medium chill - did I do this right?

[Sidney37]

Hi.  I had a visit from my uPDm recently and I realized that I had slipped back into the FOG.  I've posted several times this week in an attempt to find my way back out.  Thanks to everyone so far.

So I realized that I am OK at medium chill in certain contexts.  On the phone, I can just be busy and have to go.  Easy for me.  In person at my house is not as easy.  UPDM and enD live very far and stay with us when they visit.  No way around that other than no contact.  That didn't work for us the last time.

The last few visits I managed just fine by using "oh", "hmmm", "I'll think about that", "maybe later", etc. every time she tried to bully or boss me into doing something.  I walked away.  It was easy enough and it worked OK.   This visit, she decided to directly and intentionally undermine my parenting in front of my kids.  She hasn't done that in years when they were too young to really know what she had done.  I was caught off guard, but calmly in a quiet tone, I told her that I was the adult and the parent and I was handling it the way that I was told to by the pediatrician.  I felt terrified just saying it.     She was furious.  You can't disagree or talk back to her in any way or she becomes a total waif.  Immediately and  front of my kids, she insisted that I was so mean to her, she never should have come to visit, she's never going to visit again, she was just trying to help, how could I ever treat her that way, if she knew I was going to be like this she should have left days before, she never wanted to visit to begin with because of how I treat her.  All for saying that I was the parent and was handling a rather minor discipline issue (sending a child to their room for a few minutes break for talking back to and arguing with an adult)  the way I was told to by the pediatrician.  That child is her GC and can do no wrong.  I had my kids leave the room and repeated to her calmly that I am their parent and I am handling it the way it should be handled.  She was getting ready to get more upset when my husband walked into the room.  She won't do any of this in front of him and it stopped immediately.  When her GC who was being disciplined walked back into the room a few minutes later, uPDM sat next to the child and proceeded to stroke GC's arm and hair in a possessive, creepy attempt-at-I-love-your-child-and-you-don't kind of way.  Sort of like petting a dog.  The child was clearly uncomfortable and got up and walked away.  This was just before they were due to leave, so shortly after they got in the car to head home.   

So what could I have done better?  As I type this, I know many of you will say not to let her in my house again.  Are there any other things I could or should have done?  We're not at that NC point again.  We were there several years ago.  The stress of it literally caused her to have a breakdown with a trip to the ER, and I got blamed by everyone in the extended family.  No visits are scheduled at this point other than a family vacation that I am not going to go on with her.  I posted about that earlier this week. 

[illogical]

My thoughts on what you've posted--

*Start setting some new "rules" for any future visits.  Make sure you are NOT left alone in the room with your mother-- i.e., schedule the visits when your DH can be there in the room with you.  You've said she won't act out in from of him, so let him be your "bodyguard", so to speak.

*Don't react to her waify act-- i.e., "I should never have come" or "I won't visit again".  Let her have her rant and then calmly say, "Perhaps it would be best if you left now".  Don't try to argue with her because it will get you nowhere.  My NM used to say things to me like "I won't call you again" or "Have a nice life, I won't bother you again" when I levied any criticism her way, even the slightest criticism.  This was all an act, this "waifyness" that she could turn on and off at will.  She would "punish" me for several days or weeks with The Silent Treatment, then when she thought she had punished me enough, would call me back and act like nothing had happened.

*You might start getting together a "script" of medium chill responses that don't involve emotional reaction.  You can rehearse these before she visits.  The key is to remain calm and nonplused and not give her what she wants-- an "angry" or "upset" you.

P.S.  There are some great ideas in the Toolbox on this website.  Go to "What to Do" and then click on "Medium Chill".  There's a whole list of ideas for responses! 

[openskyblue]

With all due respect, what do you get out of her visits? The scenario you describe sounds, well, dreadful. And her antics must be very confusing to your kids and set up weird dynamics between them (especially if she's already identified the GC). Undermining your parenting, making accusations and threats to leave, etc. sounds mighty destabilizing and abusive to you and your family.

