A little bit about myself

[AlpineEdelweiss]

Hi, I am very new to this site and just wanted to say hello. I resonate with a post that I just read in that I loved my mother but as the youngest of three girls, I was scapegoated. She used to rage at me for no reason, even as an adult and tell me "but you can't do that". I am now at a later stage in my life, having had a career and now working in the creative field. I applied to college and dropped out twice. I have a place this month, as I just want to get qualified and at present I am struggling to believe that I can do it. Even though, I have the necessary qualifications.
Five years ago, after living all of my life in a city, I moved to the countryside, because I just wanted to live a quiet life. I get stressed very easily. I found lockdowns during Covid difficult and depressing and just as we were coming out of them, my sister who had been the golden child, but despite my mothers efforts, we got on, died of a heart attack induced by a vaccine. She lived in the Middle East and my other sister and I were not at the funeral and her partner phoned to give me the news but wouldn't tell me until I was hysterical. He believes I am the underdog and is very controlling. Anyway, for the past couple of years I have just been surviving. Every time I plan to make improvements like college, I doubt myself. Like a comment from a lady on this forum, I am struggling to do gardening, especially as neighbours look onto the garden and are judgmental. When I worked in a Uni, people thought I was confident but it was an act. It got me through every day but I was struggling inside.
My mother died in 2009 but the elder of my two sisters still scapegoats me. I keep her at a distance and I am thinking of ways how to get out of looking after her this Christmas as she does not appreciate anything you do for her and I just want peace. I wasn't always antisocial, because when I had a job in a uni, I had a good social life for a long time and many friends. However, these days I just prefer being with my partner and my cat and I find that people always misunderstand me. I hope this isn't too much information or ranting in any way. I am not holding any grudges towards any members of my family and I forgive easily.
Cheers.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm glad to hear you have a place at college, and I hope it goes well.

I know this is FAR easier said than done, but you could tell your sister that it will not be possible for her to stay with you this Christmas and that you are telling her in good time so she can make alternative arrangements. You do not have to give a reason or make up an excuse. I feel slightly hypocritical writing this, because I would far rather give an excuse that enforce a boundary honestly. Your sister might inform you that you *have* to have her because she is family, but you actually don't. And if she threatens to go as far as cutting you off over it, would that be so bad, even if she did carry out the threat? It must be worth considering, at least.

[bloomie]

AlpineEdelweiss - adding another warm welcome to you. I am really glad you have joined this wonderful community.

You have faced a lot of loss and difficulty and my hope is that you can see how brave it is to move and build for yourself and new life that is what you need and want for yourself. Protecting your peace and the haven that is your home is important boundary work that many of us find ourselves starting with as we come more fully into healing.

I am curious about the wording you use here:

the elder of my two sisters still scapegoats me. I keep her at a distance and I am thinking of ways how to get out of looking after her this Christmas

Why does your sister need looking after? If she is a healthy, able bodied adult it seems she could look after herself at the holidays. Do you want to celebrate with her? And if you do, what amount of time and contact over the holidays would work for you? Just some things to consider.

I am one who returned to college after a break and I get the intimidation and self doubt... the old messages from my FOO that were running through my head. I only know one way to suggest you do it and that is by putting one foot in front of the other until you begin to build confidence and overcome that inner little person who is acting from an understandable fearful place with the qualified, bright, eager adult that you now are.

I want to point you toward a resource that has been really empowering for me lately and that is the work of Patrick Teagan. Here is a link to his Youtube playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1tOAzOD0sB0RTbXVBXeiYm48EIToqR_F

Why I find him helpful is that is advocates from a place of strength and compassion. He is not preachy, long winded, and gets right to it. He is also a person who has experienced much pain and abuse in his own childhood. I think he might be a help to you along with spending time here reading through the toolbox, resources, and many conversations throughout the board.

Take your time and look around, settle in, and when you are ready join the conversations. We are glad you are here!

[Phoenix18]

Protecting your peace and the haven that is your home is important boundary work that many of us find ourselves starting with as we come more fully into healing.

This. I think some of us feel there must be something wrong with us to want this, or feel that we don't have the right to this. And yet it is so important to begin healing. I felt guilty about it until I had people tell me it's not just okay, but normal. So AlpineEdelweiss, enjoy your quiet life without any guilt : )