"See them before they die" hoover

[Call Me Cordelia]

According to MIL her parents are doing poorly (not unexpected, they are pretty old and this is not news). MIL has been using that line for ten years with regard to her mother, wishful thinking in my opinion. So now DH wants to go visit them before they die. It's a rather long plane ride away, so I would have to know about this trip.

Just that bit of attachment to them has me feeling threatened. I mean, I didn't really believe that he would be NC just because I am, and I don't want to manipulate my DH, but the truth is I just don't trust him. I don't trust anyone who thinks these are people worth spending time with. I wouldn't mind just Grandma so much, she has severe dementia. But Grandpa is a flaming narc if ever there was one. I gave myself permission to avoid him long before I came Out of the FOG. He's also SUPER enmeshed with MIL. Anything he hears it's safe to assume so will MIL. But DH loves him because he was a fun grandpa. Which I'm sure he was, especially compared to DH's hot-and-cold ignoring and engulfing uPDF. There have been incidences that show that DH just doesn't notice a TON of "off" stuff with regard to his family, even after all that's happened to drive me into NC. And I feel like if he sees these people, my boundaries, particularly around our FOC, (absolute NC for me and kids, no information about us passed on) will be on shakier ground. DH still doesn't feel those "should" be necessary, so it's only the wife card and DH's loyalty to me over them holding them in place. But underneath his commitment to us DH still wants to belong with his FOO. Which means nothing less than doing what they want, in true PD style.

That distrust may not be entirely fair, since he has backed me up on a LOT of my boundaries and has done fairly well deflecting attempts to get to kids especially. I'm in a triggered state, and I don't like this. He wants to go into enemy territory. I liked things much better when he was getting the months-long silent treatment, but I guess I knew it wouldn't last. MIL is up to something again. There was not even an actual event to bring on this hoover, like a stroke or anything. Just general decline, which he admits is not news. Which I believe she communicated when it served her to do so, and DH immediately took the bait as programmed. DH thinks I'm paranoid. Well, hello, reflexive dismissal, validating my distrust. 

I'm clear-headed enough to know I can't try to forbid a grown man from seeing them, but I'm tempted to waif out on this one. How do I honor my feelings and DH's here? How do I be an adult? I feel about fourteen and my crush just got the romantic lead in the spring play opposite his cheerleader ex-girlfriend or something. Which I know doesn't make much sense but since when has PTSD been rational in the here and now? What Leonor wrote on another thread about both of us being in a PTSD state right now is helpful. But now what?

[Leonor]

Hi Cordelia,

That's really good for you to allow the awareness that you're in a PTSD place right now.

When you're in that place, you are less able to care for others. That includes H, who has already been triggered by his FOO. That's really low, btw, using the family member his boyhood self remembers as the fun (safe) person to manipulate him.

But again you're not in a place to rescue him. I think a lot of PTSD for helpers like us is to flash back to a time when we were little and were told, "Save Mommy" or "Save Papa." It's so cruel. Because it's impossible and they know it.

What would you say to the little girl being forced to witness something horrible and being told to save everyone ... or else?

Swoop right in, scoop her up in a big warm hug, tell her everything is ok because grownup you is here, and ask what she would like to do, something special just for her?

That is the most healing thing you can do. If she says "But Mama says blah blah blah" or "H says blah blah blah", you say, "I know and I understand you feel afraid. But they are grownups and will be okay. Right now, I'm here for *you*."

Gentleness!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. Yes, I go nuts inside when I see that DH is likely to get hurt. I definitely had to be a "good girl" as a child to keep Daddy from blowing up, or accept crappy stuff to keep Gran and Gramps happy. Now that I'm not doing that for the ILs or DH, he has to deal with the fallout in his own way. Which can be a train wreck at times.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I just put together that the people I was protecting were other bystanders. I was protecting my mom and sisters from my dad, and my mom and dad from my grandparents. Here I'm mostly worrying about keeping myself and the kids safe, even though this is really between DH and his FOO at this point. I'm not willing to stand in the crossfire anymore. Except maybe for my kids.