Closing the door

[moglow]

Over the past several days I wrote a brief note to md, shutting down the ugliness between her and me. I apologized for some things I said that were frankly rude and derogatory to her. I told her honestly, I had pushed those "conversations" thinking to somehow air the grievances and resentments and find a way to put them behind us finally. I admitted how wrong I was, that those conversations only served to stir up old pain that was better left alone. Basically: I have to find peace and forgiveness and I intend to continue to work on that, hoping she will do the same for herself.

In no way did I indicate I welcome or would be making any future contact, but neither did I tell her outright that her phone has been blocked. She can read whatever she wants into my words. That's all on her, as it should be finally. Not my stuff anymore. When I put that card in the mail, I felt a hard knot I've been carrying between my shoulders relax. I came on home and lay down for a peaceful nap finally.

For all the times she's said "she loves her children," I don't get it. Nothing in her actions or tone says love to me. Honestly if that is love I don't want it. At this point I'm not sure I have any idea what love it, I'm just sure that's not it. Those are the words she uses to make things appear all rosy on the surface maybe - they sound good to outsiders who never see behind the curtain.

[Amadahy]

I'm very glad you've felt relief from mailing that card.  The only time I felt "heard" was when I mailed a similar card to Nmom and cut contact (for a while).  I understand about telling others she loves you -- that's the only way I ever heard it, too.  It was as intimate as my Nmom dared let herself get, but it was all for show, as well.  It's weird, isn't it?  Like you're on the outside looking in as they talk about how much they love you.  It was enough to keep me tethered to her for years and years.  I think your message, the way you presented it and the relief you feel are all good for you and I'm proud of you! 

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds good. Congratulations! Sounds like you are freeing yourself from her claws. What is your plan for getting her out of your mind?

[SunnyMeadow]

Good that you're taking care of yourself and doing what you feel is best. I'm glad your shoulder tension eased up when you mailed the note.

[moglow]

I thought long and hard about sending that note, Sunny, questioned whether it was the right thing to do. I knew I owed her an apology for some things I said our last conversation and there's no way I was going to call her and again open that door. Taking the time to write and edit the note until I said what I needed to say and no more, helped me center myself, be clear and feel better about it. Whether she hears me or turns it again into some attack is all on her. She'd long since made it clear she wasn't interested in my thoughts or feelings, but in staying focused on that there's no attack or condemnation of her. I've done enough of that and it doesn't help me lay things to rest.

Notright, Ive started EMDR therapy and hoping to densensitize all the ugly stuff in there along with erasing her voice. The ruminations and interior conversations [all those things I was never allowed to voice] are hard and have been wearing me down pretty badly. Writing out the best/worst memories actually helped already in releasing some of it. I had a really hard few days just after but that has eased where I'm thinking more clearly, finding the happy again, resting better.

Amadahy, the "I love my children" has become repetitive, said exactly that way every time and spoken by rote. It's like she's saying what she thinks she's supposed to say, with none of the feeling. It's typically accompanied by something along the lines of "...but I don't love what they do." There's no such thing as unconditional love, where one is loved and accepted warts, differences and all. She always seems to have a need to add that "but" at the end to quantify what she's saying. What it does is negate everything but she feels all justified in it so all is well.

[Happypants]

Moglow, that sounds like a massive leap you've made. I sometimes wonder if admitting to ourselves our part in the dynamics is key to moving on and understanding that you don't have to be perfect to be genuinely loved. I'm so glad you felt a shift after mailing that note x

[bloomie]

Moglow - staying true to yourself in this is admirable and not unexpected given your kind and loving heart and ability to reflect. Trusting the relief and release will continue to build and envelop you in an atmosphere of peace that is unshakable.

[Liketheducks]

Moglow - Good for you!    My mom also tells everyone that she loves me - the cognitive dissonance is crazy with her.   I did EDMR for 6 months.   It was a godsend.....but also VERY difficult at the time.   I liken it to emotional chemotherapy.    It makes you feel awful while killing the cancer.   I noticed that 2-3 days after a session, I would simply lose my sh+t.    I would have nightmares, worse anxiety or depression.....and then it would dissipate.    Be very, very kind to yourself while you go down this path.  It is SO worth it, but it stirs up a lot of pain in the process.   

