Feeling like a failure as a parent

[FreeSophia]

I am really struggling with feeling like a failure as a parent right now. There are many, many ways that being in a relationship with someone with a PD has affected my parenting style. I wrote a bit about it in my previous post "how has it affected you." writing that brought up a deep, painful wound that I have in my role as a mother. My only child is a teenager. (I so wanted more kids, but could not bear to get more stuck and dependent in my relationship than I already was, so thats also a wound.) But back to the current situation... my only child is now a teenager. Her dad has never given her much attention at all unless it is in a negative way, like he wants her to go away because it's "grown up time" (although it is NEVER "family time") or he accuses her and her friends of all kinds of things, like they took something from him, they hid something from him, they watered down his whiskey, they stole his cigarettes, etc... etc... I am constantly running interference with him and her to protect her. It has had such a negative affect on her self-esteem and her relationship with boys to have a dad that she sees is completely obsessed with her mom but has no relationship with her (the daughter). Last weekend she even asked him "Why do you hate us?" because she was cooking food for her and her friend and he made it clear that her presence in the kitchen was annoying to him. It just breaks my heart. And what really, really makes me feel like the shittiest parent ever is that I am relived when she is not here. How fucked up is that? I love her so much. she is the best thing to ever happen to me. but when she is here I am constantly on guard to protect her. when she is not here she is safe from being emotionally hurt by her dad. I have even found myself counting down the days until she is 18 so that she no longer has to be in this environment. How fucked up is that??????? I feel like such a failure. I know a reason that I stayed in this relationship was because of her. Because I didn't know how I would financially support her alone. It is very very difficult to get by financially in this city. Even having two full time working adults it is still sometimes a struggle. I felt like leaving with her was too overwhelming. I would be fine to live in my truck. but I couldn't do that with her. so I feel like I stayed for her, and I also feel like I fucked up her life by staying. and I absolutely hate that I feel that sense of relief when she isn't here. can anyone relate???

[NumbLotus]

I can understand the relief when she is not around so you don't have to play meat shield.

But what if you reframe that? The real relief is when HE'S not around, right?

Can you find ways to spend time with her away from him/the house?

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Agree 100% with NumbLotus and your post just hit me hard.  Yes the guilt and the shame of what have I done?  But... you were there protecting her for the most part and it could have been so so so much worse.  I divorced my uNPDxh and my kids were forced to deal with his antics without my interference.  I felt so bad for throwing them to the wolves (so to speak) like that.  But they are pretty good kids and I'm proud of how they turned out.  Then I married uBPDh and I thought he was soooo much better he wasn't so overtly mean, but it was almost the same thing.  So I get the guilt and yes NOW... I am so happy when he is gone.  Life is good.   And like I said in my response to your last post... you have to forgive yourself.  You love your daughter and you put yourself through h#ll and back to protect her.  She will see that.

[11JB68]

I've been in a similar position. When ds was younger I was afraid to have to share custody. Now it turns out if have to pay Updh support and can't afford it with ds school loans etc. Also just afraid of all that goes with divorcing a pwpd. It is hard to know the best thing to do. I've also had to run interference and have felt guilt over the things I've done wrong. I do try to get time away from the house with ds when I can, those are the best times.
Also I've supported his bed for Independence even when I'd rather have him at home, but I know it's best for him to go away to school etc

[Associate of Daniel]

I think we all feel a sense of failure as parents when pds are involved, no matter if we leave or stay.

I feel a failure for having chosen uNPD exH as the father of my ds.

I feel a failure now as ds13 has chosen to live with his uNPD dad and uNPD smum. Has just started doing so.

I can't be that good a mum if he doesn't want to live with me, right?

I know in my head I'm a great mum but my heart is not on the same page.

AOD

[losingmyself]

Why is it so helpful to hear your exact thoughts coming from other people?
I divorced DS and DD's narcissitic F, and was love-bombed by my NPDH right away. I spent half of my kid's lives living like a single mom. Everything we did, it was just the three of us. My kids were my life, but I wanted a partner, maybe even just a little help.
So, H came along, my knight in shining armor, always by my side. Literally. And he was so mean to my kids, but then he would do the nicest things for them. We went on trips, had fun, he would buy them things. But he was a bully, mean, critical, teasing my DS relentlessly. By the time they were teens, my DD informed us, during a fight in the car, that she had been cutting herself. She went to the psychiatric ward and was held for 72 hours. After which, she and DS went to live with their F full time.
I didn't protect them. I tried all the reasoning tactics with him, but I didn't know that nothing would ever change. All I had to do was tell him to leave. And I didn't. WTF is wrong with me??
I don't feel like I will ever forgive myself, and I don't know if they will.

[losingmyself]

Associate of Daniel, I just wanted to say that my kids left me 4 years ago. They started bi-weekly visitation after we saw a family therapist. The only good thing to come out of that session. My DS is 21 now, and lives on his own. They love me, I know it. When I saw them on those weekends, I was the best Mom I could be. The bullying basically stopped. I still try to be the best Mom I can be, and that's all we can do.
Love them, as you will always do. Have fun, spend as much quality time with them as possible.  It's not that you were a bad mom, they just couldn't live with a difficult person.
FreeSophia, I know exactly how you feel. There are times when I am relieved when my DD goes back to her F, because of the tension between her and H. They just don't get along, and his constant complaining about everything she does gets exhausting. It is horrible to feel that way, but our feelings aren't wrong.
It is like a stab in the gut that she calls her F's her home. I don't live in the place she calls home anymore.