“Have you tried marriage counseling”

[mogwaidelegate]

Hello,

I am so grateful to have found this forum. I am going through the excruciating process of separating from my suspected NPD/BPD husband of 5 years. We have two toddler children that he is using to manipulate and control me through every step of the way.

I remember desperately Googling his behaviors and having a sick moment of realization that this was something probably unfixable about 2 years ago, but I was pregnant with our second and thought I just had to dig my heels in and figure out how to cope with staying together because of our kids. I have ANGUISHED over the decision to leave, because I am so worried about the impact on the kids. I’ve been told repeatedly by his friends/family both directly and more back handedly that I am selfish, I am not considering what a broken home will do to our kids, do I *want* some other woman raising my kids ?!! I am prioritizing my happiness over theirs, no one is as good of a dad as their biological dad and any man I bring into their lives in the future will abuse them (oh, the irony).

Any way, the question that actually bothers me the most comes from my friends and acquaintances, “well maybe you should try marriage counseling/therapy before you throw in the towel completely.” I know they mean well, and they probably just don’t know what to say, it’s just this thing you throw out in when someone’s getting divorced. But it grinds my gears because I have tortured myself until I became a sickly little shell of my former self trying to just adapt to his behaviors, become numb, try not to let anything affect me, etc. Trust me when I say I have TRIED and tried some more. How exactly would counseling help with him? I never know how to address this question.

[Boat Babe]

Hiya Mogwaudelegate. God this sounds painful and scary. I'm just sending you a brief message of support to say you are doing the right thing by your kids. I have worked in domestic violence settings and this is NOT something you want to put your kids through. (or yourself obvs). Please reach out for support to your nearest DV agency and be ready for a really rough ride, at first. Don't listen to people who do not have your best interests at heart. In UK law, the witnessing of a patent being abused is counted as abuse in and of itself. Keep that in mind when being pressured. Keep talking to us here.

PS. are you a Mogwai fan?

[Srcyu]

You could throw the question back at them and say, 'How do you think that would help?" Marriage guidance only has a chance of helping if both partners can admit there is a problem and actually want to go. You could just respond with, " Yes I will think about that."

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome

I am so so sorry you are dealing with this situation.

As for the unhelpful advice from these people in your life, that is on them. That's their stuff.

When they are not saying supportive things: that could be because they don't know what to say, but it's not about you. It's on them to learn how to say "I'm sorry you're going through this" and leave it at that. And not judge you or give "advice".

They should be asking "how are you doing today", and "what can I do to help".

Not once have I ever responded to someone who has marital struggles with "you should try counselling" nor have I ever suggested to someone that their decision to divorce is a sign of a failure or "throwing in the towel". Which makes it sound like youre in the wrong.

Really it sounds like you're working to protect yourself and your kids. That's not "throwing in the towel". That's protecting yourself from harm.

Those comments from others,  is all about them. Their own fears. You've stirred something in them that they don't wanna deal with.

Anyone who wants to can learn what to say to support a mum like you in this position, with two little ones.

No one but you can know the road you've already been done to arrive to today. But I know divorce makes a lot of people upset, cause it scares them. Again, nothing to do with you.

Maybe something to reply to them would be "I'm actually just hoping you'll support my decisions, thanks" or "I could really use someone to just hear me right now, and listen". But that really depends on your relationship with them.

Honestly, you deserve support without judgement.

Hope this forum helps.

Trees

[bloomie]

mogwaidelegate - hi and welcome. I can hear the pain in your words and just how difficult this decision is for you. When you say you have tried to the point of becoming a shell of yourself, I believe you. When you say the realization that you are married to someone who has issues that are not fixable is crushing, I believe that too.

You have come to the decision that the atmosphere in your relationship is too toxic for you, and by extension your little ones.

This quote from Esther Company really says it better than I ever could:

An abusers goal to get you so focused on their needs, demands, and desires that it completely chokes out the life inside of you.
Besides being incredibly draining and time consuming, the fog of confusion can completely envelope your purpose, your calling, and even all the little things that bring life and joy to you.
Watering barren places will never bring forth life. Will you be brave and decide to love and pour into yourself the way you have for others? I guarantee the ground is fertile and ready to burst forth with life!

https://esther-company.com

You may be facing those who may have a vested interest in you staying in a marriage even if it is harming you. You may be facing those who, like so many in our culture, prize the marriage over the safety and wellbeing of the individuals in the marriage. You may be facing well meaning ignorance that believes a marriage counselor can solve and fix what is wrong here. But, you are in the marriage and you know best that it is time to remove yourself and your children from the situation and begin to heal and rebuild your lives.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but thankful you have found us. Make good use of the resources at the drop down menu above and join the conversations taking place on the boards.

In case you need them - here is a link to our Emergency Resources

Keep coming back!

[NarcKiddo]

JADE - from the toolbox. Don't justify, argue, defend, explain.

You don't have to do any of those things for anyone who pokes their nose in/makes kindly enquiries/thinks they are being helpful.

"Thanks for your concern," "I hear what you say," "I've considered every aspect," are all responses you could possibly use.

I'm sorry you find yourself here and hope things go well for you.