10 years of confusion!

[Tryingmybest!]

I've been in a relationship with my husband for 30 years. We have two children together, 21 and 17. They are wonderful boys. My husband became obsessed with his knee pain about ten years ago. He's always been a rather obsessive person, I always thought he has Aspergers. Was relatively functioning  up until about ten years ago.  He's had more than ten surgeries by different doctors over the years. He actually forged our doctors signature once to get a referral to a surgeon. He obsesses about his knee pain and other many body pains. He does his own acupuncture, and also does his own self surgery on his knee in his bedroom with scalpel and uses skin glue to close the cuts. because he says the scar tissue has built up. He also has a myriad of other self treatments. His room is pretty shocking to say the least. I tried for many years to get through to him to try to save our life, but he is so convinced of his situation. He accuses me of not being compassionate and being a sociopath. So he lost his job about eight years ago and then refused to find another one, just works on some internet start up project on his own.He rarely leaves his room except to go to his many appointments with Doctors and diagnostic appointments. He has no social life at all. He is also a pretty big conspiracy theorist and spends many hours researching his interests and posting on Twitter.  We lost out beautiful home, several years ago. So sad for me because I was so happy there, and our boys were too. So now my husband is going to different countries to try to get more surgery because he can't get the surgery he wants in Canada. He recently went to Costa Rica, blew 3k and they turned him down too. Now he plans to go to the US. I want to move out on my own now, but have to wait till my son is off to university in the fall. It's been 10 years of trying to save our home and my children's happiness, trying to protect them, without speaking badly about my husband to them as I don't believe in sharing our personal problems with them. I know he says things to them  about me, it's upsetting but I can't stop him. So, I've definitely made up my mind to leave, but I suffer from the guilt and sadness of being made out to be the bad guy in all this. He fully blames me and makes me out to be the cause of all our problems. While I don't agree with him in the least, I suffer with this ongoing bad feeling about myself, and it is a burden.

[bloomie]

Tryingmybest! - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am horrified thinking of your H attempting surgery on his knee himself. That stopped me cold! I cannot imagine the agony of seeing your H deteriorate to this degree. I am just heartsick for you thinking about how this journey must have unfolded for all of you.

You certainly cannot go this alone. I am thankful you have reached out to the community as you prepare move on to a more peaceful way of living after being with someone who sounds like he may have some very serious mental health challenges for 10 years.

You have found a warm and welcoming group of fellow travelers here. I hope you find the tools in the toolbox, resources, conversations and kindness to be a balm to your hurting heart and soul. It certainly seems you have more than tried your best. You have been a warrior fighting for your family and it seems like your H's well being, too.

I would gently suggest that your sons know and see more than you realize and there may come a time when it is appropriate and helpful, wise and honest to talk through the reasons you will be leaving with them. Not to run down or malign their father, but so that they can better understand why you are making the decisions you are. It also opens the door for you to support them as you and their father part ways.

A truly great book I want to suggest is by Lysa TerKheurst and it is called: Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. It is a faith based book and may not be a good fit in that way, but it is filled with a great deal of wisdom when faced with a marriage that is no longer sustainable like it seems you are. Another great option is: When to Walk Away, by Gary Thomas.

We have an entire sub forum dedicated to those who are ending their relationships. Separating and Divorcing We also have conversations taking place all over the forum boards that are insightful and have been a source of validation and help for me unlike anything else. I hope you find that to be true for you as well.

I look forward to supporting you and seeing you out there on the boards!

[SonofThunder]

Hello Tryingmybest,

Another warm welcome here to Out of the FOG.  Im so very sorry you have to live in those conditions, fully understand your desire to leave and let him adult himself.  +1 to all the Bloomie shared.  See you around the boards.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

What you describe sounds a lot like self harm to me. No wonder you feel guilty and responsible. What helped me a lot on my journey Out of the FOG was to tell myself repeatedly, 100 times a day if necessary, I am not responsible for the behaviour of others, I cannot control what they do or don't do, even if what they do is harmful to themselves or others. I can only control what I do and I choose to do what is good for my kids and myself.
Looking forward to supporting you on your path out of this crazy situation.