[moglow]

Thank you for that, 'ducks. That makes sense, considering what I've experienced so far - a couple of hard mental dips have made me wonder if i can do this. I've thought of it as ripping off scabs to expose and truly heal old wounds, chemotherapy is every bit as apt if not more so. I'll try to keep that in mind - i can already see i may require reinforcements as I go along!

[Liketheducks]

A good practitioner of EMDR will spend time with you before delving in.   They'll want to be sure you have skills and resources to self sooth and self regulate.   And, they'll watch you and keep you from re-traumatizing.   SO worth it!

[moglow]

I expected to dive off in it and wondered at the slow pace so far, I'm sure she's watching and spacing it out intentionally. I've been pretty raw, not sleeping or eating well, teetering on/off depression on several levels. Things stirred up pretty hard again just with the best/worst list and we talked about that. We've got a break for a few weeks due to mutual scheduling, so that's probably actually a good thing. Recovery time, as it were.

I'd told her I wanted to write mother an apology note. She was in complete agreement, that regardless of md's interpretation I'm offering a sincere and necessary apology. If I didn't, I'd just keep beating myself up and keep it stirred up within me. What md chooses to do with it is truly not my stuff - I'm hoping she'll just accept and carry on. But this is mommie dearest and I know she's not likely to change her spots at this point. It is what it is.

It's a better day, calm and accepting instead of edgy and angry. So there's that. Progress!

[makingachange]

I'm glad you wrote this note, and I hope that it did make you feel some better!  It is upsetting at times/ when it happens over and over where you feel like you are never heard.

I personally had tried to explain how I feel through text messages with my mother and father...but, they just never saw what I was saying or cared to see it either.

I hope that you continue to find yourself...give yourself as long as you need...I feel like you are on the right path!  =)  I am only 9 months NC, quite new still, but, I just want you to know that we all support you here...

Sometimes we have to do things that are uncomfortable for our own good...I know I've had to do that...and I feel like although it feels weird...it sometimes just has to be done for health/sanity of ourselves.

Ahh...I completely know what you mean when you say the "love" thing....As a child I always had to say..."I love you" to my parents to hear them tell me they love me back...I don't feel like they ever did this out of their own will...but something I had to push out of them.

They love to say this kind of thing around other people who have no clue about their skeletons in the closet...it is annoying! 

[Hilltop]

Moglow I hope EMDR continues to be of help.  It sounds tough at the moment and I'm glad you have some time for healing in between.  If sending an apology letter is something you need to do, then it's great that your therapist is positive regarding that.  I think if we have something we need to say, it's better for it to be said.  Then you can move on and leave it with her.  Then it's really up to her to respond in her own way.  Then it's up to her to self reflect and come back to you, whether that's in a genuine manner or not is really  up to her.  However hopefully you see you have done everything you possibly could to connect.  In your heart you can move forward knowing there wasn't anything more you could have done.  We need two people to make a relationship work and if she isn't able to put in the effort needed, then there isn't anything more you can do. 

You are moving forward in a loving way and that is something to be proud of.

[bee well]

Hey Moglow,

IMHO those are huge steps! It is very heavy emotional work you are doing so I'm glad you are not in a rush, will have some time in between to process. That you are able to offer an apology is a sign of great maturity. They will take it in whatever way they will--that's to be seen, but you are doing this for yourself and that's what's important.

There were a few homework assignments like the ones you described in Pete Walker's PTSD book. I found that they stirred up a lot of emotions and I put them aside. your post reminds me, perhaps it's time to go back and take another look,

I second what Hilltop says:
"You are moving forward in a loving way and that is something to be proud of."

Take care and be kind to yourself.

[moglow]

I sometimes wonder if admitting to ourselves our part in the dynamics is key to moving on and understanding that you don't have to be perfect to be genuinely loved.

This has been a continuing theme for me for as far back as I can remember - I play and replay conversations and where did I go wrong and what should I have said if anything. Mainly that's what's driven me to therapy now, I can't keep doing this to myself. BUT it's definitely different now - I'm looking at what I really said/did in and of itself, without her twist on it. Even with the emotions involved, I know for the most part I still watched my words and how I said them, tried to be a voice of reason. Until I didn't at times, when my frustration overwhelmed me.