It sounds like you the main reason you have her come is to avoid the extended family guilt blow back if you banned her visits. And it sounds like she is skilled at using high drama to get her way. If avoiding guilt is the only reason you are allowing her into your family, maybe looking at that guilt and figuring out how to dispel it for good would be helpful to you.

Good luck with all this!  It sound very hard.

[Sidney37]

I do it to see my father.  He won't leave her and is totally bullied by her.  He lets her make all decisions for him.  He insists, like many enablers do, that she'll never change and you just have to agree with her and do what she says.  He avoids her at home by sleeping or doing volunteer work out of the house.  I can't get him to visit without her. 

[Sidney37]

Thank you.  This is helpful.  I've read through the MC in the toolbox, but it's helpful to have specific things pointed out by someone who has been there.

*Start setting some new "rules" for any future visits.  Make sure you are NOT left alone in the room with your mother-- i.e., schedule the visits when your DH can be there in the room with you.  You've said she won't act out in from of him, so let him be your "bodyguard", so to speak.

We are laughing, in a good way, at this.  She's so manipulative, she'll just wait until he goes to the bathroom for her picking at me and drama to start.  I suggested to him that he wear a catheter for her visit.     I think making sure he is home and in the room is a good idea.  Things got worse this visit the days he wasn't home.   We had a rule after the months of NC that she couldn't threaten to go home or she was going home.  I didn't say anything this time because she was literally packed and ready to go.  I'll remind her of the rule before her next visit if there is one.

*Don't react to her waify act-- i.e., "I should never have come" or "I won't visit again".  Let her have her rant and then calmly say, "Perhaps it would be best if you left now".  Don't try to argue with her because it will get you nowhere.  My NM used to say things to me like "I won't call you again" or "Have a nice life, I won't bother you again" when I levied any criticism her way, even the slightest criticism.  This was all an act, this "waifyness" that she could turn on and off at will.  She would "punish" me for several days or weeks with The Silent Treatment, then when she thought she had punished me enough, would call me back and act like nothing had happened.

For the past few years I was just walking away with a "hmmm" when she did the "I should just leave right now, I never should have come, you are so mean to me" bit.  I learned that after she did it the evening before my son't birthday party that he wanted her to attend. She demanded that I take her to the train station so she could go home.  She sat on a chair in my yard, sobbing so the neighbors could see and making my kids upset.  It was all over her picking at me constantly about party plans not being how she wanted them until I finally snapped and told her that I didn't like it and to stop.  Again, tears, hysteria, furor, how could I do this to her.  And, of course, she was only trying to help.  Then tells my dad that she was helping and I was so mean to her.  Then he lectures me to be nice to her, you know how she is, don't disagree, just do whatever she says, etc.  I didn't want her to leave and upset my son on his birthday, so I gave in and apologized.  Never again.  From then on, I just totally didn't react.  Complete medium chill no matter what awful thing she said to me.  But it's upsetting to be talked to in that way and say nothing.  It builds and builds until I end up snapping at my husband or kids.

I think from now on, especially now that my kids are older, I'll just tell her that she's right, maybe she should leave and never come again. 

*You might start getting together a "script" of medium chill responses that don't involve emotional reaction.  You can rehearse these before she visits.  The key is to remain calm and nonplused and not give her what she wants-- an "angry" or "upset" you.

After years of snapping at her, I came here a few years ago and found out the key was to be calm.  I'm calm no matter what she says.  I'm to the point that I don't react at all.  But now saying anything that even seems like I might disagree with her, even in a totally detached, calm way, sets her off.  I just looked at the MC list.  I think even
It's none of your business.
It's already handled, taken care of.
The topic is closed
I said no and do not bring this up again
would set off the waify crying about how mean I am to her. 

I do see that "It looks like my being here is upsetting you, we'll get together another time." is on the list.  That's almost the same as telling her that maybe she should go or maybe she shouldn't visit again if it causes her to be so upset.  I'll have my dad insisting that I have to fix it, because he will then have to deal with her meltdown, but that's his problem I guess.   

