Need second opinion on this co-worker's behavior

[Kovera]

Hello all;
I've just gotten in a bit of a tangle with a co-worker. Since my emotions are fresh, I know that making decisions or coming to conclusions would be unwise when feelings are on adrenaline. I was hoping to get a second opinion on this person.

At work today, I went out to my car during break to grab something out of my car and I noticed someone's car was backed into mine. Not a huge backup, but noticeably enough to be a concern for me. When I rushed in asking who's blue SUV was outside, my co-worker (the receptionist at our place) immediately jumps up and rushes out trying to move before I take pictures. She then keeps saying it was my fault because I was parked over the line. Now I will admit, yes I was in fact over the line with my bumper, I wasn't denying that. However, I don't see how this makes reason for her to back into my car and leave it like that the whole morning, several hours her rear end car shoved into mine. She says she didn't see my car, and heavily insists several times that her bumper was "resting" on my car, that she did not hit it, only tapped it. As someone who likes to be safe, I said we should exchange insurance info. I was not intending to make a claim unless my car showed signs of problems. She then became aggressive. She kept avoiding doing exchanging information, responding with "I'll get it to you later." She then comes into my office saying she will only give me the insurance info if I forward her the pictures, so she can send them to her lawyer to prove I was "over the parking line." She kept emphasizing this, heavily implying that it was my fault. It seriously bothers me that she is taking no responsibility for her part in it. I was just trying to do basic responsibility on part of both drivers when something like this occurs, yet she kept ranting on how I should "not be parked over the line." She then proceeds to talk about how "she's 46 and too old for games" and talking me in circles, avoiding answering my questions when I asked her for the insurance proof. I admit, as someone who loses train of thought easily, I kept losing track of my original question she kept dodging and ranting on with something else unrelated to the matter, such as "I'm too professional to be concerned with something like this" and "why should I give you my insurance when I didn't HIT your car!" according to her it wasn't an accident, but rather her bumper was "resting" on my car and didn't do any damage. She kept emphasizing on how her car was "resting" on mine, not hitting it. Minimizing it, in every way possible, avoiding taking any responsibility. She proceeds to claim her car is a "rental car" and that she doesn't know about the insurance documents. As far as I know, every car has insurance papers, rental or not, as required by law. She pretended to not know about the papers, then got upset when I told her every car is required to have them. She fired back with "of course they do! but I don't know where they are in the car. I'll get them later." She then refused to tell me if she would bring them in to me, by the end of the day. To me it seems like she was dodging the question, refusing to answer hoping I'd either forget or just get away with it.

I never once raised my voice at her. I made factual statements and did my best to get her cooperation as in any standard car accident procedure between parties. She was quick to talk about "texting her lawyer" and claiming to show him pictures that I was "parked over the line." She was so stuck on it being my fault.

I felt my red flag detectors going off. It felt to me like she was blame shifting the entire scenario onto me, and making it seem like it was my fault for parking far in. In the end, our supervisor got involved and pretty much took her side. I called my insurance and they said the only thing I could do was call in a police report and have them come out. What's even worse, my boss said that parking over the line could even possibly get me charged instead with insurance claims, if they decided that it was my fault she backed in to me. I'm upset, but don't want to lose my job over something stupid like this, so I let it go. She didn't give her insurance info and I didn't want to call the police over it since it was such a minor accident. She walked away spotless, she's even on a bit of a high right now acting all loud and happy with everyone in front of me.

I feel like I was walked on. Things like this have happened before and I feel like she's getting away with her irresponsible behavior. I'm doing my best to not let it get to me, but I admit, it is. I was enjoying my new job until this woman has made it uncomfortable.

In the past I've been hyper vigilant, so I'm trying not to let my feelings cloud my judgement and over escalate things. In the end, I suppose for me it was more about feeling respected and understood about my concern of the issue. I wasn't intending to make damage claims, however I felt it was the responsible thing on part of both parties to exchange insurance info. Isn't that what people normally do after an accident?

I suppose I'm getting triggers of abuse from parents. The blame shifting, the excuses and being ignored. That's why I'm asking for help with clarity. I just hope I don't end up getting fired because of this person later on.

[moglow]

Whether your car was over the line or not, she parked after you did, so she was responsible for the placement of her own vehicle. She admits her car was "resting" on yours and she put it there. Looking for fault rather than simply addressing the issue at hand is juvenile of her. I'm guessing this isn't her first rodeo based on your comment about irresponsibility.

