CPTSD will not stop, how do I do this? :(

Jane Doe · May 06, 2024, 01:06:26 PM

Hello people at Out of the FOG. I read here a bunch and am thankful for all the good advice.

I don't know how to take care of this. My BPDnarc birth mother keeps after me and I'm getting triggered several times a month. We moved thousands of miles away when we retired so she couldn't just show up, but I tried being nice and wow it's backfired, maybe it's my fault?

I was dx with c-PTSD last year due to her. My sweet father passed years ago and she is all alone because nobody can stand to be around her. *She puts everyone down and talks bad and negative behind backs and to your face and thinks it's ok. She has a grandchild that helps her out but they don't like her either - she acts entitled even though she has nothing and was living out of her car at one time. She use to be rich but gave it away in a scam overseas because they promised her love and money, lots of money and she believe it - she's in her early 80s.

I have her blocked on my phone, but her calls go into a "blocked file" which seems crazy but it's what Verizon does - so I have a file of her on my phone saying how "I GAVE YOU LIFE!"

And "PLLEEEZZZ call MEEEE" . I don't delete them in case I need to to a police report, I've thought of this before but had deleted a bunch of her crazy guilting messaged.

It's triggering me bad, this happens about 3-4 times a month now.

Any suggestions other than to changed my number? I have doctors and such on this number and really don't want to do this -

Should I send a letter this time? She says she has not idea what she did, and this may be true but I have told her for over 50 years I cannot take the constant control, manipulation, guilt rides, and just lies after lies.

Here is a big part - she tried to take about $200,000. Of my life savings from me and lies about it, has no remorse at all!

How can I "forgive" this? She will toss out a general "well Jane you need to just forgive me" as in it's ok for her to go about doing this!

I'm furious, so bad I'm losing sleep and with each voice message/call sad to say I am hating her that much more. This is not good for me, I'm very sick and my doctor said that stress makes me worse. She is literally killing me and me nor my husband know what to do about it. I do not want to phone her at all because she will lay the guilt trips on and I will say horrible things - right now I cannot stop the hate! Please can someone straighten me out - I'm wanting to be an adult about this and not say things I shouldn't.

Thank you.

moglow · May 06, 2024, 01:29:20 PM

Have you gone through Verizon - tell them you're being harassed and you want them to leave you alone. When I blocked mother "on my phone* it was saved elsewhere and calls went straight to voicemail. I had technical difficulty a while back and had to dump and reinstall Verizon messenger - a bunch of texts from a blocked number popped up. So they're out there in limbo somewhere.

HOWEVER, when I went through Verizon to block a number, I never saw or heard another thing. The other party got something like "we're sorry, we're unable to connect your call at this time." The calls and messages did not connect to my phone AND I couldn't call/message them. It bounced off like a force field.

Just a thought.

Jane Doe · May 06, 2024, 02:16:59 PM

Thank you @Moglow, we had thought we did that a few days ago but it didn't stick. We can go to the Verizon store and have them do it if it's possible with our phone plan.

Good advice.

moglow · May 06, 2024, 03:20:49 PM

I had to pay a little extra for the service, at the time it was hidden under "parental controls." (Oh the irony - I was blocking my mother at the time!)

Fiasco · May 10, 2024, 10:36:05 AM

Hi Jane, you already know this but you are being stalked. One thing that occurs to me, I hope it doesn't sound off topic because I really think it could be helpful, is the section on stalking in a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. You asked if you should send a letter and the answer you will get here and in the book is 100% no. If you tell your stalker to leave you alone after 100 harassments you've just taught them that 100 harassments is the right amount and to keep it up.

Beyond that I know the absolute rage and the feeling that it's killing you all too well. I actually found getting very involved in this forum to be a big help because even BPDm's awful behavior wasn't my fault I didn't really take that to heart until I realized how identical these people with PDs act. It's ALLLLLL about them. I disengaged (somewhat) by becoming like a scientist and observing the very typical PD behaviors she shows. Sometimes at holidays people talk on here about making a PD bingo card, because you know exactly what they're going to pull. It's sad for them.

Good luck with everything! Make yourself a priority because it's the only way to survive this.

Jane Doe · May 10, 2024, 11:31:51 AM

Quote from: Fiasco on May 10, 2024, 10:36:05 AMHi Jane, you already know this but you are being stalked. One thing that occurs to me, I hope it doesn't sound off topic because I really think it could be helpful, is the section on stalking in a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. You asked if you should send a letter and the answer you will get here and in the book is 100% no. If you tell your stalker to leave you alone after 100 harassments you've just taught them that 100 harassments is the right amount and to keep it up.

