The cycle continues

[Bunnyme]

After a week of being hoovered, I see once again that nothing has changed.  He is living in a halfway house post drug-rehab.  Today, I got an accidental text at 11 in the morning about leaving a casino.  He tried to cover that he was trying to ask a friend if he was leaving the casino.  Then he fumbled around and finally said he did go, but he just walked around to see what it looked like since reopening post shutdown. 
I tried calling him out on it.  More stories that don't make any sense.  More trying to make me feel like the crazy one.  How cant I understand he needs an outlet?  He just walked through for 45 minutes, but decided not to play anything.  He didn't even gamble while he was there.
Why, then, am I questioning my own sanity?  Years of gaslighting have taken their toll.  I'm trying to convince myself that it totally normal to be gambling for money at 430 am (but, it was only $2...yeah,right ), then randomly driving 30 miles away to a casino just to see what it looks like (but not playing anything), then have a poker tournament on a betting site at noon (but that one is only $5).    But theres no problem.  I have the problem.  He is stuck in that house and has nothing else to do, yadda yadda. 
So sad. 
Yet I actually am questioning my own sanity as I type this.  Feeling like maybe I AM overreacting.  Why do we do this to ourselves when our rational mind knows better?  And how do I get over the "leaving him in his time of need" feeling. 

[notrightinthehead]

Can make you feel quite exhausted with yourself sometimes! It's because you are a kind, loving person, who gives second and third chances and want to trust and want to love. It's sometimes just so hard to truly accept that the partner is how we know him to be, but how he should not be.
Have you tried medium chill with such messages like leaving the casino? Just not engage? Just reply OK, or not at all? Save yourself from the upset of being lied to? Just let him do what he does, acknowledge it, let it go, and not engage at all? It might be that he gets a kick out of defending himself to you. You might be able to take away some of the pleasure by not engaging at all.

[Bunnyme]

Thank you. I'm doing medium chill on a lot of things.  Unfortunately, he still does not have a job.  For him, the extra unemployment money was not a good thing, I think.  And he is still responsible for paying half of child care according to the agreement we signed.  (I work, so I have to send them...he cant, as he only has supervised visits.  My mom is disabled and it is too much for her).  The next scary step is to file our agreement with the court, as right now, it is just a contract.  No guarantee that a judge will enforce him paying half, since he has no job.  I could end up worse off than I am.  He should have thousands in unemployment saved and be able to cover it.  I worry he is gambling it away, even though he assures me he has only done a $2 bet here and there.  I have no evidence that he is lying, so I look like the crazy one who is blowing things out of proportion.  Even I feel like the crazy one blowing things out of proportion.  In my gut, I feel I'm not...been down this road too many times (not with gambling, but with stories that dont add up).  But we rent from his family, so it is a huge gamble if I'm wrong. 

[GettingOOTF]

Then he fumbled around and finally said he did go, but he just walked around to see what it looked like since reopening post shutdown. 

On a recovery forum I read they call this “quacking”. If it looks like a duck, ...

Your husband is in a halfway house for his addiction, he is unemployed  and he is gambling. This is not what recovery looks like. This is what active addiction looks like.

My ex was unemployed/underemployed for most of our marriage. I look back and I see that he was never ever going to be anything other than what he was. His family also helped us a lot. Now I see that this enabled him to continue to live the way he did. I enabled him by taking care of all the adult responsibilities and doing well in my own job.

I learned to listen to my gut, it was never wrong.

Are you working any program yourself? Your husband is going to do what he is going to do. Nothing you say, do or worry about will change that. From what you have written it doesn’t look like he has any interest in Recovery, which as an adult is his right.

My exes family helped out financially and put a lot of pressure on me not to leave. I see now that was because they didn’t want to deal directly with all his issue. He hasn’t changed, he simply found someone to replace me.

All the Medium Chill in the world is not going to help your husband to get sober nor is all the worrying in the world.

Addiction is like abuse in that it only gets worse. I understand your worries about being worse off if you leave him, but it doesn’t look like you won’t eventually be much worse off if you stay.

