Breaking the NC to tell her why I am NC?

[WomanInterrupted]

I have to agree - "paying her back" for all those non-existent loans will only encourage her and probably send her into overdrive:  what next?  Pay her back for your ballet lessons when you were five?  Your diapers?  The pain and suffering you caused her during your birth!? 

It just never ends - and if she can't "getcha!" one way, she'll try another.   

BTW - I'd take all that correspondence about finances - those non-existent and long-ago  "loans" and show them to a lawyer, who will tell you this is a simple matter of contract law - if there IS no contract, there is no loan, and anyway, there's a statute of limitations for such things, which varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. 

I think in many, it's something like 5 or 7 years to file a lawsuit based on a broken contract - but there ARE no contracts!   

A contract is just that:  it spells out  what was given, who gave it, to whom it was given, for which circumstance (sometimes), and how the recipient is to pay back the loan, for how long, and at what interest rate.  The contract is signed and hopefully notarized - and that's that.   

You, Sidney, would KNOW that you and your DH are responsible for paying back the sum of $1,000  over 10 months, at 0% interest, for the total of $100 a month.  Your payments begin X, they end X.  The contract is fulfilled when the last payment is received. 

Simple.  Stupid.  Easy - and why so many "loan" claims get thrown out on Judge Judy - because the gift didn't become a loan until the couple broke up or there was a falling-out among family members.   

A lawyer, if you want, will fire off a letter to your mother basically telling her in legalese that doesn't have  hope and a prayer. 

She may listen to your DH, but to see it on a lawyer's letterhead will let her know you took this seriously enough to consult a professional and probably put the fear of God into her. 

I think I'd break NC ONE final time, and  it would be to answer all her waify, desperate emails.  I'd send her only this, and block her:

If you have any questions, please feel free to think them through thoroughly.

That puts HER anxiety and behavior back on her, where they belong - and absolves you of ALL responsibility.  She can think about it instead - she won't, but at least you SAID it and told her to stop bugging you. 

Any other bleats on her part - asking what you *mean* by that (isn't it self-explanatory?), or stating she can't believe you'd ABANDON her (she's not a infant - and she has your father), or anything else are best ignored, if they can't be blocked - and then deleted, as you at least contemplate getting a new number.

You don't have to do it, but you can at least do a bit of research.  Maybe it won't be so bad?  Perhaps the people  who set up your phone can blast a "new number" text to all your contacts?

You never know - that's why I suggest looking into it. 

BTW - if you can go this route, just double-check first that your mom and dad are NOT in your contacts list! 

You could also ask if they can import your Blocked Number list to the new number - it just makes it a little less painful that way.

I agree that refusing to engage when the toxicity ramps up to epic levels feels so *good* - maybe Didi and Ray weren't better than that, but I am and wouldn't be brought down to their level.

And neither will you. 

[sandpiper]

The best apology is changed behaviour, and clearly any change your mother has made in hers is to make it worse.
I hate the non-apologies, too.
My uNPD/alcoholic sister threw one of those at me before the argument that led to 15 years of NC (and I am increasingly grateful for the peace that brings).
After doing a series of things that I'd repeatedly asked her not to do (I'm not allowed to have boundaries, she however is at liberty to break them and trample them at her whim) and when I reminded her of the boundaries, she stuck her nose in the air and said 'I'm sorry if I've offended you.' I just glared at her and said "well I'm sorry that you have BEHAVED that way but clearly you are not, and until you are, and you can say so, we have nothing else to discuss.'
Over the years I've made a point of weeding the mutual contacts out of my life, if they have nothing better to do than act out their Flying Monkey urges.
One strategy that I've learned, whenever I encounter one and they start up, is that I embrace my inner core evil so that they don't have to lecture me about it.
Said with a total poker face and an attitude of humility:
I.e. 'Oh Karen, there is one thing you need to understand about me and this is that everything they've told you about me is true. I have this terrible problem with dishes and laundry and no matter how hard I try, and I've had a lifetime of trying, I just cannot for the life of me manage to do it the only right way like my mother knows how. It is a terrible burden to them, and a good thing that they have people like you in their lives to support them through it.'
Most people look good and foolish if you Embrace The Madness. It confuses hell out of them and it most cases, they shut the hell up.
If the flying monkey still insists on wanting answers and wanting to involve themselves in the drama I just throw my hands in the air and say 'Oh no, you're right, I'm a terrible human being and they suffer horribly for it, I've even had therapy to try to change my wicked ways to help them, but I'm a lost cause , and nothing can be done.'
It's a kind of reverse projection, owning their BS.
If the FM has any kind of smarts then that will be their lightbulb moment.
If they have a sense of humour, they'll laugh.
If they are dumb as a box of rocks then they will carry on with their Flying Monkey Attack mission and the best response I've found to that is just to be patronising. 'You are absolutely right and you can go back now and tell them I said so. Your work here is done.'

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  DH and I asked ourselves the same.  Would she be asking for college tuition back, medical bills, birthday gifts.   DH made it crystal clear in his email that we have  nothing in our possession that belongs to them and we owe them no money.  That includes any gifts they have ever given - birthday, Christmas, tuition, etc.   She insisted  in her original email that I not tell DH about the money and just send it all back to her.     Yeah right. 

DH is a lawyer, and the email came from his work account, so that shut her down quickly.   And I know from watching Judge Judy that she has no case!  It's strange that she treats me like an 8 year old and him like he's still the age he was when she met him - 30ish.   Is that PD to never accept that an adult can mature or age?  We're clearly much older than 8 and 30, but that's how she still treats us. 

So in the mean time her tactic changed.   She sent emails saying that she just had a crazy moment.   She doesn't know what's wrong with her.  She was just frustrated and overwhelmed.   She suddenly remembered the actual arrangement that it was a gift and the details of the multiple conversations.    Once again she insists thst it's all enD's job to keep her in check and tell her when she's saying things that aren't ok.   Clearly he didn't stop her this time either!  Then she dumped all of her fears about Coronavirus on me demanding that I tell her how to handle all of her scheduled upcoming holidays.  Nope.   She's getting no response from me and for the first time I feel no guilt about it at all.   It's certainly sad that I can't have a relationship, but there is no way to maintain a relationship like this. 

[NumbLotus]

JACKPOT! You have in writing that you don't owe her the money.

Don't just keep the email, print and file copies too!

[sandpiper]

Mother's FOO are like that, in regard to never being able to acknowledge that you're an adult. It means they would have to put you on an equal power footing and that would mean giving up their one-up-one-down mentality. Any mechanism that will give them a foothold above you in the social hierarchy is something they will cling to.
I always wondered WTH that was about, with mother's FOO, but I've come to view it as part of their inability to develop reciprocal relationships, and it's because they don't grow and change appropriately with the relationships in their life. It's like you are forever going to be 8 years old, to them. When the reality is that they are the ones stuck at that point of emotional development and they simply can't move beyond it.
They all seem to get 'stuck' at some point in their development and they don't mature emotionally into adults. It must be horribly confronting for them to see us become adults, when they can't navigate that world.
Totally weird, though, that 'playing adult' requires that they need to treat you like you're some sort of incompetent child.