[daughterofbpd]

Hi Sidney37,

Medium chill is kind of tough when the parent is staying in your home. There's certain things that I don't talk to my M about that she would notice in my home. I think MC is mostly about keeping conversation off any hot topics, not sharing too much information about your life, & also about not reacting/showing the person that they are getting to you. Medium chill is a great tool but you still need boundaries. For example, I would have said something like "Mom, please leave the party planning to me. I understand that you are trying to help but I have things under control." Then change the subject or leave the room every time she brings up party plans. Yes, she might start waifing out but that's her problem. You cannot live your life doing whatever your parents tell you to do. You are an adult.

After years of snapping at her, I came here a few years ago and found out the key was to be calm.  I'm calm no matter what she says.  I'm to the point that I don't react at all.  But now saying anything that even seems like I might disagree with her, even in a totally detached, calm way, sets her off.  I just looked at the MC list.  I think even
It's none of your business.
It's already handled, taken care of.
The topic is closed
I said no and do not bring this up again
would set off the waify crying about how mean I am to her.

I do see that "It looks like my being here is upsetting you, we'll get together another time." is on the list.  That's almost the same as telling her that maybe she should go or maybe she shouldn't visit again if it causes her to be so upset.  I'll have my dad insisting that I have to fix it, because he will then have to deal with her meltdown, but that's his problem I guess. 

All of these are great examples of things to say. your M is going to get upset and there is no way around that. Your feelings matter just as much as your M's feelings - even more so because if you don't look out for you then no one else is going to (at least not your parents). If your M is being overly negative or mean then you should ask her to stop. There's no reason you need to put up with that. I highly recommend reading up on setting boundaries. It's a totally different concept than MC but you should use both.

Also, you don't owe it to your dad to make his life easier. He choose to marry your M, he can deal with her. It is complete BS that he expects you to sarafice your mental well-being for your M's happiness (my dad is the same way). You might even set a boundary with your dad like "It isn't my responsibility to keep M happy at the expense of my feelings. Please stop asking me to fix her feelings."

Good luck with everything. I know this isn't easy but it does get easier.

[illogical]

... We're not at that NC point again.  We were there several years ago. The stress of it literally caused her to have a breakdown with a trip to the ER, and I got blamed by everyone in the extended family.

Please do not feel responsible for your mother's breakdown.  You did not intend to cause her harm-- you just wanted to protect yourself and your family from further abuse.  You have no control over her reactions.  You may have gotten the blame by everyone in the extended family, but they surely don't know the whole story and, more importantly, you do not have to accept the blame they placed on you.

If you accept blame for this and allow your mother to continue her visits because of what you fear might happen to her in the future-- i.e., another breakdown-- you are effectively letting her feelings hold you hostage.  This is not right and you don't deserve it. 

Keep standing up for yourself and don't give your mother power over you.  As others have said, you are an adult, and you have the responsibility to YOURSELF to protect yourself, stand up for yourself and not allow others to make you feel small because of it (or blame you for their breakdowns).  A big part of coming Out of the FOG is realizing that you cannot make others happy and you have no control over their feelings or their happiness.  The "others" in your extended family who did not wish to ask your side of things and aligned themselves with your mother either blindly gave her their loyalty or were unwitting pawns in the game.  Either way, they don't deserve to have input on your guilt.  There are two kinds of guilt-- one kind is deserved and we know deep within that we intended to cause harm;  the other is undeserved and placed upon us for no good reason by those who haven't a clue as to what the genuine circumstances are.  The latter is the kind of guilt that needs to be dismissed and not given quarter in our lives.

[WomanInterrupted]

I really have to agree with Illogical on this - you are not responsible if your mom has a breakdown or a "breakdown" and has to go to the ER, winds up in the hospital, gets upset, has a tantrum, or anything else she can manufacture as a way to *guilt* you into visits or talking on the phone.

She can smear you far and wide to others in your FOO and my response to that is:  SO WHAT?   

You can always tell those people this is between you and your mother, so kindly butt out and  don't bring it up again.   

If they persist, block them.  The smart ones will start to see what you've known all along, and the ones who want to drink her kool aid can go right on drinking it, but you won't have to hear about it. 

