Rant

[CoffeeCup2]

It's a one step forward, two steps back process isn't it?

Awhile ago I had a major trigger incident. I won't go into details here, but it frightened me very much and reminded me of uNPDx and how he would get when he had the look of sheer rage and anger in his eyes.

I tried to brush it off, I told a few good friends and will be telling my T next week. The aftermath of that also made me rather angry, and let's just say that I've decided to end some friendships over it. TBH, something like this would have never bothered me in the past, but because I saw uNPDx somewhere in this incident, I was shocked, upset, confused, angry, etc.

I still struggle with being startled over noises. Some days are better than others. I struggle with bouts of overthinking, catastrophic thinking and OCD that are a little more intense than other days.

The thought of being intimate with a man makes me shudder. I know I have it in me, and I know I'm capable of being in a loving, kind and caring relationship. It just always makes me think of when uNPDx used to be "intimate" (I use that word loosely here) and basically borderline on sexual assault for his own benefit and needs.

It's going to take awhile. A lot of things are. I suppose it's okay. For the most part I'm enjoying my somewhat reclusive lifestyle just to figure everything out. I have times where I enjoy getting out and doing things and meeting new people, and I will always say yes to those. Then I'll get invited to other things and decline, because I just don't feel as though it will benefit me mentally or emotionally. I'm very picky these days.

Anyways I just wanted to get this out. It's been on my mind for awhile.

[Spygirl]

I had one of those incidents 2 weeks ago. I was down the hall, There was a cello playing solo so clear on the tv, i thought my stbxh was in the living rom!
Big wash of fear, even though i knew it was impossible for him to be there. So, i totally feel you.

I experience a complete disinterest in romance at all as well.  I guess these are normal stages we pass thru after this life experience. I regret that some mutual friends will need to be cut out too. I like some of them, but it would be too easy for my ex to keep tabs on me.

I am making dramatic life changes when my divorce is done. I dont think i can really heal from this until i can remove myself from memory triggers associated with him. Get far away, where nothing about me or my life will bring any interest. This was never a  prob in my dating relationships that ended. This marriage was different.

[CoffeeCup2]

I had one of those incidents 2 weeks ago. I was down the hall, There was a cello playing solo so clear on the tv, i thought my stbxh was in the living rom!
Big wash of fear, even though i knew it was impossible for him to be there. So, i totally feel you.

I experience a complete disinterest in romance at all as well.  I guess these are normal stages we pass thru after this life experience. I regret that some mutual friends will need to be cut out too. I like some of them, but it would be too easy for my ex to keep tabs on me.

I am making dramatic life changes when my divorce is done. I dont think i can really heal from this until i can remove myself from memory triggers associated with him. Get far away, where nothing about me or my life will bring any interest. This was never a  prob in my dating relationships that ended. This marriage was different.

I agree with you when you talk about making drastic changes. I found myself making them, not because I really wanted to, but because they just happened. It's like programming, almost. I restrict myself from going to certain parts of the city for fear of running into him. I find no interest in doing things I used to do alone when I was with him, just to get away from him. For example, I'd go out for dinner alone. That was my two hours of freedom. Now, it's not as euphoric or exciting. It's strange, that's for sure.