I absolutely hate feeling this way

[CoffeeCup2]

I don't know whether or not to blame this on "healing" from uNPDx. But it bothers me and I just need to vent here.

I am still on the road to getting my groove back. People are commenting on how fun I am, how they love being around me, how I have so much energy and a positive aura about me. But the problem is, I set myself up for failure. I don't know why. Bear with me, I'll do my best to explain.

I'm a visualizer and a daydreamer. I can say without a word of a lie, that this is what gave me the final push to leave uNPDx. About four months before I left, I just suddenly had this feeling come over me, completely random and out of the blue. I felt this wave of emotion and energy. I felt as though there was a partner out there for me, someone who loved me, treated me with kindness and respect, everything I have ever wanted.

I took this and ran with it. I visualized this guy. I visualized things we did together. I visualized him being everything I wanted in a relationship. It felt SO GOOD!  All of that gave me the push to walk away from uNPDx, because I believed he was out there somewhere.

I had this list - physical qualities, line of work, family background, etc. Yes, I got specific. Maybe too specific. Because I get disappointed very easily.

As I was feeling very energetic, outgoing and fun, I saw the guy I had visualized. Crazy eh?  But, he couldn't care less for me, had a partner, etc. All I could think of was - wow, she's lucky to have that. But then I thought to myself, ok, maybe he's not all I cracked him up to be?  Maybe there's better out there for me? 

I just feel so down and out right now. Can't even imagine getting back into that feeling of happy via visualizing. I think visualizing my happy relationship made me feel so good, made me heal from uNPDx, made me feel real again. Now I just feel like a huge idiot.

Sorry if I rambled. I just feel so dumb right now.

[artfox]

I don't know if this is the same thing, but I used to really go deep into my fantasy life. I'd get so much happiness and fulfillment from it that I couldn't wait to have time to just go inside my head.

I still have a rich imagination, but as I've healed, i haven't had that same sort of intense this-feels-more-real-than-reality thing. I'll admit that I miss it sometimes. But I also see that it was a dissociative self-protection tool that I no longer need.

Don't feel dumb. Your brain is helping you out by showing you the possibilities of a good, healthy relationship. Take the good it offers you, and see where it takes you.

[notrightinthehead]

Coffee, would it be possible to project the same amount of enthusiasm and loving onto yourself instead of another person? Fantasize about your own possible best form, behaviour, looks, and so on?

[CoffeeCup2]

Coffee, would it be possible to project the same amount of enthusiasm and loving onto yourself instead of another person? Fantasize about your own possible best form, behaviour, looks, and so on?

I am doing this, to a tee.