Sending the letter and going NC

[TrueRefuge]

Hi everyone,

It's my first post here but I've been lurking a while!

I've finally decided to send my uNParent a letter detailing my anger towards them for their behaviour during my childhood. I am telling them that I'm going NC temporarily while I focus on myself, do therapy etc. I am so looking forward to being free of the obligation to call, visit etc, but I know it's also going to be hard.

I'm going to send the email tonight... I have been working up to this for years. I don't know how they'll respond: things have been on an even keel for years, but this is the first time I've ever really confronted them and I am going in! I think my insistence for NC alone would be accepted with indifference and perhaps some martydom; but once they read the full letter there's the potential for rage and blame and invalidation, because they certainly have never shown any capacity for self-reflection or taking accountability for their actions.

I wanted to start a post to say hello, and invite some support from people who know what this feels like, and share the inevitable ups and downs. I'm lucky to be working with a fantastic therapist who supports my decision, but sometimes that week between sessions feels real long!

TrueRefuge

[all4peace]

Welcome, TrueRefuge!

I'm glad to know you're working with a therapist who supports you fully. That can be a huge source of support. And I remember the days when 7 days between sessions seemed way too long

I've done what you're about to do. With my parents, I was hitting a point in therapy in which the worst and ugliest stuff was bubbling up, and the thought of making small talk with my parents at a sporting event while internally processing the abuse of childhood was unthinkable. I requested 3 months NC, which turned into longer, and we really didn't recover from there.

But, I did recover, as I had complete silence in which to do the heavy trauma processing I needed to do, without interference or interruption. It was a long tough winter and it was the final valley before starting to climb back up the mountain again.

I'm happy to share what you think might be helpful, or simply listen to more of your story if you wish to share. Each of our journeys are different, and yet there are often so many similarities.

I'm glad you've found us, and sorry you need to. Best wishes!

[moglow]

Sending you all the very best as you begin this journey! Having times of NC can truly help clarify the situation in ways you can't when caught in the maelstrom PD can create.

I do have one small caveat - if you've not sent it yet, I'd suggest removing any mention of therapy. I say this because you may not want to give them any future ammunition, and frankky it's none of her business.


Mine would take that and run with it, claiming all manner of deficiencies on my part, throwing it back in my face with a vengeance, and yes, repeatedly and emphatically insist that I'm out of my mind. She's blamed all and sundry every time I've stood up for myself and done what I needed, never yet looking to herself and how "all this" truly came about. I've lived to regret it every time I've made myself vulnerable to her - factual and detached have been my only saving graces on my way to acceptance.

We're here with you, standing by your side. Welcome 

[all4peace]

I agree with moglow and wasn't clear enough--you certainly don't owe your parents any details you don't want to share.

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi TrueRefuge!

I did a similar thing not long ago. Sent my reply to my uPDmom's email and told her I couldn't talk to her for a while. That time of NC was glorious and empowering, I felt strong for the first time ever. I thought about her and our blow up constantly but eventually thoughts of her receded and it was wonderful. The guilt got to me and after she managed to get around a phone block by using another person's phone, I talked to her.

We are vLC now and she can't help but pull out all her usual waif, tears, guilt and more. I shut her down the last time I saw her and told her I will not talk about the event that caused NC again. I was very forceful and could feel the fire in my eyes when she brought it up with tears threatening to spill    You should have seen the look on her face! I rarely do that, I was so angry that she told me she didn't know whyyyy we had this blow up. Just a cautionary note, I listed out everything I thought of her belittling and moaning about me and my foc. She had the nerve to say I never told her the reasons why I stopped talking to her. I've read this is a thing that others have experienced with their PD people. You tell them in a letter, on paper, in no uncertain terms and they still say they just don't understand and you never told them the reason. Really strange phenomenon.

I agree with reconsidering adding the therapy part. Whatever you write will most likely be thrown in your face or spread around as gossip. They don't deserve to know too much about you.

Best wishes and enjoy the NC. Glad you're here with us, vent whenever you need to!

[TrueRefuge]

Thank you everyone! Your replies are so welcoming and supportive - thank you thank you thank you!

