Low contact turned to no contact

[walking on broken glass]

Hello All,

I have been very low contact with my BPDsis for the past ten years or so. We used to talk on birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc., well, more accurately, she would message me and ask to talk and I would give in. Part of the reason was to keep my parents happy, that I did have some contact with her and kept the formalities. Recently, this all has changed. I think the catalyst was my dad's exacerbation of his long term illness and my mum's hip surgery (both happening simultaneously). I went there (I live abroad) to help, and sis (also lives abroad, in a different country) was unbearable, trying to attract attention to herself and using the situation as a way to get facetime with me. I held my ground and had minimal contact with her, only for medical reports and not chit chat. I also had a long conversation with my dad, who was pressuring me about being the bad sister and not being in touch with sis more, and for the first time told him that they have been burying their heads under the sand for years, that they refuse to see the facts and have failed to protect me from my sister's bad behaviour. I said that from now on I won't accept any words from them on my communication with sis, that this is something that is between sis and me, and putting pressure on me makes things worse. He took it surprisingly well, in the sense that he wasn't happy about it but he hasn't bothered me much about it since then.

This conversation was liberating for me. For the first time I realized I don't have to be in touch with sis just to keep her and my parents happy. It wasn't a big deal if she was upset and, if I didn't want to interact with her, she could not make me. I even blocked her for some time on whatsapp, something I had never done before, because she kept pestering me even when I didn't acknowledge her messages. Last time we spoke was at New Year's (she was at my parents' place) and since then I haven't tried to engage with her at all - neither has she. I sent her an e-card for her birthday in February, she sent me a Whatsapp message to thank me and I just replied with a thumbs-up. I guess she got the message because she hasn't tried to contact me since. I know she is ok because my parents casually mention her in our conversations.

The thing is: I am very happy with no contact, and I have realized how much mental energy I was wasting thinking about sis and worrying about having to talk to her. I don't miss our interactions (we really have nothing to talk about, I just sit and listen to her complain about her life for hours, and I reveal nothing about mine) but I still feel guilty. I've wondered whether I should make an attempt to send a casual message but then why would I open that door again? It's also funny that I am thinking of the situation as no contact from my side, while it is also no contact from her side. My years of conditioning tell me to do something to 'fix' the silence but my years of therapy and my instincts caution me against this.

Has anyone else faced something similar and how did you deal with it?

[Rebel13]

Hi walking on broken glass!

My (looooong) story about my VLC with my mother turning into NC last year is in the "Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members" forum, titled "Maybe the Fog Has Lifted?" from October last year -- in case you want a lot of details! But the overall story arc is similar to yours -- minimal unenjoyable contact over years with my mom, a visit leading to a blowout, and have now been NC with her for about a year. At first, I was so mad about how she behaved during the visit, that not having to deal with her felt great. I know the point of NC isn't punishment, but I DID hope she felt bad!  (I'm sure she didn't. She has many stories about how "selfish" and "hard to understand" I am, and I'm sure those gave her righteous comfort.) Since then, I have just felt relief that I don't have to go through the sham of a video call that I don't want to have, and don't enjoy.

I understand your feelings and impulses to make contact, though. Before the NC, when contact would lapse and I would subsequently realize how long it had been, I would feel that jolt of guilt, and usually would text her. Then the interaction would be frustrating, and I would feel relief when it died out, and the cycle would repeat. I think there might be an aspect of needing to just accept and feel the guilt, or whatever, and wait for it to pass? Back then I wasn't letting myself do what I really wanted, but now, I would try to think about what it would be like to have a conversation, and that would make me realize how much I didn't want to and would not enjoy it. It really is OK to prioritize your preferences, especially since your sister isn't exactly beating down your door to connect, it doesn't sound like. My mom isn't either, by the way. I don't know why, for years, she would routinely say stuff like "I miss you so much!" and "I loved seeing you on Zoom!" but would hardly ever initiate contact herself? I really don't understand it. If someone else does, maybe they would explain it?

[walking on broken glass]

Hello @Rebel13!

