Daughter Telling Him My Business

[Kat54]

Had a very brief conversation with my daughter this morning. At the end she asked what I was up to today. Just said I had a couple appointments and maybe I would see her later. She asked what appointment and said with my lawyer, end of the conversation.

Had a scheduled meeting my lawyer to respond to my ex's proposal to buy me out of our house. My daughter and her brother are in our house with stbxNPDh. We are currently trying to work out the sale of the house.

So later after my meeting I'm talking to my sister who lives right next door to my house. On a side note, it's been very difficult for her walking this razor thin line with my ex, and keeping a good relationship with him, for the sake of my kids.
My ex had been over to her place for a beer hanging out and talking, he asks my sister if I was planning on stopping inand she said no didn't think so. She hadn't seen or talked to me all day, and with that he says "well she met with her lawyer today so that's where she is" and as my sister said, it was in his nasty tone. It Made her uncomfortable.
So, my thing is my conversation with my daughter who right now lives with her father.

That conversation with me, to her telling her dad was within a few hours.

Guess I can't say anything to my daughter anymore. It was just a meeting and obviously he doesn't know what was talked about.  Still, how would that come up?? Not that I'm expecting loyalty or taking sides but what the heck.

guess she is very loyal to him, more than I thought. Now I know not to say a word to her.

[Spygirl]

Sorry about that,

Imagine the thin line your kid has to walk, as i am sure she is in fog and is living there.

Imo, i would not be too judgemental of her. I am sure she is pressured for information.

I agree its prob best to not mention those things to her, even if she is nosy. She has no need to know.

I am sorry. It makes a difficult situation harder. Things will improve once the divorce is over. Hang in there.

[Jsinjin]

I have found my own kids both fear my spouse and also want the marriage to be fixed all at the same time.   Because of that I keep the discussion about their mother and me in very respectful and parental tones.   I always state that they are not responsible for their mother and me and that I will always be there for them.   I have told a lie of omission that my little house is "for us to go when things get bad at home" but the truth is that I want out of the marriage and don't want to be apart of this now.

If I said that the I know one would share with their mother because their intentions are good to try and "fix things"

I can't speak for your daughter but young and adult kids typically want what they feel is best for their parents.

[notrightinthehead]

I would think of it that way: by not telling your daughter anything, (medium chill, grey rock) keeping the conversation light and superficial, you are protecting her as well as yourself at the same time.  She can no longer be used by your h to find out anything about you.
If you need to tell anyone, tell your diary or your therapist, or a friend who lives in another state, or us. Become as plain and uninteresting as you possibly can. 

[Kat54]

Thanks all. I do know he drills them both for info and they will absolutely oblige him  My daughter does fear him. And yes living there is very tough for both kids. My son leaves for his girlfriends any moment he can. Probably so he doesn't get in the criss hairs of my ex as they have had physical altercations in the past.
I'm not even saying anything to her as she would feel terrible thinking she has hurt or betrayed me.
It's frustrating just the same so I'll remember now to be medium chill, grey rock. I already am but one little slip and look what happens.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hi Kat54,

I am sorry your daughter shared your schedule with your stbx.  As much as it hurts, chalk it up to 'fleas' and maybe a little Stockholm Syndrome?   

The part of your story that struck me was the purposeful way your ex wanted your sister to know that HE knew where you were.   So creepy and calculating. 

Stay strong, 

[Blackbird11]

Everything that everyone above said. I remember being in this situation myself between my uPDm and Dad - although many times nobody was grilling me I just shared info innocently as a way to make conversation. It's so hard. Also - even though my uPDm hasn't been overly kind to me in my life, I always feel the need to be connected to her and loyal to her - even when my logical brain keeps reminding me she is a PD and not kind to me all of the time. Definitely teach them the tools - even if it's not calling it "tools" just strategies that will help them as they grow up to have a more positive relationship with their dad.