I grew up with addiction in my home. I’m in my late 40s and still dealing with the negative consequences of one addicted parent and the chaos of the other parent trying to control and manage the situation.  I truly believe that the best chance my family would have had would have have for my parents to divorce.  My siblings and I recreated our parents marriage. I managed to get out, they didn’t and now I see my nieces repeating the pattern. It’s tragic.

[clara]

     Addiction is a whole 'nother layer added onto the PD cake, and one that more or less sabotages any attempt you make to control/change the situation.  Someone who will not or cannot deal with their addiction is someone you can't really help, and you have to learn to let go.  Otherwise, you risk becoming nothing more than a babysitter, someone who watches over them when they abdicate the responsibility.  Having his family in the loop is only making it worse, because more than likely they're enabling the behavior.  When you have someone actively or covertly working against you, it becomes extremely difficult to facilitate change.  You're probably being undermined, and need to seriously size up the situation. 

Have you tried AlAnon?  Sometimes being around others who have dealt with/are dealing with what you're going through is extremely helpful in not feeling so alone.  Just be aware some of these groups have their own dysfunctions so as they say, take what you need, leave the rest.  Learning to let go of a situation you can't control is a first step.   Learning you're not alone is another, and there's nothing really new under the sun. 

My uNPDexh was addicted to marijuana, which might not sound like a big deal but while he claimed it was recreational only, he also needed to use it all day, every day.  I don't even know how much of our income went to this habit, but in the end that was neither there nor here.  He never sought help or ever tried to stop, any repercussions were my burden to bear (being often unemployed was one of them, since it was expected I would always work to make sure his life of irresponsibility continued undisturbed).  I also had an alcoholic parent, and while I was still living at home I started wondering why my mother put up with my father.  As I got older, I understood how he manipulated her to accept the situation, to feel she was helpless to do anything about it.  I know I was thinking of my mother, even if subconsciously, when I left my husband.  When I left he did the whole, I can't survive without you (meaning, he couldn't survive without my income) whine, but I ignored it and thought of myself for a change.  There were two people in that marriage, and I was one of them. 

[PeanutButter]

After a week of being hoovered, I see once again that nothing has changed.  He is living in a halfway house post drug-rehab.  Today, I got an accidental text at 11 in the morning about leaving a casino.  He tried to cover that he was trying to ask a friend if he was leaving the casino.  Then he fumbled around and finally said he did go, but he just walked around to see what it looked like since reopening post shutdown. 
I tried calling him out on it.  More stories that don't make any sense.  More trying to make me feel like the crazy one.  How cant I understand he needs an outlet?

IME this is him deflecting so that the focus of the 'argument' turns from his behavior to yours?
IMO in order to be the healthiest you focus on your reactions 'calling him out' for changing since thats all you have control over. You cant control him, his recovery, or his addiction relapses. Accepting that and focusing on what is verses what you want is healthier.

He just walked through for 45 minutes, but decided not to play anything.  He didn't even gamble while he was there.
Why, then, am I questioning my own sanity? 

IME because you need/want to believe him. Thats easier even though still painfully confusing than accepting reality which is that the way he is acting does not look like recovery. What you are seeing looks like a relapse. But ime you dont want that to be true?

Years of gaslighting have taken their toll.  I'm trying to convince myself that it totally normal to be gambling for money at 430 am (but, it was only $2...yeah,right ), then randomly driving 30 miles away to a casino just to see what it looks like (but not playing anything), then have a poker tournament on a betting site at noon (but that one is only $5).    But theres no problem.  I have the problem.  He is stuck in that house and has nothing else to do, yadda yadda. 
So sad. 
Yet I actually am questioning my own sanity as I type this.  Feeling like maybe I AM overreacting.  Why do we do this to ourselves when our rational mind knows better? 
And how do I get over the "leaving him in his time of need" feeling. 

Because of the wounds/relationship models you are acting from stored in your limbic brain which when activated is shutting off access to the rational part of your brain.

