Co worker making snide comments

[Hilltop]

Coworker who I believe is uPD makee snide comments.  Sometimes she will make comments under her breath but loud enough to hear.  The other day we were talking about work and then all of a sudden she was saying how talking about it was all too much drama and she was done.  Then she turned to another co-worker and was telling him in ear shot 'do you feel suffocated, the air is being sucked out of the room'.  There was no argument we were just talking about the details of a job. We were both giving our opinion of the job and our opinions were the same which is why the drama comment was so bizarre. After hearing this comment I was simply done with her.

She is someone who is very negative, think the type who comes in to work every day and says 'is it time to go home yet'.  She likes to do things her own way. She will be nice and then turn.  The day after this she came in and was all overly nice and wanted to chat.  At other times she wants to complain about taking care of her elderly parents.  I use to listen and offer support but lately I have pulled back. 

At the moment I am fed up with PD types.  After going NC with FOO I have very little patience left for any PD.  I have noticed red flags in her since I started there a couple of years ago.  I have decided to give her plenty of space and not engage too much with her.  I have now started grey rocking her.

I guess I just found it strange that she has her opinions but if you try to give your opinion she gets agitated by it. Since going NC with FOO I am trying to focus on what I need to change and opinions are one of them. I decided that I am no longer giving opinions, I will give an opinion about myself or when asked.  I had this epiphany of it just doesn't matter.  Even though we were talking about work I don't think I can be bothered anymore. 

I am thinking I must give her supply in some way.  Has anyone else had someone like this they work with and what has helped you deal with them?

[Srcyu]

If she's making snide comments under her breath, I would quite loudly ask, "what was that?" every time.

A clever trick I've seen used before is to quietly give the annoying person what seems to be your full attention. When they finish speaking, without a word turn your head and speak to someone else nearby. It makes them feel quite foolish.

The "sucking air out of the room" remark could have been responded with an enquiry about whether or not she was feeling okay. The apparent concern for her health could possible embarrass her into future silence.

But yes, keep her out of your private bubble. She doesn't belong there.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Blackcat I'll try those.

She is just so irritating, the other day she randomly played a song for 2 mins which was heavy metal, really loud that had a person screaming "you are my shadow, my shadow".  Then she turned it off.  She is going through assessments at work and is struggling and so it seems she is lashing out or something. I am not involved in her assessments.  I see her as unstable.

I think as I clear out the other PD's from my life that I have little to no patience at all for them. I'm thinking of using my headphones more and only discussing work with her. At the end of the day she isn't a friend, it just seems at the moment while she is more stressed she is more overt.

I am trying to take the positives from it and there have been some teaching moments such as how I am still reacting in certain situations.  I can still get drawn into stuff.  At the heart of it I'm trying not to take it personally but I still struggle with this. It's not just me she does stuff to so there is really no need to take any of it in.  I guess I am still engaging and still taking it all too much onboard. So I will try something else. Thanks for your suggestions.

[Catothecat]

I had the displeasure of working for almost a decade with a narc co-worker, and she displayed those attitudes as well, Hilltop.  How the day was supposed to "go" was determined by her the minute she walked in the door.  And whatever she did was fine, but if you did the exact same thing she had the right to criticize you and you had the obligation to take it.

I once saw a similar technique blackcat mentioned used on her, and it was a beautiful thing to witness.  She inserted herself into a conversation I and another co-worker were having with one of our bosses and naturally re-directed the conversation to herself and her opinions.  We stood and listened and when she finally took a breath, the boss looked at her like what the hell? and turned without a word and walked away.  She was dumbfounded but couldn't say anything more because he was one of the bosses! (duh...).  And naturally, she never again entered into such a casual conversation with him and even started avoiding him, which is how I knew he'd gotten to her (since she never avoided anyone who was a potential source of attention).

So yeah, I agree that attention seems to be their primary goal so you have to find ways to avoid giving it to them.  The irritating thing about these situations is that you're there to do a job, not deal with her crap.  It's like something else has been added to your workload but she'd rather pretend that's not the case.  The whole--it's not me, it's you--mindset.  No, it's her.

Sorry you have to deal with this on your job, Hilltop, but I know what you're going through and how effing stupid it all is, how unnecessary and annoying it can be for no good reason other than it's the way they interact with the world and at the moment you're included in it.  But being aware of the issue really gives you the upper hand. 

[Hilltop]

Thanks Cat, I guess I didn't take much notice as I was so focused on FOO and now that is calmer it is standing out. In saying that the one thing I have come to see is that on some level I care.  Even though she isn't a friend, it bothers me, I take it in rather than simply leave it with her and get on with my work.  These PD's have the ability to fluster me.

I will try some of these tactics.  I just need to think about why I care, why I am giving up my peace.  Headphones are working as well, so that's good. I am also focusing more on the nice people I work with, that helps as well.
Thanks for the suggestions.