Moglow, thanks for that feedback - I haven't sent it yet and I have gone through and removed references to therapy. It would probably be very easy for them to write it all off as a mental breakdown and therefore completely invalid! PS I went through your profile and just wanted to say sorry to read about the current situation with your brother. I hope it resolves itself as best as it possibly can.

all4peace and SunnyMeadow - your experiences are really reassuring to read and I love that you both felt strong and like you could heal using that time apart. That is what I'm hoping for and just feel I need to finally do this for me. I am trying to take a detached observer role in this, and see how it affects my day-to-day anxiety and whatnot. And I hope it will be a great step in my healing to have the strength and self-esteem to finally say "No, those things you have done are totally unacceptable." I don't see how I will ever build my sense of self-worth if I don't ever say that to the person who needs to hear it.

all4peace, how long have you been NC now? Do you still feel generally more at peace?

I'm sure I'll be back online tomorrow when the fall-out has hit the fan... In the meantime, thanks again so much for your support and friendly welcomes and I hope I'll see you all around on other threads too

[all4peace]

Truerefuge, I asked for 3 months and didn't see them for a total of 6+. For me, I did feel the need for VLC and eventually facing my fears again, but those months NC were necessary for me and sent a message to the whole family that I was serious.

We're now basically at weddings and funerals level of contact.

[Starboard Song]

...there's the potential for rage and blame and invalidation, because they certainly have never shown any capacity for self-reflection or taking accountability for their actions.

My wife and I did this. Our crisis began almost exactly four years ago. Remember in the Christmas Story, when the kid bypassed "double-dog dare" and went straight to "triple dog dare"? My MIL bypassed the Silent Treat and went straight to "no longer want to interact with you other than to see our grandson." After a 6-month battle we acquiesced and declared NC, to include our DS.

You are doing so much right! You have a therapist. You are being clear and direct, and including that this is a limited-time NC, to help them accept it better and not explode.

I hope you also have something you didn't mention: a FOC to work with on this. You have this great online community, and it helps, believe me. But you also need a real-live friend who knows you and your history, to provide you confidence and safety.

One other angle is worth mentioning. They will not react well, and shouldn't be expected to. If you are asking for a time-limited NC, you presumably hope to restore some version of contact in the future. Doing so will require that you separate your justifiable hurt and scars from the current frustration. Try to express yourself clearly but kindly. Try to be above the fray: telling them facts about what you need and are doing, but not justifying it constantly: no JADE.

Remember to take care of yourself. Your goal -- I suspect -- is to overcome the damage they've inflicted and to be better than they have been. Think of that goal throughout, because going NC -- even temporarily -- is hard. So do the positive things you need to do to keep your heart soft, for all the great, loving people in your world.

So much good strength to you.

[TrueRefuge]

all4peace, I hope VLC is working for you as much as it possibly can.

Starboard Song, thank you so much for your thoughts! I do have a great FOC - no children (by choice) but a fantastic partner who knows everything about me and supports me whatever I choose to do, and is there to pick me up when things fall apart, as they inevitably do

I'm not surprised to hear MIL forced your hand - one of the most frustrating things about the whole PD parent thing is how you (the good person) ends up looking like the bad guy to anyone who's not intimately involved with the full history. That FOG is thick and they know it... How are you and your wife faring after 4 years?

I'm choosing temporary NC for a couple of reasons. 1) because the therapy I'm doing is pretty deep (schema therapy for anyone interested) and this is built on the idea of the therapist "reparenting" your inner child, with the aim of building up those skills in the client eventually. So I feel I need to step away from my existing parental relationship so as not to confuse matters. And I really trust my therapist who has created such a safe space for me, full of warmth and compassion and acceptance. 2) Because I've never confronted my parent until now, and things have been on the surface fine for a few years, I feel like Schrödinger's cat: am I alive (NParent isn't a terrible person) or am I dead (they are and I just haven't had a reminder in a while). It's driving me a little mad to be honest, making me doubt the past even though I know it's all true. I need to know what reality I'm living in and the only way to do that is to expose my reality and test what the reaction is... I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else! 3) I actually am not committed to an outcome either way - if after 6 months of intense therapy and NC I still don't feel "healed" (or at least on the way) or I still feel I want NC for a longer amount of time, I can make that decision then. I don't want to go NC forever if I don't have to, but I know that I at least need it for now.

It's all so complicated and I guess ultimately I just want to heal those wounds, as you say, and I have tried so much in the past and I just can't carry this around anymore. I'm equal parts excited for the relief I will feel, and petrified of the consequences. But that's ok. I've been petrified most of my life

[TrueRefuge]

I've sent it. I paused over the "Send" button for  10 minutes. I hate the idea of upsetting anybody; I also hate the fact I'm even in this position in the first place. But I remembered my therapist's reactions to the stories I've told and how awful my NParent has been to me in the past - and reminded myself that I'm doing this for me and I'm the only person who can look after my little inner child now, and she does deserve protection and needs someone to stand up for her.