But the last part, being/feeling genuinely loved? It's not there, I have no idea what that's like with her. Whatever passes for love in md's mind isn't being communicated [or maybe it is...], it feels like just another buzzword. For her "love" appears to be total compliance and agreement with her every word and deed. Simple as it sounds on the surface to just roll with that and why didn't I just to keep the appearance of peace, the fact remains that for every inch where there was no reaction, she'd grasp a mile or two and go harder. I DID just roll with it and keep my mouth shut no matter how I was treated for many years, just to keep the peace.

So this morning's light bulb moment for me: Mother was insistent that "our problems" go back to this or that very specific instance and point in time [completely disregarding the way she'd *always* treated and talked to me, but I digress]. The two she primarily focused on were well into my adulthood and almost ten years apart - but which one is it?? I'm in agreement that things absolutely tanked between us, probably closer to the first of the two she kept flinging in my face. But not for the variety of reasons she voiced to me.

I started speaking up, plain and simple. She'd say things to me and I'd responded, asked her to not say certain things and make it clear they weren't okay. I said No in a variety of ways as politely and calmly as I knew, and that's just not allowed in her mind. No one is/was ever allowed to contradict her, correct her, "talk back" with anything in which she was in disagreement - not since she was a child. She liked and wanted it that way, remaining the bully who was never called on her stuff. Her whole family had tiptoed around her throughout her life and until they left this world, and no one else does. She resents that, deeply. When you don't roll over, it's a hard insult to her.

I stepped up *for ME*, not against her or anyone else! She saw what should have been normal with someone voicing, hey that's not okay and I wish you wouldn't do that, as me attacking her [her specific word to others: attack]. Me saying things were hurtful and made me feel less than or unwanted? She saw/heard attack, then full on mocked me some more. I responded to the mocking, pointing it out as exactly what was hurtful - more of the same. Over and over again for decades now. And now I'm accused of causing her health issues because God forbid she accept any responsibility for herself.

Interesting what a dab of distance will do for a person, isn't it. I mean, I knew, have known for ages and yet this is still different for me. Its a calm acceptance, not emotional or irrational reactions to it finally.

[Hilltop]

I would say things probably tanked because you didn't do what the rest of the family did, which was to put up with her behaviour quietly.  They could probably do this because they weren't around her so much.  Perhaps they thought it was rude to speak up, perhaps they didn't want the rages who knows but she got away with it for most of her life without being held accountable.  She is simply upset she can't continue on as she always has.  There is simply no self reflection there.

She was able to see and hear when you have said something hurtful however she seems to think she is excused for the same behaviours. She simply wants others to go along to get along, to her it's an inconvenience for you to have spoken up.  Is that why she is so angry, she simply wants compliance to continue to be as nasty as she likes without having any discomfort sent her way.  She is unwilling to change, it is up to everyone else to do that.

That's the part of these PD's I really don't understand.  They do seem to understand what they are doing, they feel entitled to act that way but they seem so angry when others are upset.

Even if this happened 10 years ago your MD has not made any effort to try to get along.  If you didn't want to discuss something then why keep pushing on that topic, why push harder.  It's easy to point the finger as she has and claim she feels attacked but in 10 years she couldn't find any ways to change her behaviours to get along.  That's on her.  Speaking up for yourself, saying something is hurtful is not attacking, it's communication.  Mocking is attacking.

