Moving to this board. I think I want to end it soon.

[Blackbird11]

I've detailed everything in my posts. Abuse has calmed down significantly, but ever since I realized my H is uPD I can't unsee so many things, and I'm feeling the weight of the treatment I've endured since our relationship began.

I have been going back and forth in my head about if and when and how I should do this. I am at the point where I don't think I can keep avoiding him and this conversation.

I feel like I'm about to do something wrong and mean and hurtful. He has been super friendly lately and of course when they're nice the confusion and doubt seep in. I would love to believe that he is changing. But my body/mind/spirit can't take it anymore.

Also - this all seems sort of impossible. But so many of you seem to have survived the impossible and come out the other side. I have already notified my T, close family member and friend that this is likely to happen soon. My hope is that he will respond in a calm way - we have talked about divorce in the past and it was calm. If he reacts negatively I am ready to take my child and go to a safe place. Although a part of me feels like he's deeply unhappy too and ultimately blames me for it anyway. Perhaps he will be relieved. And then he can officially go around blaming me as I will be the one to initiate.

[Spygirl]

I remember  being in your spot.

After it went down and i left, my ppdh told me that "i knew you were over it the last year" Really? That would explain why he attempted niceness, especially around others towards me. Of course when.we were alone he was an even worse monster. He made ONE feeble attempt to reconcile and fix himself. It lasted a week. You would think he would have thrown himself into therapy before i left, if he knew.
In my.case, yes i KNOW he was unhappy, had been for several years. I was exhausted emotionally, drained, was not taking care of myself anymore. He sucked me dry. I was of no use to his image anymore, and i didnt give a damn anymore either.

So, in hindsight, i believe that these people accurately.predict the future, because they are working for it. They also want to be the victim in it. So drive you out, while looking good to the the outside world,  to get more attention.

If i could predict, based on my experience, your spouse will be despondant, and then enraged, then accepting, then conniving.difficult, with bursts of hard hoovering and vicious rage.

When he finds a new focus, and he will, most of the pressure will come off you. He will need to look good to everyone outside and a new partner.
I knew when it happened in my.situation, because the calls, texts, ect. Stopped. Just vanished.
That has been the start of my REAL healing.

I wish you the best, it will work out!

[Blackbird11]

Thank you Spygirl. I almost did it today but held back. I know there won't be a "right" moment but I definitely know the wrong moment. I wish I could hold out a year longer continue to get my ducks in a row. I've made some preparations but certainly not enough. And today felt as though I was about to scream "I want a friggin divorce!" from the mountaintops. I dont think I'll be able to wait a full year based on my inability to tolerate his BS at this point, but by the time I saw him after work and had dinner/"normal" discussions with him, I backed down and felt as though I could manage at least another week or two while I continue preparations. I can't help but laugh:  I thought it was turning into a nice evening and even began thinking "am i being unreasonable?"  and then at one point he let me know that he spends a fair amount of time in after dinner he let on that he spends a fair amount of time in therapy complaining about me. Apparently I triggered him by an offhand remark tonight (that had nothing to do with him and was a general comment) and he made sure to let me know he brings up such behavior to his T. It took all of my might to not launch into a speech about how he should be in therapy figuring out why he abuses me not continuously victimizing himself. But it wouldn't make a difference. If anyone reads this send me courage vibes, thank you!

[Poison Ivy]

Sending you courage, Blackbird11.  It took me years from "hmm, maybe we shouldn't be married" to "I'm ready to file for divorce and actually follow through to 'successful' completion" (I filed twice; the first time, for a few reasons, I decided to end the proceeding to "attempt reconciliation").  I was fortunate.  My ex wasn't particularly cooperative but he didn't actively resist. From filing to final hearing was only six months.  I'll confess, though, that those six months were very trying.  Tensions were heightened after filing and before finalization.  Be prepared to be really nice to yourself.  Self-care is important.

[Whiteheron]

Lots of courage being sent your way!

God luck, this is the most difficult step.

Unlike Poison Ivy, I filed over two years ago. stbx had a gf at the time and wanted a divorce even though he wouldn't admit it...I think he just can't let go of me. (as in let go of the idea that he can still control me).

Even so, the most difficult part of the last few years was actually telling my L it was time to file, then informing stbx. But afterwards, I felt such a lightness that I knew I had done the right thing. An enormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

You will never have all of your ducks in a row. I thought I had, but then there were things I hadn't even considered.

I agree with Poison Ivy - self care is really important. Make sure you do nice things for yourself on a regular basis.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you Poison Ivy and Whiteheron. I will try to be kind to myself. Because I'm starting to doubt myself I just went back and read my journal entries from the past two years and it is truly astounding how nasty he really was to me during such a difficult time. I don't think I've ever received a deeply heartfelt apology at all yet. I started to get angry again and actually went in and cleaned out a spare bedroom so it's ready if I need to camp out in there in the near future. And he is turning up the charm this week - you think they know exactly what they're doing?