My stupidity - or the more things change the more they stay the same

Cat of the Canals · July 02, 2021, 01:17:53 PM

Quote from: moglow on July 02, 2021, 06:47:00 AM
I fail to see the purpose to any of it, unless one is that into slamming doors and locking others out. If it all goes back to abandonment issues, isn't this just creating that very scenario, get them before they can get her??

I've wondered about this myself. I think there are two reasons they do it.
1. If they treat you so poorly that you should leave (and anyone who isn't trauma bonded or a caregiver type probably WOULD), when you stay it makes them feel special and loved. "I treat her like trash, and she just comes back for more. I've GOT her good."
2. If they treat you poorly and you leave... then you're just proving that they are the worthless person they've always known they were, deep down. Now they get to play the waif. "Nobody loves me. Everybody leaves me. I'll be alone forever. Poor me."

It's obvious how they get resources from #1. Getting resources from #2 is more twisted, but it's clear that plenty of PDs get SOMETHING out of wallowing in their self-pity. I think they often start in the "I'm a terrible person and no one loves me" place but then progress to "Everyone is so cruel. The world is against me, and it's not fair."

Fortuna · July 05, 2021, 11:01:23 AM

I think she managed to rope you into her orbit again. You know you sent the texts, but now you are reaching out, inviting her to talk again when the only thing she's done is be catty about not getting something you know you sent. You are not responsible for her lack of tech savvy/not getting messages you sent. If your time NC was good, consider returning. (Toward the end with my mom I would only talk in text or email because there was proof right there and she had a much harder time being abusive while still looking good in print. Phone calls with my mom started being a hard no. Find what works for you, even if it doesn't work for her.)

moglow · July 13, 2021, 10:36:18 AM

Quote from: Starboard SongThe challenge is to make this not only a moment of decision, but also really and truly a moment of internal peace. You deserve peace -- and need it -- far more than you need clarity about M's intentions or state of mind. Please be prepared for a good deal of processing time.

Yeah, about that ... The processor is on overdrive today it seems. I woke up feeling blue, really blue. No reason, no contact from her, nothing triggered that I can recall. Just a deep sadness that we are where we are.

I started ruminating over things mother said that last phone call and the bitter biting way she said them, and one thing shines through: Jealousy. It seems like somehow she expected that I would feel more for and continue to cater to her regardless of the way I'd been treated all my life, and she resents my relationships with others. Not that it takes away from her but that it's separate, between me and them. She assumes those relationships are still somehow about or involving her.

My finally pulling away hasn't hurt mother so much as made her angry - or maybe that's her expression of hurt? Based on her comments it seems she's angry that her expectations weren't met. It honestly doesn't seem to occur to her that relationships take two, that both have to contribute in a positive way or the negative erodes everything. It feels like she had this image in her mind [maybe based on her family and other people she knew?], that things would be a certain way by osmosis. She talked about her relationship with this or that person, as if mine were one and the same AND that I should therefore be the same way with her. I'm supposed to like or not, based solely on her relationship with them? Again, no recognition that she and I are where we are because of the way she's treated me my whole life. It's not this or that isolated incident, but a freefall of straws and the camel couldn't take it anymore.

Just processing today. And I'm sad.

Starboard Song · July 13, 2021, 12:42:32 PM

Quote from: moglow on July 13, 2021, 10:36:18 AM
My finally pulling away hasn't hurt mother so much as made her angry - or maybe that's her expression of hurt?

That statement wins the big teddy bear.

I truly believe the apparent anger or meanness we see is injured tiger anger: which is hurt. I believe it is a defensive strategy from people who always feel attacked and injured. There are people who never ever feel socially safe. For such a person, the slightest discord is an affront. I think many of them fee they are being told they aren't loved or aren't good enough all the time. It makes me terribly sad for them. But it doesn't confuse me as to how I should best respond, for instance, to my MIL. If someone is temporarily confused, and we can persuade them by explanation, we sure should. But if someone is terminally confused and beyond persuasion, we ought not waste our time.

I spent at least 6 hours this busy weekend ruminating on my FIL, walking through a scenario where he calls me to say she is in very poor health and wants to see us all before she dies. I wasted way too much of my soul on this scenario that is never ever going to happen. I know why I did it, too. I am stressed at work. In this rumination scenario, I am right, and righteous. I am strong, and bold. That is, frankly, an addicting little fantasy world for me, and it can be easier than my real one. I share that for this reason: you do need to process, and that does take time. But, importantly, you do need to process, and that suggests an end date. So, for your own health, you need to be thinking -- as the days roll by -- am I about done? How soon do I wean myself from this? Am I still making progress?

I guess I am saying this: do it better than I have. Take your time, but only take so much. Have a goal. That goal should be a time in the future when we none of us retreat back to the ruminations and heartache.

Be ever so kind to yourself, moglow. You deserve it.

moglow · July 13, 2021, 01:04:57 PM

QuoteI truly believe the apparent anger or meanness we see is injured tiger anger: which is hurt. I believe it is a defensive strategy from people who always feel attacked and injured. There are people who never ever feel socially safe. For such a person, the slightest discord is an affront. I think many of them fee they are being told they aren't loved or aren't good enough all the time. It makes me terribly sad for them.

