Interfering hard to forgive

[Mary]

I'm having a hard time forgiving my in-laws for interfering in a huge disagreement I am having with my uNPDh. He wants me to work more, but I know from 15 hard years of experience that this would only financially enable his unbudgeted spending. Inlaws (PD??) have come down on his side and pointedly sent HIM $1000 to "help out". Of course, the money has been spent in short order. In the mean time, he continues to badger me daily, and is punishing me in ways that are really really hard. I'm sticking to my boundary but my anger towards my inlaws for inflaming things keeps surfacing in my mind.
Mary

[bloomie]

Oh Mary that is a really tough spot you have been put in. Are you in laws aware of your H's financial irresponsibility? I guess what I am asking is if they have been mislead?

[Mary]

They have very much been mislead. He complains to them about not having enough money to go visit them, and uses this argument to keep me from visiting my family too. They even bought the argument that we couldn't afford to go to his grandmother's funeral, even though I had saved enough so we could go.  I sense that they blame me for his choices. I'm having a rough time letting it go.

[bloomie]

Mary that is quite a betrayal and has to really hurt. The injustice of it has to be hard to let go of. I have been the target of blame with my in laws as well as an easy scapegoat when their relationship with my H began to shift and distance. Despite him owning his own stuff with them and speaking clearly about why HE was choosing to distance himself, they still do blame me. So it might not change their attitudes and alliances either way - even if your in laws knew the true situation and why you are holding strong to your boundaries they may still find a way to absolve your H of any responsibility. That is cold comfort I do know that.

In my H's family a "blood" family cannot have a defect of character, be irresponsible, be unhealthy, or be healthy and have a mind of their own, or pull away by choice, so if there is an issue, it is the fault of the partner/spouse so that the optics of the family being superior humans has to stay firmly in place.

An excerpt from an interesting article that describes some common dynamics in a Narcissistic Family Tree:

Image. The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: "We are bigger, better, have no problems, and must put on the face of perfection." Children get the messages: "What would the neighbors think?" "What would the relatives think?" What would our friends think?" These are common fears in the family: "Always put a smile on that pretty little face."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-tree

Sometimes it just comforts to know that we are up against an oftentimes generational disordered way of living and that we are even holding our own and keeping our heads when "all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you" (Kipling) it is important to hold as a light to our path forward. You are doing what you can under extremely difficult circumstances. Your in laws and H may never see it, but you know it. And that is very important.

[Mary]

Wow, thank you. That is very strengthening to read, and to see that someone else understands exactly what's going on. I have been feeling like I'm the one losing it.
Mary

[Spirit in the sky]

Hi Mary,

I understand how upsetting this must be for you. My hubby is financially irresponsible and has received hand outs from his mother in the past. I never understand why she rewarded his bad behaviour with money. Now she is upcasting about how much she has done for 'us'.

She has never done anything for me, nor have I ever asked for a penny, I'd rather go without. I also have noticed how they blame the 'outsider'. My other sister in law I'd always to blame, also NMIL has decided her granddaughters boyfriend is turning her against the family. When really she's just walking up to his manipulative her grandmother is.

Family get to gethers we're also so fake, NMIL pretending everyone loves each other and we have no issues. With here as the centre of attention, she also has an obsession with food and feeling people. Over feeding and if anyone refuses they obviously according to her have an eating disorder!

Sometimes it feels like a minefield and it's never going to make sense, but you are not struggling alone. Holding space for you.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, Mary.  My former father-in-law and my ex-husband did things involving money that distressed me very much.  When we were married, my husband had two long-term (i.e., more than one year) jobs.  He was fired from both and was unemployed for many years between these two jobs, so we had financial problems for much of our 33-year marriage.  A few years after the second firing, my husband went to work for his parents as their caregiver.  He was paid.  I appreciated my husband having the opportunity to make some money but I was told that the arrangement would be temporary and that my husband would be looking for a regular full-time job during his spare time while at his parents' home. 

But there were issues from the start. My father-in-law insisted on paying my husband in cash because, my husband said, his dad wanted to keep the arrangement under the table.  Obviously, this meant I never actually knew how much money my husband had.

Also, and more important, my husband should have been looking for a job that paid more and that provided benefits and that allowed him to spend time with me and our children.  (His parents need assistance around the clock, and they live 150 miles away.) But his dad wanted to spend as little money as possible on caregiving, and the best way to do that was to hire his own son and not pay him very much. He didn't care that this would hurt me and our children (his grandchildren!). 

I've been divorced for three years now and it still pains me to write about this. 

[Mary]

Wow, I'm really sad to hear your story Poison Ivy. My husband also worked for my father-in-law over the years, sometimes paid and sometimes not. They thank him profusely for "putting his life on hold" to help them, when I was the one working full time which allowed my husband to do this. I'm regretting my early decision to be the breadwinner very much because it enabled my husband to work on again off again without bearing the responsibility to provide for the family. So I've set a boundary in this area, and boy is it hard while my husband is getting the message.
Hugs,
Mary