Problematic relationship with friend

[walking on broken glass]

Hello everyone,

I have a friend that I've known for a long time, about 10 years. We haven't always been very close but there was a time when we we would talk every day. It was during a difficult time in my life, when I had broken up with my then boyfriend of many years - a narcissist - and she had gone through something similar, so our shared experiences provided a bond. However, I gradually realized that she herself has many narcissistic traits. She thinks very highly of herself but is also very insecure and needs constant validation. She gets really competitive with me, even about small things, and this manifests in snarky comments, invalidation of my feelings and constant contradiction. At the same time, she has a good sense of humour and can be fun to hang out with. For the past five years or so I distanced myself from her a lot (living in different countries also helped) because of all the negativity but I think she still considers me a good friend and does not show much awareness about how the relationship has changed. To begin with she was complaining that I wasn't more available for chats but eventually she seemed to be reconciled with more infrequent catch-ups and accept the new pattern. However, she is the one that always initiates conversation and asks to have a call to catch up. I don't mind talking to her once a while but there are always eye-roll instances in the conversation when I have to take mental notes about things that were annoying, insensitive or downright offensive.

I am going to move out of the country for a while because of a temporary job and she knows about it (we are also in the same field and have known each other since we were students). So the other day when we had a chat she said she wants to come visit me. I have mixed feelings about this. If she hadn't suggested it, I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage her to come. She has visited before in my current residence but I live with my partner which gives me a sense of being more secure, grounded and in control. I will be on my own there and her visit will cause anxiety because she will be more prone to disrespecting boundaries and trying to recreate 'old times' when we were single (she has relationship problems too and tends to view secure relationships as boring or clingy/compromised). My question is, what would be a good tactic to follow with this friend to keep her at bay? I don't want to 'break up' with her as there are elements that I value and have known her for a long time. But I want to establish boundaries. For instance, if she visits, how do I react to annoying comments without exploding or offending her?

Examples of things she's said in the past: she had to leave the country because her contract ended and wasn't renewed, so she went back to her parents' place. I was myself struggling financially at the time, as my job was part-time, but I could stay with my partner and she made sure to point out to me that we are on the same boat and that if it wasn't for my partner, I would have had to leave the country and stay with my parents too.
She shows off about academic successes while downplays any successes on my part.
She makes comments about my relationship with my partner, saying I am too attached and dependent on him (I am truly not; we are in loving, committed relationship and treat each other with respect, but this is her warped way of seeing things).

Any ideas welcome!

[moglow]

Just a thought - you could just not invite her. Be evasive and busy busy if/when she suggests a visit. Now's not a good time, your space doesn't allow for guests, that kind of thing. I'm oversimplifying I'm sure, but as you mention, she always initiates conversation. There's a reason and maybe you could pay attention to that/your needs rather than her insistence that she visit.

[Rebel13]

Ugh these situations are so hard!  The blog Captain Awkward has a lot of posts about situations like this and how to cope.  I definitely recommend searching the archives there!  And good luck!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you!
I did think of that, @moglow. When she mentioned it I said I would be happy to have her over, which is partly the truth (I can't exactly say 'if you behave'). I could of course just be evasive and postpone but I will be there for one year and a half, which gives her plenty of opportunities to schedule a trip. She is quite persistent too. She might ask me why I don't commit to a date.