Thanks so much. Both your story and your comments here help me realize that guilt is normal but it shouldn't necessarily dictate my actions. And you are so right about how people like your mum and my sis will be telling themselves that they are the wronged parties and we are being selfish. My sis has never apologized to me about her bad behaviour. She always plays the victim ('poor me, why does my sister hate me so much, while I have done nothing but love her?) and this is the side my parents choose to see too. She can do no wrong, as far as they are concerned.

A couple of weeks ago I went on a trip with my partner to Bordeaux (a truly beautiful city!). I told my parents about the trip and they immediately remarked 'your sis went there and didn't like it'. What was the reason? 'It was full of black people'. Yeap, she is racist too. My sister's words reported through my parents reminded me what it's like having a conversation with her. Best case scenario, you want to die of boredom, worst case scenario you want to scream.

I've been thinking more of her as a religious holiday is approaching, and - as you said in your own post - people like sis are very keen on holidays and birthdays. Sis used my birthday as an excuse to force me to talk to her 'just to say hi birthday' and then highjacked the call and talked about herself. As the holiday is approaching, I am conscious that my parents will want me to get in touch with sis 'because these things are important and she is on her own, poor thing'. I don't want to get in touch with her. If she gets in touch with me, I will have to think carefully how to respond.

I suspect that sis does not really want to be in regular touch with me either. What she wants is me to want to be in touch with her, and she know that's not the case. And so she pushes to get what she wants.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't know why, for years, she would routinely say stuff like "I miss you so much!" and "I loved seeing you on Zoom!" but would hardly ever initiate contact herself? I really don't understand it.

[Rebel13]

Best case scenario, you want to die of boredom, worst case scenario you want to scream.

Laughed out loud at this. That is EXACTLY how it was with my mom.

I suspect that sis does not really want to be in regular touch with me either. What she wants is me to want to be in touch with her, and she know that's not the case. And so she pushes to get what she wants.

Oh this is brilliant. The "I miss you so much!" thing is the attempted love-bombing they hope will make us *want contact with them.* Wow. 

[clarityjane]

My relationship with my PD sister is a lot like this. A lot of push/pull from her, listening to her life for as long as she needs and not sharing mine. She rarely inquired. One day, I decided to do an experiment. How long could we go without me initiating contact? It went a while, about 6 months, and there were several times that she complained to our PDM about it. That I was mad at her but she didn't know why. Thing is, she lied about contacting me. She simply did not reach out. After a while, I figured that I would attempt to hear her out, let her know that she was mistaken about the contact being my way of punishing her. I quickly realized it was a mistake. It was the same old song and dance. When I hung up, I knew that I was done. I was her scapegoat. That was my purpose from birth, at least this is how she treats me. I can't say that I want to reach out now, but I can say after years of being free from her, I feel liberated. I've learned to remember the pain of being enmeshed with her and not a real person with feelings and my own thoughts or opinions when I feel the urge to reach out. Estrangement is difficult, I think, for those of us who have compassion for others. I hope you continue to do what you feel is best for your own life. 

[Rebel13]

I've learned to remember the pain of being enmeshed with her and not a real person with feelings and my own thoughts or opinions when I feel the urge to reach out.   

Awesome point.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much for sharing @clarityjane!

I will remember this every time I feel bad about not being in touch.

My dad's health has taken a dip the past few weeks and I was thinking that, if I was in touch with sis, she would use this to lure me in. As she has studied biomedicine, she also behaves as if she were a doctor and has all sorts of views about my dad's health and treatment, which drives me crazy.

My parents will definitely say that I should get in touch with her for the holiday approaching and I am not sure what response to give to that.

[moglow]

You don't have to respond at all, WOBG. Their commentary doesn't require one, and any questions along that line are rhetorical at best. They know, they're just trying to get you to toe the family line. You don't have to do that either. You can carry on with your conversation with them as if it wasn't said. When they push it, well look at the time! Great talking to y'all, need to head out, we'll talk soon!

[clarityjane]

Thanks, Rebel 

Walking,
It can be tough trying to find the words to say to people who don't see the truth. (Or refuse to see.) Moglow's advice is spot on. You don't have to say anything or give a response. If that is difficult, I've learned a polite, "I'd rather not talk about that, thank you," can make me feel less guilty, even if they try saying you're a jerk. You know you said it nicely and they can take it how they want. I'm sorry about your dad's health decline. I'm glad you're here to receive support!