Hello

[Jessie]

Hello. My first post, and what a a marvellous forum this is. 

I can't believe that my struggles to separate from my mother started 30 years ago. It was at that point that I first had therapy. A marvellous therapist, the scales fell from my eyes and for the first time I was able to see what was going on in my family. I wasn't the evil cause of all the problems, I was victim. He even prepared me for reducing the contact I had with my mother by getting me used to the idea that I would be scapegoated (again), and that I could deal with being the bad girl and being bad mouthed. After all I've had plenty of practice. I can remember towards the end of that therapy I suggested I move far, far away and he said that was a very good idea. Anyway, I did, and it now takes her three days to drive from her house to my house.

Since that time we have telephone contact every few weeks, and a couple of times a year she has come to visit me. Not by my choice but I have felt unable to say no. I've always gone to pieces. For a while there I would book further therapy when she announced she was coming. With her I come across as incredibly nasty, which I don't think I am, but my constant re-stating of the boundaries seems snarly. My goal has been to put on my fake face, appear charming as if we have a relationship, hide my terror of her and not let her see the real inner me. It's theatre.

I have fantasised about complete no contact for a long, long while. Basically I had put it off until Dad died. He died a couple of years ago and it seemed cruel to walk away at her vulnerable point, and miraculously she didn't seem so bad then so I haven't, yet.

Well, recently she announced she was coming again. Firstly she was bringing an 80-year-old friend to stay with her (how on earth am I going to put up two 80 something women in this house?), but fortunately that fell through. She came alone and it was the usual ordeal. Then in the final moments, as we were walking to her car she gave me some advice she'd obviously been saving for that moment. It was about the nature of my marriage. It doesn't have to be a dictatorship you know.

Now after a week of saying the boundary is there......the boundary is there...breathe...breathe...I lost it. I was enraged and it showed. I told her to go and not come back, she said she wouldn't, and did I know I was making a scene where the neighbours could see?

This has stirred up a lot of crud for me. Her marriage was the dictatorship. I'm 30 years in with a lovely man. And if she seriously thought it was, surely she'd be concerned for the victim's welfare and offer a helping hand? Instead I think I was being told I was the victim and it's all my fault. Well, she is wrong.

I've been angry, but also had a growing sense that this is the straw, I'm the camel, and I don't need to pretend any more. I'm free. I don't want any of her opinions about me but her criticising my marriage is way, way too far, and too right I've chosen sides.

I have let her calls to me ring out. I just don't want to talk to her.

She has spoken to my husband. It was a joke apparently and she's the victim because I'm always so nasty. I think she thinks she's apologised.

So I'm wrestling with my decades old no contact fantasies, but I think the sensible next step is to call a stop to her visits. Perhaps by the time never being suitable. I can handle the odd phone call, and the grey rock idea is wonderful. Beyond that there is just Christmas where I'll have to see her.

Thanks for listening to me rant. I'd love some advice.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. You seem to know exactly what you are dealing with and you seem to have chosen anger as the best method to protect yourself from your mother. Have you checked out the Toolbox? You might find some ideas there which other strategies to employ.

By the way, I am sure you agree that marriage is not a dictatorship. Well, it should not be in my opinion. I believe you responded to the suspected implication that yours was, not to the actual words. A stranger listening to your conversation might not have gotten the implication and wondered why you were upset. This could be your starting point. Look into yourself and find out exactly what is happening with you, which automated thoughts are rolling in your mind and how you can change them.