I agree that being able to see our own role is helpful.  Ultimately seeing where I went wrong also led me to seeing myself as human.  I was not intentionally hurtful, cruel, I did not insult however I can see how at times my reactions/behaviours may have been frustrating.  I can also see why I had those reactions.  What Happypants wrote is so true, we don't have to be perfect to be loved.  It's interesting to me that these family members who they themselves have flaws, look past those flaws but shine a spotlight on ours.  They demand some sort of perfection from us.  I have often felt worthless because they have ridiculed me and mocked me but not now.  Now I see in a more balanced way, I see everyone in the group has flaws, are imperfect and that really is ok.  I think by admitting my role in the dynamics was part of my way out, I was then able to think about how I wanted to react and be.  Being what I wanted in an authentic manner, in line with my own values and morals means that whatever path I take with my parents is ok because I am not acting out of hatred or anger but in self protection and in a way that benefits my self esteem.  Interestingly I am now more open with my genuine friends, I have removed the last couple of toxic acquaintances, I don't hide my failures, I don't whine about failures but I accept I'll have some wins and losses.  For far too long I felt I had to show an image of perfection otherwise I would be mocked and laughed at.  It is refreshing to be honest and open with caring friends and not have to put on that fake front.  Now I couldn't care less if my parents laugh at my failures.  I see that as their flaws, it says everything about them, not me.  I am finally starting to accept myself, flaws and all.

So yeah a dab of distance can be a wonderful thing, it can be very healing.

[moglow]

New and not so new:

Over the weekend I had a somewhat unexpected romp down memory lane - I was looking for an old email and came across quite a few others in a hidden folder I'd forgotten. Some had screenshots of text conversations with md, others were between me and a few close friends as they talked me off the ledge.

Y'all. We knew this but damn Ive been hard headed! Some incidents I'd completely forgotten, others have clearly been brought up repeatedly even since then, with her demanding "answers" that just don't exist, situations not of my making or even involving me that I somehow fix for her. She wondered why I didn't call, rarely visited. No consideration whatsoever that I had things going on in my own life. No recognition that the way she talked to me wasn't conducive to any kind of decent relationship.

There were repeated attempts to set aside time for us to actually sit down and talk, with her excuses of why "now isn't a good time." There never was, clearly.  She just wanted to attack and seemed to like having a convenient target. It all reminded me why I blocked her cell phone originally, with the hit and run texting then refusing to actually talk with me. I'd unblocked her because she kept pounding away at the blocked cell phone, and within months she fell right off into the same old garbage.

All that initiated another search - there were several cards from her around the same time frame where she'd text then leave voicemails, not return or respond to mine but sent a series of notecards instead. Those cards ranged from full on spite to "all is bright and bubbly" to accusations with no conceivable context. They were all dated and within just a few days of each other, no rhyme or reason as to what triggered the jumps in mood but they also stopped rather abruptly. [My brother had suggested in an email that I hold on to them because clearly she's not stable if she's flipping moods like that for no apparent reason!]

I deleted all those emails then emptied my trash folder so there's nothing to go back through again! BUT it's not painful. I'm not reeling from reading all that, more just disappointed in myself. So much of the damage was preventable if I'd been able to step back and away, and stay there.

[notrightinthehead]

You are doing it now. You deserve some credit for that. Put up a note to self somewhere you see it daily, that reminds  you to "step back and away, and stay there."

[moglow]

You're right, better now than not ever. This mode of thinking is what eventually sucked me back in - I really don't like it, that it comes down to no contact because there's just no reason and it's not safe on any level.  It's hard for me to grasp that there really is no redeeming good to it - I'm not an all or nothing person!
***
One of my emails to my brother was right after md was claiming elder abuse against him. He'd told me of an incident where she got all wound up and slapped him, then attempted to hit him with an umbrella etc. Her version was very watered down, but she did slip up and admit she'd hit him then he shoved her away from him and left. She was focused on her supposedly having bruises and someone had taken pictures of them [oddly enough, she never shared those pictures with any of her family but had shared with others?].

People were threatening to report my brother "if anything else happens" but I'm to this day not very clear what occurred in the first place. It sounded like her old methods of working herself up into a mad then lashing out at whoever is closest, that time someone happened to be right there for it. My email to him was a warning to not be alone with her - she can't be trusted to tell the truth and not paint herself as a victim of an attack even when SHE was in fact the attacker. I think it was around that time I actually stopped visiting her, he and I would later take her to lunch every great once in a while but that's it.

I don't and can't trust her. I know this, and it's sad.

[bloomie]

Moglow - all so heartbreaking to think of you and your brother, siblings, going through this all of these years. I am here. Reading, Cheering you on and so grateful for how you have taken the ashes of this and used it to grow strong and to help all of us and I am sure so many who surround you and love you in your life.