[Hilltop]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kARkOdRHaj8

Watched this TED talk and it may help others dealing with difficult people in the workplace.  He says "Their bad behavior shouldn't be the cause of your heart-attack."  I found this a great little catch phrase to use at work.  I tried it yesterday and it worked well for me.  It gave me a room to pause and think about whether the stress is worth it, is it my stuff.  The comments section also had some great tips.

I know this won't last as these types go up and down, one minute they are nice and then they turn, but now I have seen what's going on, I am going to use these other tips so I don't get dragged into it again.  This little catch phrase worked particularly well with me so I hope it works for others to give you that pause when the drama starts to ramp up.

I noticed the behaviour is only bad with certain co-workers, more so when they are all together, and they do this stuff with everyone.  Seeing this more clearly I am giving myself more distance with them, no personal information, polite only, let them talk about themselves, use headphones, don't discuss work or give opinion about work unless I have to.  I also looked at them and really saw that they are only co-workers not my friends, I suppose spending so much time at work together sometimes I feel it blends into friendship territory, so I had to pull myself back and re-establish those boundaries.

Thankfully there are other more normal co-workers, so I can enjoy them and not worry about the rest.  The one good thing to come out of this is I feel I am getting better at dealing with PD behaviour. I am recognising it more easily and adapting more now. Next step is not get drawn in at all. Baby steps.

[Hilltop]

Things are much better at work, not that the behaviour from others will change but when I stepped back and watched, I saw how their behaviour played out with others.  I saw them being rude to others and then smirking when they got a reaction, almost happy, how one would stir things up but then be upset when things were stirred up. It honestly felt like being in a zoo.

Interestingly I ended up getting quite a bit out of the whole thing. I think this was because it wasn't family so no emotional ties there. I saw how people are going to people, do their thing and bump into each other and I have no control over any of it. The only thing I control is how I think about it, my opinion, my reaction. I kind of let go at that point. I realised it's not them I need to watch but myself. 

As long as I am comfortable in my behaviour, I can turn my thoughts away from their nastiness, why take that in, I can still have peace of mind around them.  It's funny I thought going NC from my FOO would free me from this type of behaviour in my life but I won't be free until I free myself.

I finally understood that as long as I am happy within, not one other person can take that from me unless I let them. I have found that phrase "Their bad behavior shouldn't be the cause of your heart-attack" a great reminder to not get drawn into that stress. Then seeing us as humans walking around bumping into each other I am able to feel more compassion. Now each day I practice so I will hopefully change some of those old habits.  I am no longer expecting to go through life with no interactions with PD's or people with fleas anymore but hopefully I will manage those interactions more easily in the future. Hopefully my triggers will lessen as I practice.

[Hilltop]

So the two co-workers being jerks had a holiday and came back to work all smiles and friendly and normal.  It has been a huge reminder that some people take their feelings out on others when they are down or stressed.  I guess just good old fashioned a-holes.

I no longer take them seriously or pay attention to them.  I think having less PD people in my life now means that I have low tolerance for poor behaviour. Guess I'll enjoy the peace and switch off when they take a turn. Big reminder to myself to not take on other people's issues. Hard habit to break.

[Catothecat]

Absolutely when it comes to people like this, all you can ever do is work on yourself and forget about trying to work on them.  They won't change.  They'll probably go through their entire life like this, clueless about what they do and making everything worse.  But their power to cause problems primarily exists because the find others who allow it.  And they are good at finding such victims and co-conspirators because they (the effective ones, that is) have the ability to charm and manipulate, but I don't know how good they are at keeping the game going for a long period of time.  It seems in a work environment most people are self-protective and eventually will take steps to insulate themselves from the toxic behavior. 

I think it's harder for those of us from a toxic FOO because we tend to react emotionally to this behavior, more so than those who don't make a subconscious connection between a co-worker and a family member.  We're already familiar with the behavior because we've seen it in our families and next thing you know, we're giving it equal weight.  For years I dealt with co-workers on a similar emotional level as I would with a family member, maybe understanding but still not accepting that the co-worker wasn't the same as a family member, wasn't someone whose issues I had to take on because they were in my life the same way a family member would be.  That "equal weight" I was giving the situation would make it all that much harder to deal with because I felt like I was dealing with a family situation all over again.  But that was only in my mind, not in reality.

There are way too many people out there who want the power to make you miserable because it makes them feel good about themselves.  In a way, I feel sorry for them because that's a rotten way to go through life.  But like you, I had to make the conscious decision (it isn't instinctual like it seems to be in those from a non-toxic home) that no one, but no one, has a right to make me miserable.

[Hilltop]

That is so true Cats and that conscious decision you made is something I am beginning to get.  I think that I'm so use to the behaviour I react to it instantly, feel it straight away because as you say it's so familiar, I'm use to dancing to that tune.  You are right though it's not reality, it's in the mind, it's habit.  It does feel good to get that and start to release it.