It's so very difficult to socialize when you are dealing with all of this

[newlife33]

I was in a meeting today at work and a few people talked about their kids in college and their sisters wedding or someone getting pregnant.  I know that I shouldn't compare myself to others and that I am doing my own thing, I'm not comparing myself in anyway. 

The thing that really sticks in my craw is that I can't talk about my own family honestly and even if I did not one would believe me.  I just wish people would give me a pat on the back and tell me I'm doing ok, that my family really was toxic, that it's ok to feel alone, that it wasn't my fault. 

But it's uncomfortable to think about not being a part of a family.  It's awkward to be around someone who is doing something as difficult as I am.  And some people would definitely judge me if they found out I had left my biological family behind. 

I guess I'm just in transition.  I am no longer in the past and actively dealing with those toxic people.  I am two years + free and not under the spell.  That being said, I don't really have my own life yet.  I'm still in rehab programs, depression meetings, therapy and the like.  I don't really have a solid foundation, but I'm heading that way.

I guess typing this out I'm realizing I just have to keep the train on the tracks, let the anger and the flashbacks process and keep pushing forward and establishing boundaries and beliefs and not worry about anybody but myself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You are doing just fine. You are perfectly normal to feel alone. I don't know your story, but nobody would cut off their family, and then feel the way you've been feeling about for two years, and then stick to the decision anyway, unless they had a very good reason for doing so. So I think it very safe to affirm that your being alone in the world is NOT your fault!

Of course hearing others talk about their perfectly normal family events would be triggering. We're meant to be in a family imo. "It is not good for man to be alone." You are grieving a major loss, and building your own life for yourself from square one. That is very brave.

I'm doing the same thing, NC with entire FOO and my in-laws too. I completely relate to feeling my heart racing in social situations like you describe, then mumbling red-faced, "I really don't have any family," when asked about them. It's an awful feeling, even though in all cases no hurt was intended. They just don't know. Others have said that when it's just small talk an easy matter of fact answer that doesn't really invite further questions works just fine, even though the emotions might still be there.

I have been able to open up about my family to a few friends, and I've been pleasantly surprised by how little judgment I've encountered as a result. Most people in the world really do care! Who knew!

[Thru the Rain]

It sounds like your family is toxic and you are doing the right thing by staying away.  I coudn't find a pat on the back, but here's a big hug:

[HeadAboveWater]

I just want to validate that your path is the right path for you. If what you are doing is working well, then keep at it. A big pat on the back for building up your solid foundation.  Everyone's life looks so different. Even the folks who chatter on about the "typical" milestones and celebrations may be dealing with things we never know about.

It's just my perspective, so your mileage may vary, but I find that I compare myself to others less when I'm in a place of feeling happy and satisfied. It does take a lot of work for me to get there; satisfaction is not a state that I maintain naturally. I don't always feel that I have the time and energy to fill my calendar with the exercise, mental challenges, and socializing that helps to maintain positive distraction for me.

For what it's worth, I've always had rough luck with work socializing as well. It's not surprising, really; offices are relatively small pools, and people are chosen for their skills, not social compatibility.  In much the same way that I have a polite indifference to the conversation at the cafe table adjacent to me, work conversations often don't engage me either.  It can be a bit isolating when we see others who appear to be bonding and having fun, but some of those connections might be rather superficial.

[GentleSoul]

I wanted to post encouragement and validation to you.  I took similar measures with my toxic family.  Took me quite a while to adjust, as you mention it is you. 

So very worth it though once I got used to it.  Funny thing was that once I was comfortable to mention my NC with my family to people, very often they too had a relative or a whole set of relatives they were NC with as well.

It is not as uncommon or weird as I had assumed it was.

[notrightinthehead]

You are not alone. There are times when happy families can become just too much for me too - especially when I compare it with my own.
I used to be silent about my own experiences, now I make brief comments, no detailed song of woe, just, in my family it was like that...often a converstation stopper.  It feels ok though, I feel more authentic, true to myself that way.

[newlife33]

I wanted to post encouragement and validation to you.  I took similar measures with my toxic family.  Took me quite a while to adjust, as you mention it is you. 

So very worth it though once I got used to it.  Funny thing was that once I was comfortable to mention my NC with my family to people, very often they too had a relative or a whole set of relatives they were NC with as well.

It is not as uncommon or weird as I had assumed it was.

Thanks for your words.  I feel a lot of what you said I think I am in the "growing pains" part of my journey.  I think now that I know the full scope of my past it is easier to talk about NC and my choices.  When it was still in the early stages I probably frightened people because I was so intense and raw.  Now that I am a little more level headed and rational it seems easier to talk about it.

Thank you everyone else for your words and tips.  You all are like a lifeboat right now that is carrying me to a better place.  I'm really feeling uncomfortable and a bit tilted, but these words and experiences are reinforcing I am making the right choices and I will be in a better place soon if I just keep fighting and putting in the therapy work.

[CoffeeCup2]

It's okay, and completely normal.

Socializing was difficult with uNPDx. It was even harder when I was no longer with him but trying to rediscover myself.

Trust me when I say this, slowly but surely, you will start to feel normal again and these things will be effortless. It does take time. Don't force it, but embrace it when the small little opportunities that feel right come through.

[newlife33]

It's okay, and completely normal.

Socializing was difficult with uNPDx. It was even harder when I was no longer with him but trying to rediscover myself.

Trust me when I say this, slowly but surely, you will start to feel normal again and these things will be effortless. It does take time. Don't force it, but embrace it when the small little opportunities that feel right come through.

Thanks for that advice, you worded it very well a lot of what I am going thru and trying to instill.  I will keep the faith and keep it slow.