Blah. What a feeling of adrenaline release  I'll update you all when I have news.

Warm wishes to you all,

TrueRefuge

[all4peace]

The waiting can be hard. I hope you're able to focus on good things and good people and let the universe react as it will, including your parents. Strength and peace to you.

I've recommended this a zillion times now on the forum, but when I used to face existential dread that was hard to cope with, I would sometimes use something called tapping (EFT). You sound pretty solid and calm, but just in case (and if it wouldn't interfere with your schema therapy), here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tul6U4D9CRg

[TrueRefuge]

all4peace, thanks so much for that - I have not tried tapping before, might have a go at this later.

I've had a reply: NParent is shocked, and will not reply at the moment as they are too upset. Will respond properly in a few days.

I am now overcome with self-doubt that it's all been in my head, that I've built it all up, that I expect too much, even though I know for a fact all that stuff happened and the letter is completely honest. I think from here it will all depend on whether their upset turns to rage or self-pity, or, heaven forbid, a hint of empathy... And of course how my next few months of therapy goes.

All I do know is that I will be doing a lot of mindfulness for the next few days!

Thank you all again for your support

TrueRefuge

[all4peace]

You've got this! You have what sounds like a great therapist, and the support of this forum. Healing ahead!

[moglow]

Of course she's shocked! You have probably stepped out of your assigned role and someone did this to her! I'm assuming you didn't ask for or need her response - you told her you're stepping back and doing what you need for yourself. I'm guessing she'll run the gamut of emotions, and hoping she doesn't dump it all on you - but understand that anything could happen.

Keep reminding yourself - Her response isnt the goal here. Your letter wasn't about starting that conversation, it was you speaking what you'd hidden all these years. What she thinks or how she feels about it isn't your stuff. This is *your* choice, your life, your stuff to work through. You might want to consider an email filter that any/all from her is moved to a folder, marked "read" so you don't notice it's there until you're ready to actually read it.

If you've chosen NC, even for a while, use it well. Don't be goaded into repeat performances of the past. Don't pop off a response based on hers, try to step away from the keyboard and continue to do what you need for as long as you need. Maybe journal or write a few Unsent Letters instead - you know, get it out without anyone's interference.

This is the best time to change the trajectory and find your own direction. When/if you resume contact "later" you really do get to decide what you're comfortable with and go with that. You can think through and establish whatever boundaries are best for you, and decide how to enforce them. It doesn't have to be a war but may be a huge adjustment for you. If you're like many of us, the mere thought that we *need* boundaries is a daunting thought! Just remember, you've been using boundaries every day with every relationship, without even thinking about it. She's really no different in that respect - you're just leveling the playing field.

We're here with you!

[TrueRefuge]

Thank you all4peace - healing ahead! I do feel like I've woken up in a different world today - a world where NParent knows all the things I feel about their parenting failures. I thought I would go to my grave with that information. So I feel a bit like I'm having an out-of-body experience. But I know it is for the best and needed to be said, for me, even if they see it as a hateful attack on their soul.

Moglow, thank you for such an in-depth reply!  You're right, they will be feeling all the emotions under the sun but actually all I've done is hold a mirror up and say "This is how I've felt since I was 6 years old." I know they will dispute it all/claim they don't remember, which will just be super infuriating but at least I will know what I am working with. Someone else has said to me "It's interesting there's been no "I'm sorry you've felt the need to have to write this letter, I understand your needs right now". No, they are incapable of that and I doubt their reply in a few days will be any different.

I told NParent if our relationship is to move forwards after my 6 months NC, I will need them to have a conversation with me about the contents of the letter, because I am worth more than the ways they've treated me and refuse to have anyone in my life who thinks differently. I am their child for Christ's sake. I shouldn't have to be explaining this! It also goes to show how easily they can just white-wash the past and they probably think these incidents are completely meaningless... That to them our relationship was absolutely sound. Laughable.

But, regardless of their reply, you're right - I will not be getting into an argument, or JADEing; I won't be replying to them, whatever they say next. I will use my time in therapy and free of obligation to work on myself and heal, which is the most important thing to me now.

What annoys me most is images keep flashing in my mind of how upset they must be, how they're reacting today, and that hurts me because I know what that hurt feels like.... I want to go and soothe their pain and take it all back. It's so twisted, considering they have hardly ever shown themselves capable of soothing my emotional pain when I've needed it.

