue]

I can sympathize. One of the ways my NPD exhusband controlled me (and others) was through the net of lies he told. He was a pathological liar, had no problem saying anything to manipulate and control others, and liked to keep me isolated from friends and family. Over time, I lost touch with many people who had been our friends, mostly because he would convince me they weren't trustworthy, had too many problems, their kids were screwed up, you name it.  He was very convincing, and it took many years for me to figure out what was going on. By the time I did, I'd lost some good people from my life.

I'd recommend reaching out to your friends, but taking it very slowly. For me, I found that most people were happy to hear from me and wanted to reconnect -- but not at a deep level. They were wary at first. That was fine! They had been hurt too, and I needed to to let them regain trust in me at their own pace. In a couple of cases, these friendships healed and flourished. In others, not so much.

Good luck!  As Dr. King said, it's always the right time to do right.

[11JB68]

I've had similar thoughts, and in my mind compare it to a 12 step recovery process and making amends.
I have a male friend/colleague whom I blocked on fb because uPDh was ramping up with jealousy, and I want to explain to this person that it wasn't about him or anything he did

[openskyblue]

That sounds like a good place to start. I'm sorry that you've had to suffer this way. But, I'm betting you're going to find that many people have been worried about you. At least, that's what I found.

[Spygirl]

Opensky,
Perhaps. I did not think of that. I think more that they are polite and stay away. Perhaps wonder why i was so tense for so many years, why i rarly ever went to see them. When i did the h was in tow. He was usually uncomfortable and that made me worried. Perhaps a letter as an opening so they can process. Maybe then see them if they reach out. My h was covert. No one will believe what i suffered in his house.

[11JB68]

Spygirl, some friends may surprise you in a good way. My uPDh is an introvert, very covert etc. When I finally confided in one friend, her reaction was 'oh that explains a lot!' And then basically 'what canI do to help?"

[openskyblue]

My exhusband is a sociopath (diagnosed), and he was very good at making people believe he was a good guy, just maybe a little eccentric. Very few people saw the raging, abusive person he was at home or that I was his main target for working out his agressions. By the time I left, I was a depressed, isolated, terrified mess -- and he spent an enormous amount of energy smearing me to others and painting me as unstable, unreliable, and mentally ill.

One of the greatest gifts I received was when a friend I lost touch with said this (paraphrasing):  I never saw the scary, sociopathic version of your exhusband. To me, he was just this overly charming, high energy guy. But I believe everything you've told me about how he abused you. How can I help?

I wept, when she told me this. And a number of other times, as other friends said virtually the same thing to me. It took time and chit chat and just spending time together to get to this place, and it didn't happen with everyone.

[Sarah H]

Hi there. I've not needed to do what you are thinking of and I don't know if I would be brave enough if I did! However I thought I would say how I would feel if a friend was unkind and then apologised and I am sure that I would happily re-start the friendship. For me an explanation (it could be very short) would be more important than an apology as I would want to know why my friend had been this way and if I'm not given a reason I'll think they just don't like or value me much.

I hope it goes well for you

[sad_dog_mommy]

I allowed myself to become 'estranged' from my friends and family.  I did it to keep the peace with my diagnosed BPDexbf.  They could see I was suffering and they knew something wasn't right but they gave me the space I needed until I finally woke up to the FOG in my brain.

I agree that calling your friends and offering an 'amends' for being an 'absent' friend is a good way to reconnect.  I bet they miss you and in some cases they might have been worried for you.  You do not have to go into all the details.  You can just say that you each wanted different things out of life.   

I wish I could wave a magic wand over your head and make the feeling of shame go away.   You are a good person who tried her best to make her marriage work.  Shame on HIM for all the things he did!   Hold your head high and know that you did the best you could.  The end of the relationship is on HIS karma; not yours.