I mentioned in another post that your father is NOT your responsibility.  If your mom bullies him, and he allows it, he's an *adult* and he's made that *choice* for himself.  It's not up to you to rescue somebody who doesn't want to be rescued from a Dysfunctional Dance he clearly benefits him, somehow.

Your feelings *matter.*  Your DH's feelings *matter.*  Your kids' feelings *matter* - and they all take priority over your mom's feelings about anything. 

If you want to go back to NC, *do it* and ignore the fall out, which will probably be another "emergency" you'll be blamed for because that's how she got you to respond last time, so she's apt to do it again, or up her game.

That's the only thing she learned, I'm afraid:  To get Sidney to respond to me, I have to wind up at the ER, then get everybody on her case about it.   

When I started lowering contact with unBPD Didi, she was determined to get me back in the loop and checking on her *daily* (NO!  ), so she kept having herself hospitalized, over and over again, for Makeitiupitis, while ignoring her many serious medical problems!   

She *thought* I'd have to come running - after all, it's a small city, and every hospital is just about 3-10 miles away, and she's my mooooooother.   

And since she *conveniently* would have these "emergencies" when my DH was out of town, she thought I had *no excuse* to spend 12+ mind-numbing hours a day, listening to her complain about everything. 

Didi was wrong.  I stayed home.  I never visited her.  And I also realized I was the one telling her when my DH was going go to go away, so I stopped that shit immediately!   

No matter what she said or did, I kept on my lowering contact trajectory, and never visited her - even when she demanded I come and take a look at the bumps on her face, because no doctor would know what they were.   

I told her to ask for a dermatology consult, she said she didn't want to BOTHER them, so I said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you then..." - and she slammed the phone down.   

The ONLY things they want are total obedience and control, while abdicating ALL accountability (by going Waif) - and that flies in the face of us normal folks, who have *boundaries.* 

The boundaries are for YOU.  If your boundary is, "I am not putting up with this for one more second and NC is the only way." - that's what you DO.   

Your parents are adults and responsible for their own emotions, and you are NOT.  Your job isn't to caretake them, emotionally, or tell them they're right when they're not, just to keep the peace - your job is to live your life to the fullest, and hopefully be happy and successful in all your endeavors. 

If your mom is going to be SUCH a force of negativity in your life, your DH's life, and the lives of your kids, you're better off without her - and if you went back, read your own post, but substituted the word, "boyfriend" for mother, you'd be very quick to agree with me:  yes, this is an abusive relationship that must end. 

You don't live your life to keep your mother happy.  You're an *adult* and you no longer have to rely on her being in a good mood to ensure your very survival.

I think it would be wise for you to end this relationship before 5, 10 years go by and oh my God, she's actually getting WORSE!   And will continue to get even worse as she ages! 

Take it from my experience - one she hits her 60's, baby, you ain't seen *nothing* yet.   

Didi, who was in her late 70's, got it into her head that she was owed a hospital bed in our living room, with me to wait on her, 24/7, and nothing was going to disabuse her of that idea (magical thinking - if I want it, I will GET it) - including me telling her it wasn't going to happen.

Now, I wish I'd had the courage to block her number and be done with it, but hindsight it funny like that. 

But you can save yourself and your FOC a lot of grief  if you go back to NC now, and stick with it, no matter what she throws at you.  She will probably throw a *lot* - but stand firm, knowing you really are doing the right thing.   

[Sidney37]

Thanks WI.  I really appreciate your insight and experience.  So for some practical advice on all of this.  I gave her some exact responses from the toolbox  last night on the phone  in a calm, kind voice.  She kept insisting that I was being short with her.  Insisted that I was short and snippy and demanded to know why.  I assured her i wasn't being short, but I'm a talker, so she knows something's up.  She was insisting on knowing why I was being short with her, what my problem was and why I was treating her this way.  I managed to change the subject to a news story in her town i have knowledge of.  I was short with her.  I said I wasn't.  Is that what I was supposed to do?  It felt like I was lying. 

[Sidney37]

Oh WI,  she's already in her 70s and I just see it getting worse from here. 