[Bunnyme]

I got great advice, so I changed my strategy.  I'm not asking him things he can lie about anymore.  Tonight, I asked him for an unemployment statement.  He asked why.  I told him that I wanted to make sure taxes were taken out properly.  This is something I've asked about a lot.  I had seen once when it first got approved that it said "you have elected not to have taxes taken out."  I called him immediately and said he needed to change it.  We need the taxes withheld.  Over the last few months, he assured me at least 10 times that he had changed it.  After finding out about the gambling, I decided not to give him any more chances to lie to me. 
The result was that he tried to put me off.  Said he would send it when the next one came.  I said the last one is fine.  He said he was tired and would look tomorrow, then after a few minutes, said that it shouldn't matter, as we are probably filing separately.   I said that we hadn't even discussed that.  I said it is just a simple question...were the taxes taken out or not.  Hmmm.  Oh, gosh.  It looks like they may not have taken enough out.  I ended it with...just send me the statement. 
I put a call in to my attorney.  I'm going to try to file our agreement with the court.  She is going to set up an appointment to meet next week.  I'm done being lied to.  I keep asking these questions of him because we are still married and so financially intertwined. You were right.  It isnt healthy for me.  I need to just break free so he can do what he does and I dont have to worry about it. 
Thank you all.  Praying I have the strength to do it. 

[GettingOOTF]

When I was married I thought that we were different. I thought I was a stronger and better wife than all those other women whose marriages ended. I thought I could save my ex and we’d live happily ever after.

One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was that we weren’t different. We were exactly the same and that there was a play book that they all used. The only difference was that I held on longer and tighter than most women. 

It’s still like a slap in the face when I’m reminded of this.

My ex also refused to have proper taxes withheld. Every year we’d file our taxes and end owing. I had additional taxes withheld and we’d still end up owning. We’d fight about it during the year as he’d swear he was having taxes withheld but he’d never show me proof.

The first year I filed after our divorce I got a FIVE FIGURE refund. The first thing my new accountant said was “why are you paying so much tax?”. My ex lied every single day about this. And I let him.

They really are all the same.

I look back on that time and I’m angry that I was with someone who had so little regard for me and our relationship that he’d lie and put us in such a precarious financial situation.

After I divorced I found out my ex had been cheating on me for most of the marriage. I suspect that’s where the tax money went, but he’s also a master at getting people to feel sorry for him so I suspect he got the women to pay for a lot. I know that when I was out working he was treating himself to nice meals etc. He got to live exactly the life he wanted and when I left he found someone to help him continue that life.

[Bunnyme]

I confronted him about it, again asking for the paperwork.  He lied again at first, then when I wasnt accepting that, finally said that, yes, he has been lying about having taxes taken out and proceeded to deflect and launch into a whole thing about how I'm unsupportive, how I don't show him enough trust.  So, basically, I made him lie to me because i havent been trusting enough of him.  Ok then.  He is also stepping it up.  Thinly veiled threats of "you know I can move back into that house in 28 days."  I asked if that is his intention, and he said, "I didnt say that.  You have brought up the agreement to me before, so I'm just stating what's in there."  Then more gaslighting, followed by me not giving him enough credit for all of the positive changes he is making.  I know my mistake was engaging in the conversation at all.  I'm not perfect, and it is so hard not to defend yourself against ridiculous accusations, but I know better than to not just hang up.  He is uNBPD, but in my mind, there is very little doubt. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Bunnyme, is it an option for and the children to live in a house of your own?  One that has no connection with his family?  I realise you probably can't do it immediately, but could it be a long term goal?

I hope the court signs off on your agreement. But be prepared for him to not stick to it. And be prepared for him to get away with it, as courts cannot make someone behave, and going to court to get any kind of consequence is a long and expensive process.

I hope things move positively forward for you soon.

AOD

[Bunnyme]

Thank you.  Yes.  The plan is to find a home of my own.  Right now, I cant afford anything around where I am, and I'd have to break the childcare contract I signed if I move and change my son's school.  I will likely have to rent for a while, which is fine, but if I break contract, my disabled mom will have to live with me.  Finding a place that is accessible and in budget (since she would need a bedroom, too) is an uphill battle.  I am constantly looking to see if there is anything.  If there is such a thing as a townhouse with a first floor master...  waiting it out until I have to move so I can save money.