Mental Block

[WhiteWolf]

So nearly everyone says it's better for the kids to leave an abusive relationship. I'm having a really hard time with that idea because it most likely means they will have 50% of their young lives living with someone who is abusive and alcoholic when I can't be there to protect them. Yes my house would be light years better but I feel like I'm sacrificing them to the wolves by making them live half their childhoods dealing with his abuse with no protection. That's why I don't leave. And they have severe separation anxiety from me and get upset if I even go to another room in the house. So how would I be able to just leave them with him for days on end? I couldn't do that. So I put up with the abuse and waste the best years of my life on this relationship while I'm dying for real love inside. Any insights or help with my mental block?

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry, you feel you have to put up with the abuse. This might be a good moment to find help for yourself,  a support group, a domestic abuse centre, a Alanon group, counselling, therapy - whatever you can get. You have to remain strong and healthy for your kids and that means you need to get assistance from somewhere.  This forum here is full of information and support, but the way you describe your situation, you need all the help you can get. Do you have a trusted friend that you can open up to?
Please study the toolbox tab and implement the strategies that are appicable for your situation. You could also start to work on an exit strategy - find out what you will need to get out and start to get your ducks in a row, even if you decide to never leave, it will help you to know that you have options.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

     I'm also sorry, Whitewolf.  Many of us have had this tough decision to make.   

Sometimes people in the field can show us other options than just a) status quo or b) let him abuse them 50% of the time. I know how it can look like that, though.  I've been there.

Living with abuse can leave us feeling so disempowered we barely know we have choices.   I hope you can get some good help like what NotRight suggested.  You are not alone!

[Stillirise]

Whitewolfe, I can totally relate. I was where you are for a long time.  I also agree with the previous posters.  There may be other options.  I ended up waiting until my children were old enough to manage their own basic needs, (9/10), although in hindsight, I now wish I'd done it sooner.  I also gambled on my gut feeling that he cares more about his job, his booze, and his own self-interests, than he cares about parenting his kids. 

So far, he's proven that right.  I filed for divorce, so I got to put the first temporary custody agreement in play. Just because 50/50 is the norm, it doesn't mean other arrangements no longer happen.  I offered him every other weekend, and 1 day per week when I filed. He never challenged it, and isn't even using all the time it grants him.  So far, in negotiations for a final settlement, he has only asked for a bit more time during summer breaks.  He didn't want it to start this past summer, though.  I let him "win" that, because a year from now, they will be even older, and Lord knows what he will be into by then!

I knew he would never voluntarily say, "I don't want my kids even 1/2 of the time."  However, by offering him EOW, and the chance to play the victim, he can save face, and complain that he hardly ever gets to see his kids, and has to pay me "all that money."  Plus, he seems to enjoy thinking I have little time for a life outside of work and home, because the kids are nearly always with me.  That's been working ok so far. 

It was like jumping off a cliff when I filed. I'm having major issues with him otherwise, but my gut proved right that he didn't want to actually parent. He seems to prefer occasional "visits" with his kids, but would never admit that.

I do "enable" him a little, when he has excuses about why he can't come on his scheduled weekdays.  I play it off like it's no big deal.  I also make sure I'm the one to pick them up from his place on Sunday evenings. I believe it helps the kids stay safe, by keeping them out of his vehicle when he's been drinking.   I'm trying to win the war (the safety and well-being of my children), while letting him think he's won a few battles.

Best wishes to you!  There is no easy path, but we are here to help walk it with you.