Beyond that I know the absolute rage and the feeling that it's killing you all too well. I actually found getting very involved in this forum to be a big help because even BPDm's awful behavior wasn't my fault I didn't really take that to heart until I realized how identical these people with PDs act. It's ALLLLLL about them. I disengaged (somewhat) by becoming like a scientist and observing the very typical PD behaviors she shows. Sometimes at holidays people talk on here about making a PD bingo card, because you know exactly what they're going to pull. It's sad for them.

Good luck with everything! Make yourself a priority because it's the only way to survive this.

Thank you, I posted a thread before I saw this but thought this thread was old and lost by now. Good stuff you said. Yes I know I'm being stalked but my heart is too dang soft to be a jerk but she is killing me. My husband wants to tell her off, I really think she's too ignorant and self centered to realize any of what she is doing and I stupidly feel sorry for her.

Gosh I'm an idiot...

treesgrowslowly · May 12, 2024, 07:35:30 AM

Honestly, you probably feel sorry for her for 2 reasons and neither one is that you are an idiot Jane Doe.

1. You have empathy. Its very hard not to feel sorry for people when we know that they are just really lost and we can see the nuance in their situation even though they can't, and even though they have treated us badly. We can still end up feeling empathy for these people.

2. You don't see yourself as a jerk. Which is a good thing. This problem arises for us when we have to do something that goes against our own values and beliefs. Beliefs about how to treat people, beliefs about who we are.

If we see our boundaries with our parents as 'being mean' then it will be hard for us. We don't like being mean, we know we are not mean, and we're not happy about having to do things that go against what we believe.

We want people to behave themselves, so that we don't have to resort to treating them like a 5 year old who needs a time out during a playdate. It can feel really "off" to have to treat a grown adult like they are a child, even though the situation kinda calls for it. Then you add that this is your own parent, someone you hoped would at minimum behave themselves, and truly love us too much to enact their insane PD behaviors on us. Having to put that person in time-out is hard for a lot of us. It's inherently confusing for us to have to do this with our own parent. You're not a jerk or an idiot. You're dealing with someone whose mental health issues have probably overwhelmed her for years, and she's not doing anything about her problems, and how they cause problems for you. You're having to put an 80 year old in time out and that is not something most people ever want to do or hope to have to do. No one is good at it - those of us who have to do it just do our best because this stuff was never supposed to happen in the first place.

80 years should not need time outs but PDs are by definition, disordered. They need time outs, their entire life. Unless they go get help and treatment for their PD, which rarely happens apparently.

When we have these sorts of parents, we have to see ourselves very clearly. We're not being jerks or idiots. To quote Dr. Ramani's new book title "Its not you". You're not a jerk or an idiot.

Trees

SaintBlackSheep · May 12, 2024, 07:18:35 PM

Reading that part about how this toxic relationship is "killing you" really resonates with me. Last year, after 3 years of dealing with an ever-worsening narc mom with emerging dementia, I developed terrifying heart problems. I had tons of tests, tons of bills, and came away with not a lot of answers. I am middle aged and have two youngish kids who need me, yet I felt like I was about to drop dead any minute. The cardiologist suggested I buy an Apple Watch, which has an ECG reader on it, and I installed some other apps to monitor my heart rate and alert me and my husband if it gets too high or low.
Well, lo and behold, the watch only ever beeped with a high and erratic heart beat when I was dealing with my mom!!
YOU ARE NOT WRONG! SHE IS KILLING YOU!! This beeping watch was the catalyst I really needed to see, in real time, the major toll this toxic relationship was taking on my health. There is no way I'd let this woman who's treated me like garbage my entire life rob me of my time left on this earth. I distanced myself big time, reduced the stress levels in my life, and my heart issues have gone away.
Do yourself a favor and do whatever it takes for it to really sink in that your life is precious and worth protecting from any further harm. I know, easier said than done. But we were raised to feed into their drama. It's so so hard to stop paying attention to it. It feels so wrong to ignore all the flying monkeys, because that's how they raised us. Personally, I sit with the "wrong" feeling, and reflect on how messed up it is that choosing health, joy, PEACE, and LIFE was made to feel WRONG to us by these disordered people. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right!

Jane Doe · May 13, 2024, 04:41:26 PM

Thank you Trees and Saint Black Sheep, you both helped me a lot. I still feel hateful, but that is just because I think my heart is bigger than my brain lol.

This will pass, I just have to keep my mind elsewhere.

Saint Black Sheep that is wild about your ECG going off when you got triggered by your mom (if I'm understanding it correctly). I know I'm better without mine in my life. That is so sad to even say it when it's still true, but it's still sad. I wish my grandma was still alive, she raised me a good bit of my life and she was so sweet and good. I miss her so much.