[SunnyMeadow]

What annoys me most is images keep flashing in my mind of how upset they must be, how they're reacting today, and that hurts me because I know what that hurt feels like.... I want to go and soothe their pain and take it all back. It's so twisted, considering they have hardly ever shown themselves capable of soothing my emotional pain when I've needed it.

I understand. It doesn't feel right to stand up to a parent. I sent myself into weird mind places over the years dealing with my mother. But you are a fully grown person who gets to decide how to live your life and you've decide not to put up with poor treatment.

You are a caring person and worried about how they will feel after reading your letter. Sad that our PD parents have never been worried about how their insults, silent treatment and mean games have made us feel.

Expect all kinds of denial, blame shifting and other horribly mean things to be written. I blocked email and phone after sending my reply. I could NOT have dealt with my uPDmom's quivering, waify, BS reply so I blocked. They don't change, they don't take responsibility because they are always RIGHT.

Deep breathing and being glad that you're protecting yourself from crap treatment is enough for today! I'm very proud of you and know how hard it is! 

[TrueRefuge]

Thank you so much SunnyMeadow - I appreciate the support (and the hug )

[Fuzzydog]

TrueRefuge, good on you for standing up and recognizing what you needed to do!
I did this 4+ years ago, without the support of my therapist (made it very hard) and...crickets chirping. Nothing from NM. On the one hand, I am relieved, but it was very hard for other reasons. It's hard not to second guess your decision if it's not being reinforced by continuing bad behavior on their part. Also, as much as we need this, it would be nice to think that we are worth fighting for.
If they don't respond at all, even after what one would think of as a normal Silent Treatment interval, realize that that, in itself, is a form of response.
I would recommend that you not be wedded to the idea of talking to them about this in six months, or a year, or ever. It might happen, but you also might rethink if you even want to.

Sending you all the good thoughts, this stuff is really hard and you are brave to take action.

[TrueRefuge]

Thanks so much Fuzzydog (great name by the way!)

So are you now NC with your NM (if you don't mind me asking)? Or did you get to a place where you felt you've said your piece, she knows how you feel, and if she's happy to pretend all is normal then fair enough?

I agree, it's those conflicting feelings of "I am not expecting anything good to come of this" to "I am your child, how can it have come to this?". And then the circle of self-doubt, guilt, grief, blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, I've felt rubbish about our relationship for ages, and I still feel rubbish about it now, so nothing has got worse and at least I've said what I needed to say. It's early days though. And yes, as you say I'm trying not to commit to anything, but felt 6 months is a fair amount of time to work on myself and gain some clarity (which I definitely don't have right now). Things are complicated as my sibling is getting married next year, so I wanted ideally to work towards some closure before then, while still giving myself a good amount of space to heal.
I think what happens next will depend on a) how my therapy and healing goes and b) how NParent responds - but those things could both go off in many directions, so I'm not committed to a particular outcome right now.

It's so great to have a community of people who understand, I'm so very grateful for this space.

[TrueRefuge]

Thought I'd share a quick update, 36 hours in...

NParent emailed yesterday evening to ask "why now? Who or what has instigated this? We've had all these nice times recently and your sending this email seems very mixed up." I didn't see that till this morning.

This morning they messaged my DP saying we couldn't now all be at a big family event happening next year "due to my horrendous email" so expected us to do the right thing and pull out (it's not their event by the way so no right to invite or disinvite anybody).

I wouldn't have replied if it weren't for the threat to sabotage said event, but I replied saying I don't think it's necessary for anyone to pull out of the event, we are all capable of being civil. And that although I appreciate this has come as a shock, it is simply the right time for me to express my feelings. And that I'd be back in touch next year.

They have responded with the usual and expected response: we definitely can't all be at the event so if me and my DP don't pull out, the organiser (relative) will need to be involved (to choose between us I presume). That they have already spoken to another relative about this (the triangulation starts). And of course, the accusation of selfishness: That their only observation to my letter is that it's all about me, and "something I may want to think about" is that what I decide is right for me might not be what's right for them (threat to withdraw their love if I don't get back into line?). Which is astounding since actually the letter was all about them and their behaviour, not me at all! Ha!

Sooooo 

I will not be replying to this last email by the way - that's for sure.

I actually feel relieved: because things have been fine for years (as I suppressed all my anger) I fooled myself that maybe they aren't that bad, they were stressed, that I was making things up or blowing out of proportion. I know now that's not the case: they are disordered and have no ability to empathise or acknowledge my feelings at all - let alone care about how I feel. So now I can actually start grieving the parent I have never had, knowing that I have not been making it up.