Spoke to mother for first time in 5 1/2 years and here’s how it went

[Mintstripes]

But ... it's been five years. They've have no relationship with her. The whole idea of "grandparent's rights" sound all cool in the big picture, but reality: You separated from them for good reason. Your JOB is to protect your child from harm. Stands to reason if you remove yourself, your child is part and parcel of that removal. Just for kicks and giggles, I'd research grandparent's rights in your state, see if they exist at all. It's not a given but many like to hold that out there as some holy grail.

When my older brother had a daughter he was very clear with me that she was never to go to mommie dearest without me there. He didn't trust md to treat her any differently than she had me. We traveled as a pair or it didn't happen. Turned out md didn't really show interest or put forth much effort anyway, but we had a plan nonetheless. We had a responsibility to that child, first and foremost, md assumptions be damned.

Oh, I inquired about GPR years ago (asked my divorce lawyer actually). They really don't have a leg to stand on since there's no precedent, plus they live in another country.

It's interesting that your brother recognized that md was not a safe person to be around unsupervised. It was good that you had a plan. I bet if my GC brother had kids he'd be the first to serve them up on a silver platter. We're NC, but thankfully I think he's staunchly childfree.

[olivegirl]

Thank you MintStripes for the update.

My prolific lying uBpd mother and arrogant uNpd father have apologized profusely several times!

"We did not know better"
"Made a mistake"
"We love you, oops, so sorry"
"You are the best daughter"
"If we knew then what we know now, it be different."

I allowed faux apologies to let them back in for years!

They figured out that all they had to do is say words and then it was wipe the slate clean, rug sweep.

They lack empathy. 
They feel entitled. 
They are consumed with their image. 
They control bc they want to dominate us.

So as someone who has heard the "apology," they think that it puts the responsibility on us.

"I apologized 1000 times!  What more do you want?  Let it go!  Grow up!  Stop holding onto grudges!  You are not perfect either!"

The only real source of comfort for me is my immense gratitude that I am nothing like my toxic parents. 

[overitall]

Olive,

Do we have the same parents?  Seriously, I have heard every one of these excuses...at this point, I have ZERO hope for them. except at this point I don't have any guilt.  I gave them another chance and they blew it...

Just before I resumed NC uBPDm and uNPDf were having a bit of a row with my uPDsis who is struggling...Yes, sis does have problems, but literally 100% of said problems were caused by my parents....gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation, shaming, etc..you name it, they did it.  She has been attempting to get them to take ownership and has been met with a wall of denial ..."We NEVER said that"  "We NEVER did that"  "We don't have any idea where you got that idea from"  The bottom line is, they did everything to her that she claims they did...and more.   

To watch the complete denial is fascinating, yet I also witnessed a complete decline in all cognitive abilities.  uBPDm endlessly speaks about a family member who died, saying she "lost her best friend"  Said family member could not stand my mother, yet politely sidestepped her.  She tells anyone and everyone how close they were?  My uBPDm and uNPDf no longer have any ability to distinguish between right and wrong.  They have been in denial for so long that they actually believe their lies.

The one thing that has never wavered if their devotion to GC oldest sibling who now is "too busy" to visit (even though retired)  They still defend her and endlessly speak of how wonderful she is.  She has been and still is waiting for them to die to collect her inheritance

For me, I don't regret resuming the contact because it freed me...I no longer have any guilt whatsoever...I gave them another chance and they did not change anything at all...this time, my kids are all well into adulthood and witnessed my parents in their full display of denial.  I do not have to explain anything to anyone anymore---I am done and honestly, no one at this point has any doubts as to why.

The only last bit of karma will be if GC dies before them, because  NO ONE else will deal with them..

[lkdrymom]

I am considering if/how to reply next time mother inevitably texts this burner number. If any of you have ideas, I'd be happy to hear them. I'm thinking something along the lines of an emotionless "I am not ready to resume a relationship at this point". Thoughts?

I would change the word READY to INTERESTED.  "ready" implies that you will want to have a connection in the near future.

[mary_poppins]

Mintstripes, I am glad this went so well. Glorious is a great word. Thank you for sharing and for giving a view of how such a transaction can end on a positive note.   

You mention "Isn't it curious how we can change (become more confident, evolve, thrive in our lives) yet the PD parents stay exactly the same, not having learned a damn thing despite the passing of time?"  I reflect on the same each time I have any contact with my parents. They so quickly resort back to the same decades old phrases, guilting, and projections as though it is hard-coded programming.

That's what I realized, too. I went from NC to C and saw that no one had any positive growth whatsoever. It's as if their bodies wrinkled and changed but their minds stayed at a 8-9 year old's level. Very immature, lacking any boundaries and communication skills. It baffles me how can they live among others without knowing how to act in a socially acceptable manner.

And Mint stripes, way to go for handling your first contact after NC well. It sounds like you have grown a lot and don't take things personally when it comes to your family. PDs are lost souls, it's not like they could change if they want to-they can't change. I think their brain stopped growing at the moment of their specific trauma and are now stuck in this un-emotional level, with no empathy, warmth and positive feelings for no one (including the self).