[illogical]

... I gave her some exact responses from the toolbox  last night on the phone  in a calm, kind voice.  She kept insisting that I was being short with her.  Insisted that I was short and snippy and demanded to know why.  I assured her i wasn’t being short, but I’m a talker, so she knows something’s up. She was insisting on knowing why I was being short with her, what my problem was and why I was treating her this way. I managed to change the subject to a news story in her town i have knowledge of.  I was short with her.  I said I wasn’t.  Is that what I was supposed to do?  It felt like I was lying. 

If you responded in a calm, kind voice as you posted you did, you weren't being short with your mother.  "Being short" with someone means you are being curt and rude in your response.

Your mother is not going to like Medium Chill.  In fact, she's likely not going to like anything you do short of 100% compliance.  By that I mean no criticism on your part, no taking issue with anything she says, agreeing with her all the time, acknowledging that she is always right and never wrong and basically taking the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong in her life.

So IMO, when you decide to use Medium Chill on someone, you have to lower your expectations and realize they aren't going to like it. 

My suggestions are--

*start cutting back on the phone calls & make yourself unavailable until you want to initiate contact.  If this results in The Silent Treatment, let it happen.  If it results in her frantically trying to contact you because she thinks something horrible has happened, let it happen.  Let her calls go to v-mail for awhile until you are ready to contact her.

*If she says anything again like she said last night, state your position but only once and don't argue with her.  Example--

Your mother:  "You are being short with me."
You:  "No, I'm not."
Your mother:  "Yes you are! You are being short and snippy and I want to know why!"
You:  "I'm not going to argue with you.  I'm sorry you feel that way."
Your mother:  "Tell me what is going on."
You:  "I've already told you that nothing is going on and I have nothing more to say.  If you have nothing more to say, I'll talk to you later. "

If your mother continues and persists because she won't give it up, you end the call.  "Talk to you later, bye." And hang up the phone.

As long as you are giving your mother polite and airy responses in a non-combative way (and unemotional way), you are using Medium Chill.  The parameters are that you don't JADE as to "what is going on" and you refuse to argue or go round and round in circular conversations until she wears you down.  You end the phone call before it comes to that point.

I was LC with my mother for about a year, then VLC for about six months, then I went NC because my NM trampled every boundary I erected.  She had no respect for me or my boundaries. 

Medium Chill and erecting boundaries and going LC or VLC-- well, PDs don't like any of it.  It has been my experience that you cannot let your guard down for a minute.  Some days are more successful than others.  But for me, Medium Chill and boundaries bought me valuable time that I needed to think things through.  In my case, I gradually let go of the rope.  I cut the visits back, then completely out.  I then cut the calls back, then let go of the rope altogether.

You have to decide what is best for you as far as the level of contact.  There are no easy fixes here or quick answers.  It's a journey.   

[Sidney37]

Thank you.  My answers to her weren't as lengthy as usual.  They were calm, kind and from the toolbox.  Shorter answers means to her that i'm "being short", "mad at her" and "being mean". She's not going to like this one bit.  She walks right over boundaries and when I call her on it, she cries that I am so mean. I refuse to make any decisions for her even though she tries to get me to.  That one I do great at.  This is going to be hard, but necessary.  Thanks!

[illogical]

You don't have to have short conversations with Medium Chill.  It's not the same as Grey Rock, although they are both a means to emotionally detach.

My mother was a narcissist, so she always wanted the conversation to revolve around her or my GC brother.

When I used Medium Chill, sometimes I would go on and on and on about a topic I knew didn't interest her.  For example, a dissertation on "How to Peel a Potato", e.g.    After a few minutes of this, she would beat a path to get off the phone with me.  Any attempt on her part to try to change the conversation back to her or GC bro was met with another diversion on my part to continue the saga of the peeled potato.  Yep.  I turned into the most boring and uninteresting person on the planet.  I can tell you from experience this works.  Try it.  It's a good way to cut a conversation short. 

[11JB68]

Illogical...I've done something similar with uPDh a few times...Just made small talk to avoid other topics..

