Rough day/Cyber Bullying - How do you deal with it?

[goldtracedcloud]

Hi, formerly "Counteract" here.  Hope I'm posting on the right board.  It's been awhile since I've posted, but kind of having a day.  I recently thought it might be a good idea to join an online forum for one of my favorite hobbies to help distract from holiday stress and other things.  Then I discovered another forum dedicated entirely to making fun of unsuspecting victims/members of the original hobby forum.  Just a little scrolling and I found they had reposted something of mine.  My post was taken out of context (a given).  It was meant to be funny and they were making fun of it as if it were serious...but the main thing that bothered me was the violation of having something shared/reposted that I had written and shared without my knowledge or consent. 

I wrestled for a bit with whether or not I should bother confronting this post.  I actually found some of their comments funny and would not have minded if some of the same jokes were made on my original post & I don't think that who people are on the internet is always the same as who they are in person (maybe I give too much benefit of the doubt).  But long story short, since it made me uncomfortable, I did decide to confront it.  First I decided to make a fairly light joke to call it out, but not an ounce of what was dished out could be taken (shocker, I know).  The person who originally stole and reposted my post then when on to gaslight, "why you so upset, this is all just fun and game blah blah blah" and so I decided to call it out more directly.  I'll admit that after the fact, I felt inspired to troll the trolls and call out 2 more posts that were making fun of others.  One was a repost of someone's beautiful and creative artwork & if I could have found the original artist, I would have let them know so they could file copyright report at their own discretion (just my own personal values).  I think another thing that got to me was that so many of these bullies that were stealing posts and making fun of them were also involved in support communities/forums with similar themes and subjects to this one (yikes).

There was a time years ago when I let family bullying on the internet shut me down completely.  So today I wanted to try to face this kind of behavior more head on. On the other hand apart of me also wanted to and still wants to be done with the internet forever and ever lol.  I don't feel bad about speaking the truth, and I can't deny being slightly amused at the predictable responses, but I also don't love the stress of those encounters.  In a way, I feel kind of proud of myself for standing up for myself in ways I don't normally do with strangers or people who are close to me. But I also feel like it was probably a real waste of time and energy to engage with such people except for the chance others with more empathy and reason would happen to see what I wrote and think twice about what they are doing (or that someone else in agreement with me would feel validated/appreciate what was said).  It was something it didn't feel 100% right to respond to or ignore.

I am going to try to go do or focus on some happier things now, but I still wanted to ask for anyone who cares to share - what have you done or would you have done in a similar situation? Would it have been better for me to ignore? Thanks to anyone who reads & responds. 

[goldtracedcloud]

Update: I decided to leave the toxic forum.  I don't have the resources to get anything removed, and I just have to look at it as a crappy learning experience and try to navigate it better in the future if I ever do. I know there are some things I could have done to make myself less of a target to the trolls (I had a poorly chosen name, for one example, but didn't think it'd be an issue on what seemed like a benign hobby forum).  After a few tears and deep breaths, I think I wish I had not attempted to interact with anyone except for the bully who originally reposted my post...because for sure it always does (& it did) invite more abuse and misunderstanding. 

Thanks again to anyone who reads this & any thoughts still welcome. 

[Leonor]

Hi goldtrace, welcome back!

There was so much talk, when the internet became a thing, that we were all going to enter into an age of sharing and compassion, because we would all have access to this wonderful platform where everyone was anonymous, equal, and free to communicate and be themselves.

And of course we see that while maybe this is true in some cases, like here!, the internet has allowed people to be even more aggressive and critical, and hide behind their anonymity in order to be mean to one another.

It just amplifies what we already are, good, bad and indifferent.

So if you find a good space, enjoy it. And if it's not a good space, move on.

Most spaces are populated by very few people, and if a space is mean or hurtful, it's usually just one or two loudmouths. So even though it can feel like the world is against you, or that no one accepts you, or that no place is safe, or sharing who you are is just not worth it, consider that these are emotional triggers reminding you of a time when you were not accepted or rejected or shamed, and turn to yourself to heal that: "Hm, I'm really upset by a comment someone calling themselves Anon5673 posted about something I put on the internet. What is really bothering me? When did I first feel this way? How old was I? Who was there? What did I really need in that moment?"

Then turn off your computer and give yourself exactly that.

And tell the online meanies to pound sand and ditch the space. Resist the temptation to engage with them more, or argue or prove your case, or investigate how many other mean people are out there, or are there more spaces where people put what you love down. That is trauma reenactment: you're just punishing yourself for sharing something of yourself: "See? Mom always said you were ugly / Dad always called you stupid / Sister always told her friends you were a loser ... Let's find people we don't even know or can't even see or even be sure they are real people and not bots to prove them right, you ugly stupid loser!"

How is that helpful or healing? Hint: not at all!

And look for a community around your hobby where people really are accepting and kind. They exist! And they are full of real people who are nice and enjoy your hobby and are probably a little nervous or shy just like you, and it would mean a lot to have someone as nice and genuine as you join them and be part of their community.

And I don't know what your name was, but I'm sure it was perfect and your posts lovely and the nice people who were on that forum probably left because they realized it was no longer fun without you.

[goldtracedcloud]

Thanks, Leonor, you're right.  It was triggering for a variety of reasons.  One of the things that upset me the most is that they were making fun of learning beginners of the hobby in vicious ways (it's always vicious to me to take a photo/post and repost without someone's knowledge or consent).   

It reminded me of experiences at a church I was once involved in where if I brought friends that dressed or looked outwardly "emo" everyone would be so kind and welcoming to them.  But the one time I brought an average looking blonde friend, no one would speak to her.  I was so embarrassed & couldn't understand why people would want to drive anyone away from something they claimed enjoy or love so much.  And it was also really upsetting to see someone judged entirely on their appearance.  Same with this hobby community - why are you being so mean to beginners when you love this hobby so much?  & While it's kind of funny to compare it to religion, it is similar in the way that a lot of people turn to such hobbies to deal and cope with their grief.  So yes, it hit a nerve and a huge pet peeve. 

& It is true that any kind of bullying is reminiscent of a whole host of deeper experiences I've had or witnessed.  There are times of witnessing others being hurt or abused and not being able to do anything about it that have stuck with me just as much if not more than times I've been hurt.  I have to acknowledge things I've been through, drop the wish that I could be impervious and take a little more care to either quickly block trolls or find healthier spaces. 

I really like your insight that internet tends to amplify what we are.  Thanks for your understanding response & reminders to try not feed the negative thoughts or anxieties!