Yes - and at this point I believe they [mother and your ILs in particular] feel this way because they themselves are continually and knowingly attacking and injuring others, which promotes more of the same feeling within. It's a sick relentless circle they've chosen to live and it is terribly sad, for everyone.

The explanations you speak of - I've tried, over and over, to no avail. Without fail, I've been cut off mid-sentence, ridiculed and mocked, or she's gone full on rage rather than hearing me out. Mother doesn't want explanations that involve anything other than how she herself sees me and the world. I don't know how many times she's snarled "answer me!" when failing to ask an actual question that anyone could possibly answer, yet refused to listen to anything I said after. It's a mocking demand rather than any actual quest for clarity, and everything I say can and will be held against me in her court. Terminal confusion indeed!

The ruminations are painful and have no end zone in and of themselves. I suspect mother does a lot of that herself, but if I could actually crawl up in there and listen I would imagine it's much more harsh and angry than I have ever been. I've kind of flat-lined on emotion lately, and that's honestly never a good sign for me.

Thanks for your words, for helping me find my way.

lightworld · July 17, 2021, 02:03:47 PM

It's heartbreaking to realise there is no connection, no love, but it's a healthy realization. As you know so well, when we decide we've had enough we have doubts and feel sadness, fear and anger, plus we ask the inevitable question why do they do it?

I don't believe there is an answer to that question and we can torture ourselves for years trying to figure it out.
Ultimately this is a waste of our precious time and energy.

I'm so pleased you are finding your way out of this awful relationship and I wish you the very best. You truly deserve to be free to live your chosen life without hassle after what you've suffered with your Mother.

moglow · August 25, 2021, 10:05:41 AM

Revisiting this thread today - I'm having a blue day and trying to slog my way through rereading all your helpful words, the insight from other struggling souls. I realize I'm grieving, and it's sure not easy some days. Today I'd just rather be mad all over again. That seemed easier somehow, it felt productive getting all that poison out and moving it away from me.

As time passes with this silence, the lesson here is driven home: I don't matter to my own mother. Not just me, but no one matters to her unless they serve her purposes in some way. So it's truly not personal. That's comforting on one hand and on the other ...wow.

Just reaching out a hand from my darkness today. This too shall pass, right?

Starboard Song · August 25, 2021, 10:46:17 AM

Quote from: moglow on August 25, 2021, 10:05:41 AM
Just reaching out a hand from my darkness today. This too shall pass, right?

** squeezes hand **

You will pass through and forward and emerge. The reality of who your mother is and what she is capable of is essentially fixed, and is highly unlikely to change. But you are not fixed. You learn, you heal, you improve. And you reach your hand out, even in darkness, to touch all the folks here on these boards whom you've been helping so much for so long.

I am not the only one who can say thank you to Mo. So pause to realize that your world is -- or can be -- comprised almost entirely of people who reliably care for and love you, or those who know you less but engage appropriately. This doesn't make the failed casting process for the role of Mother any less painful, but it may help put it into a perspective that tends towards healing.

Be good. Be strong.

Boat Babe · August 25, 2021, 03:45:18 PM

moglow · September 01, 2021, 06:03:19 PM

Fyi - I received a vmsg from her a couple days ago, telling me that she's nervous and depressed and has been receiving too many spam calls on her home phone, going to have it disconnected. Ended aling the lines of: "Do whatever you want about your cell phone. I just thought you should know." Um okay. You've not called. Just to call or ask how I am or even that you miss hearing from me. No. Throwing down another of her gauntlets just like she's done before. It's your phone do what you want, just like I've said for years. Maybe she'll actually do it this time.

Starboard Song · September 02, 2021, 07:10:36 AM

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Mom's Circus Mom's Monkeys || Mo's Peace

moglow · September 02, 2021, 08:14:40 AM

Right?! It really doesn't occur to her, she's not called with anything resembling pleasant in ... I honestly don't remember how long now. Why she thinks that has changed is beyond me. She just trying to stir a pot, see what she can get going. It's just her being her, throwing out bait hoping someone will bite. She can keep the poisoned apple.

blacksheep7 · September 02, 2021, 08:38:34 AM

Wow moglow. It is heartbreaking indeed having a no-connection with M.

Hope you are feeling better.

Sending you a hug and some

moglow · September 06, 2021, 01:16:03 PM

Well, she did it - mother disconnected her home phone. She hadn't answered or returned any of my last several call, just that VM that she was having home phone disconnected. I have to admit its still something of a gut punch, knowing she cut off her one means of contact to me. I mean she'd pushed and pushed for years now, unmistakable lack of interest. But damn.

Boat Babe · September 06, 2021, 03:32:07 PM

Damn indeed Moglow.

I imagine her on her own, being well pleased with her little trick, using this last, utterly self-defeating ploy to gain another hit of supply from hurting you, one more time. Tragic and grotesque behaviour in equal measures.

Have you tried any Mindful Self Compassion meditations at all? I find them instantly comforting and very "doable" as the process makes complete sense, it is very simple and quick too. Sending hugs

moglow · September 13, 2021, 01:03:52 PM

Thx boat babe. Trying to work through it all as you can imagine. Baby steps all over the place. Ive been sick and that's not helped, not that she was ever a source of comfort but when you're already beat down it doesn't take much to shove you into a bad /worse place.
Appreciate the hugs, needed em.