[Sidney37]

Tonight I rambled on and on about a local news story (local to me, not her) with lots and lots of detail.  She was sighing, yawning and all around bored.  Then she decided she was too bored to be on the phone and had to go.  I think I see the difference between just using the phrases in the toolbox and being utterly boring and still chatty. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

My mother was a narcissist, so she always wanted the conversation to revolve around her or my GC brother.

When I used Medium Chill, sometimes I would go on and on and on about a topic I knew didn't interest her.  For example, a dissertation on "How to Peel a Potato", e.g.    After a few minutes of this, she would beat a path to get off the phone with me.  Any attempt on her part to try to change the conversation back to her or GC bro was met with another diversion on my part to continue the saga of the peeled potato.  Yep.  I turned into the most boring and uninteresting person on the planet.  I can tell you from experience this works.  Try it.  It's a good way to cut a conversation short.

This worked with topics that were of genuine interest to me! Anything outside their monologue that they couldn't pretend to know more than me about... "Well, I guess I'll let you go..."

[WomanInterrupted]

You handled her like a BOSS!   

I'd sometimes bore Didi with the topic of cooking, since she had absolutely no interest in it, but I had to stop when she Waifed, "I  wish SOMEBODY would do my cooking." 

That got a response of, "Call Meals on Wheels and have them sign you up."

Her response?  "I don't want to BOTHER them."

So I said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you..." - and she slammed the phone down in my ear.

That became a regular occurrence, because, in Didi's mind, I was *malfunctioning* and not investing myself in her, like she thought I should.   

Didi was one you really couldn't have conversations with, like the opening of a jewelry store, because it would *always* come back to, "I wish SOMEBODY would take me there."

So  I wound up sticking to gardening, the weather, and the latest episode of House, MD, that she'd seen for the five billionth time, while inferring *somebody* needed to find a doctor like that for her.

Sorry, he doesn't exist and no, I don't have Harry Potter's phone number.   

Those were the only safe topics - everything else was loaded and just ripe for turning it around and making it *all about Didi.*   

If your mom is in her 70's, this stuff is going to go off the rails in epic fashion, unless you get a handle on it - by lowering contact significantly, only calling maybe once every week or two, not responding immediately to messages that say, "I need to ask you something..." (chances are, it's not important, and she'll have forgotten by the time you call), and becoming *comfortable* with YOUR boundaries.   

Those boundaries may include no more visits to yours, because she upsets the kids and picks on you, no more visits to hers, because it's her lair (home turf and comfort zone) and ONLY meeting in public, like a restaurant.   

She is going to hate every bit of this and rail against it - including Medium Chill and boring conversation topics - with the power of ten thousand suns, constantly try to test boundaries by ignoring them, saying you're being mean, having tantrums over nothing, and constantly having "medical emergencies."

IGNORE it all and *stick to your boundaries, no matter what she pulls.*   

Eventually, you probably will get SO sick of how vapid, shallow and self-centered she is and decide  NC is, once again, your best option because you actually can't *stand* talking to her.

I got to that point with Didi - she was a hateful, petty, venial, spiteful, malicious creature, who thought everybody owed her something - especially me. 

If you haven't read the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, it's excellent.  It can be a bit on the religious side, but not *too* religious, if you know what I mean.  I didn't find it off-putting at all. 

You can get it on Amazon, in various formats, and I think you'll find it helpful - and in the early days, we often need all the help we can get!   

Illogical wrote:

*If she says anything again like she said last night, state your position but only once and don't argue with her.  Example--

Your mother:  "You are being short with me."
You:  "No, I'm not."
Your mother:  "Yes you are! You are being short and snippy and I want to know why!"
You:  "I'm not going to argue with you.  I'm sorry you feel that way."
Your mother:  "Tell me what is going on."
You:  "I've already told you that nothing is going on and I have nothing more to say.  If you have nothing more to say, I'll talk to you later. "

I wanted to include that, because I LOVE it - and had to use it on Didi a time or two - she always opted for slamming the phone down on me, because she had to have the last word.

