Hi all. Finally discovering

[homersiliad]

Hi all, It's taken me a while to get around to actually posting here and introducing myself, having gone through psychological h*ll a year ago. Of course it took months of research to finally discover the underlying basis of the behavior I observed/observe.

To cut a very long and painful (for me) story short (I'm sure I'll get into details in potential future posts):

I have a uNPDFIL (textbook) & uBPDMIL (both divorced 30 yrs ago) & a DW with fleas. Historically uNPDFIL was the main cause of my DW's past stress (along with uNPDFIL's 2nd EN-wife).
It was the uBPDMIL that flew under the radar undetected for quite a while until we had to move to the same locality and I observed her behavior over time. She is the most manipulative person I have ever come across and it seems groomed DW from young age to take care of her emotional needs (due to what was no doubt a stormy relationship with my  uNPDFIL). When we had to move recently to her home city she pursued a covert campaign to persuade DW to leave me even though we have two lovely children and are (were) very close. Due to uBPDMIL's triangulation (she knows exactly how to push her ex's NPD buttons) I'm now often the target of his anger although it's largely passive aggressive (my DW has had years  of practice on how to make sure she's not disapproved of).

I'm here because it took me a long and painful time to get to the point of convincing DW there was something very wrong with what's been going on. I was thought to be delusional which I've come to understand is common when dealing with people with PDs. DW can often slip back into denial as it's probably easier to believe your DH (me) is having cliched problems with MIL than to accept that she has a PD and that one has been manipulated. I think uBPDMIL's devaluing of me over months has taken on a permanence even though DW now knows about her mother. DW now chooses not to discuss it (but accepts it) so there hasn't been real closure and I'm getting really sick of carrying the can while  uNPDFIL & uBPDMIL continue on their merry way.

Eventually I think my relationship may fail if we don't seek therapy even though my DW is dead set against mirroring her parent's divorce. (Her mother has displayed a chronic inability to form long term relationships with men and is single and in her 70s.)

There's much more detail but I thought I'd throw this out and see what happens.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, and congratulations on a path towards awareness and healing. There are many here in a similar situation, and you are not alone.

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am the child of parents with uPDs and the word that comes to mind when I read your sharing is, triangulation.

It can be very painful, as you are aware, to truly accept that our parents have a PD and the PD makes it impossible for us to have an emotionally safe relationship with them.

I hope that by being here and in the forums, we are able to support you as you work to find out what your options are and what you need in order to stay in your marriage. As the adult child of a parent who was very manipulative, I know some of what you are describing here. PD's don't like (our) boundaries and they don't like (our) truth. Boundaries and truth are two things that keep us healthy as we go through our own life. Take care of yourself today and see you on the boards.

Trees