Like you said, it could well be triggers from the past as this isn't something unfamiliar. That doesn't make it any less real for you. Me, I'd go ahead and report it, let the chips fall where they may. Let the police and/or your insurance handle it from there, that's what they do.

[Kovera]

Thank you Moglow for your reply, I appreciate your insight. This woman is a new hire, so not really much other similar chaos... yet. Now that you mention it, this could be and indicator of future behavior, so now I know to start grey rocking like heck. Being a soft spoken and shy person, it often seems as if people like this tend to think they can push me over all the time, something my narc parents did always. I've even had blatant ocurences of being abused at jobs before, only to be let go to assist the abusers. I developed stronger self confidence and boundaries since then, but still sometimes I dissociate without realizing it and I hate it when I do that. Hopefully my nerves will be calmed after today. I'm just sick of toxic people ruining things for me, whether it be a new job, achievement or goal. Self awareness is key to not letting it get to me, I suppose.

[moglow]

@Kovera, sometimes All you can do is the one responsible logical thing, then carry on and let others do their thing. It doesn't come easy to those of us used to being second guessed and battered for it. Just remember her getting all defensive is no reflection on you at all.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think I agree with Moglow. Your car was parked first. I commonly see cars parked that are not totally tucked in all the lines. Other drivers have a decision to park elsewhere, or park next to the car while still keeping reasonable distance.   
         
Never have I ever parked my car to the point it was touching, resting, or tapping the other car. If she 'rested' it on your car as she said, then she would have likely felt it while parking and known what she was doing.   
     
Who knows, maybe when she saw a car parked in a position that impeded her ability to park where she wanted, she resorted to making a passive/aggressive statement? She did not anticipate anyone to call it out and resorted to defensiveness.

Sometimes I think managers are not quite skilled on how to make the appropriate call on such matters as they unfold. I think I understand how such an event would have been triggering though. I do not think you did anything egregious. It is hard to know what others are thinking, but it may be possible you are accurately identifying some red flag behaviors in your co-worker that has nothing to do with you.
   

[notrightinthehead]

Kovera, if that is how she behaves, she will reveal herself to others in time. Your decision to grey rock and medium chill when in contact with her should keep you safe.
What would bother me a bit is the stand the supervisor took. But I would file it under 'Good to know'. Hopefully you also have nice, normal colleagues there too. Stick with them!

[Catothecat]

I am not at all surprised the supervisor took her side.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  So, taking her side was probably an attempt to calm the situation down.  The supervisor knew she didn't need to calm you down. 

This behavior definitely seems passive-aggressive. Why she did it is the bigger question.  But she likely didn't expect you to say anything about it, and when you did her only response was to blow up with the old "the best defense is a good offense," i.e., go on the offensive and keep it up until you wear the other person down.  Do not admit fault, ever. 

She's just shown everyone who she is, and I hope everyone was paying attention. 

[Kovera]

I am not at all surprised the supervisor took her side.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  So, taking her side was probably an attempt to calm the situation down.  The supervisor knew she didn't need to calm you down. 

This behavior definitely seems passive-aggressive. Why she did it is the bigger question.  But she likely didn't expect you to say anything about it, and when you did her only response was to blow up with the old "the best defense is a good offense," i.e., go on the offensive and keep it up until you wear the other person down.  Do not admit fault, ever. 

She's just shown everyone who she is, and I hope everyone was paying attention. 

I agree with you Catofthecat. Why does it seem like employees who disrupt the peace and act toxic get to benefit? I don't know why employers don't address how to contain these situations instead of just hoping it'll go away by letting it slide and ignoring it.

What's even worse is that I currently work in social services (through a government contracted company.) Anyone who's been in this field knows how rampant PD behavior can be. They hired this client who still is a recipient of our services, and now she's taking full advantage of being a jerk because everyone is expected to empathize with and baby her. In other words, we have to put up with her garbage, just because she is a "testimonial" and will go running to corporate if anything she perceives as negative will put us on the spot.

Btw... my co-worker made a good point that if she refused to show insurance, threaten with a Lawyer and make excuses, it was probably because she DOESN'T HAVE AUTO INSURANCE. Is probably driving around illegally. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised.

[frogjumpsout]

Wow, Kovera. I'm sorry she tried to railroad you like this. I would be very upset if this happened to me at work (and have been when similar things happened),and I think you and the co-worker above are spot-on in your observations! One small silver lining is that, as others pointed out above, you now have some valuable information about her and maybe about your supervisor, too.