BTW - that slamming the phone down thing?  I took it to mean I'd *succeeded* in sticking to my boundaries - not that I'd intentionally upset her.  She was going to get upset, no matter what I said or did, if it wasn't in perfect *compliance* with the thoughts in her head that she wouldn't articulate, but expected me to pick out of thin air.   

Your mom may do the same thing, or pull another thing out of her endless arsenal of how to convey she's upset - please, don't fall for any of them, or let them trip you up, especially the dreaded Nice Act - which is exactly what it sounds like - an *act* she can't keep up for very long, before reverting to type.

You've GOT this, Sidney!   

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  I'm still trying to navigate through this.  I live several hours away but like many of you there is an expectation that I call every day and that she knows my location every day.  If I don't, the guilt trips start. 

Part of the guilt trip is the interrogation.  How do you answer the direct questions?  I can only limit the information that I give  to her.  Some things will be known even if I block her on social media and limit all info because my kids school and activities have social media accounts and my friends and my iLs have social media.   

"Why didn't you call me yesterday?  Where were you that you couldn't call?  What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't call me?Exactly what time did you get back from the ... (kid activity) yesterday since you didn't call me?  When did you get back from your ILs house?  Why didn't you call me when you got back?  Your FILs FB said you left yesterday.  How many days were you visiting your friend?   Why didn't you call me as soon as you got back?  I thought the ... (kid event) was over at 8?  Where were you after and why did't you call me?".

I don't want to JADE but don't want to be accused of being "short and snippy" like I was last week.   The questions seem somewhat innocent to outsiders and conversational, but they aren't.  She then tells my dad and other relatives how mean I am if I don't fully and completely answer all of the interrogation.  She'll whine that she just cares so much, I'd interested in my life and I'm sooooooo mean.  I just asked what she did yesterday and she won't tell meeeeee!

In college if I didn't call daily, she threatened to stop paying her portion of my tuition.  I was paying more of it myself with scholarships, loans and 2 part time jobs, but couldn't have made up the less than 1/4 portion she paid.  Once she taunted me that she didn't tell me that an out of town relative died because I didn't call her for a whole weekend in college.  I found out months later. 

[Andeza]

From everything you've written here, your M seems extremely toxic. She doesn't need to know every iota of your business because you are an adult with your own life and your own responsibilities and frankly she ain't one of them.  I'm honestly annoyed on your behalf.

She has zero right to interrogate you. I want you to say that over to yourself enough times until you believe it and you feel it in your bones! Say it out loud, say it to the mirror!  You were busy, that's why you didn't call. Period. What were you busy with? None of her beeswax (I'm not suggesting you say it that way, lol). She reads like a stalker harassing their victim. This level of obsession is unhealthy for her and you both. She's crushing you with her demands and she is incapable of seeing you as anything but an extension of herself. You are not a separate entity to her, that's why she's "all up in your business." Because she believes it is her business. The bad thing about stalkers is that as you shut them out, they start to lose their freaking minds.

If you do not call her, she won't die. If you do not call her what's the worst she can do? Withhold family information? Okay, that's worth peace of mind to me, what about you? Will she give you the silent treatment/treat? Great! Awesome, that means she isn't bugging you nonstop to know every tiny little thing about your life. Which, if she's anything like my mom, she would promptly use as fodder to gossip with everybody else. There go your secrets...

"Why aren't you answering me! I'm your mother!" Somebody call the wahmbulance.

Anything you tell her will be used to guilt trip you. A financial adviser online that I love, Dave Ramsey, would call her "A travel agent for guilt trips." Keep up the hard work and be strong in the face of adversity! We fight the hard fight! For our privacy no less.

[Duck]

Regarding relatives, I decided at a certain point that if my relatives were only my PDF's relatives - that is to say, only loyal to him, only listening to him, only having a relationship with him - then I was Ok letting them go. I had a few honest conversations where I said - I am going to talk to you more openly than in the past. I care about you and hope you will still be able to be my loved one. I want to be able to be real with you.

I learned who is really my loved one and I feel more comfortable in family situations knowing some people know he truth and I'm not just in a PDF-centered charade.