They can't do anything on their own!

[mary_poppins]

Not sure if others experienced this but my NM asks me to do stuff she should do on her own. (i do it when and if I have time but still)

She is in her 60's and still DOES not know how to borrow books from the local library (she is too ashamed to tell me this so, of course, she invents other reasons). I had to borrow books for her and when I stopped doing that, she pulled a tantrum.

Is it typical for PD people to rely on everyone to run errands? Are they doing this because they can't do it/are afraid of people or because they rather use others to do stuff instead of making an effort themselves?

My mother does this to my father as well. She orders him to come with her everywhere she needs to go, even if he is sick. My father can't walk on one foot so he's partially disabled but still, she drags him along everywhere she goes.

[JustKat]

Wow, yes, this sounds a lot like my own Nmother.

When I was ten we made a long-distance move to a new state on the opposite coast. At that time, my mother declared that she was no longer going to drive because people in this state were dangerous drivers and she was too scared to be behind the wheel. My father started working the night shift to accommodate her and became her personal chauffeur. When she didn't want to leave the house (which was most of the time) he ran errands for her. He spent the remainder of his career working the night shift, exhausted all the time, so he could be at home to take care of her.

I think this was about one thing, and that was control. Nmother felt that she owned my father and needed to control him as much as she was controlling her children. She was perfectly capable of running errands herself but ordering my father to do it gave her power over him.

[11JB68]

this is very like my uOCPDh
I think in the common traits list it would be selective competence
uOCPDh is a self-proclaimed EXPERT at certain things.....but anything else he acts CLUELESS. 'neeeeeds' my 'help'
He can make any task a family/group project. OR will literally just expect me to do it.
Very frustrating - esp when I decide to do stuff on my own and then he gets mad cuz 'I'm not dead, and I'm not a child' (ME (to myself): "then stop acting like it!"

[Pepin]

Yes....this is DPD MIL.  It is all about control and keeping you in line.  I have quietly watched my husband be used like a pawn over the years.  He gets asked to do things that DPD MIL should know to do herself.  For example, several years ago she got a new furnace.  This required having to change the air filter out.  For whatever reason, DH assured me that she was diligent in doing this.  Turns out that she had not done it once.  How difficult is it to do?  Open the compartment, slide out the old one and slide in a new one?  He literally changed it for her a couple of months ago.     There is so much more I could write about her...the helplessness just leaves me exasperated.  I just don't see how it is that someone can operate like this - until I learned that it was a game. 

[GentleSoul]

"weaponised incompetence".   yet another form of manipulation and control they use.

Sorry you have this to deal with.  It is exhausting.

[Liketheducks]

Yep....weaponized incompetence.   It should be in the NPD playbook, it is so common.      My mom would OFFER to help.   For example, pick up a child from school one afternoon.   Directions would be exchanged.   Mom would say, have DS call me when he's finished.   I would explain that it wasn't possible as he's not allowed to touch the phone at school (in this instance they let us know the school would be collecting them during a field trip), please be there at 3pm.    5pm I'd get a call from the school.   Mom's not there.   She shows up at 6 citing "well, you didn't give me directions and I told you to have him call me".    I stopped asking, which was likely what she wanted in the first place, but wanted to seem "helpful".     Now she KNEW when he was done with grade school....and not hearing from him my 5pm she SHOULD know to IDK do SOMETHING....call me....go to the school.....boot up the teleport so that DS could wish himself home....IDK.   
This would happen on virtually anything that she might offer to do to be of help to me.   Before I sound super ungrateful, she was living with us at the time, retired, and had no responsibilities.       I stopped asking or offering.    If she mentioned a problem, I'd ask what she thought she might do about it, but not offer a solution that involved me fixing it for her.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, I see this in my family too. It seems they spend so much of their time, energy and drama-creation by getting me or others to do tasks for them when just doing it themselves would be easier and quicker. 
   
I never believe they lack the abilities or time. I firmly believe it is about them "using" other people as tools and in the process they get affirmation that they are still the ones in charge.

[mary_poppins]

...the helplessness just leaves me exasperated.  I just don't see how it is that someone can operate like this - until I learned that it was a game.

OMG, yes! It's a game, and it makes sense. Why should they do it when they have servants to do work for them? They truly believe they own others 

[mary_poppins]

"weaponised incompetence".

Thank you, i didn;t know what it was called.

[mary_poppins]

Yes, I see this in my family too. It seems they spend so much of their time, energy and drama-creation by getting me or others to do tasks for them when just doing it themselves would be easier and quicker. 
   
I never believe they lack the abilities or time. I firmly believe it is about them "using" other people as tools and in the process they get affirmation that they are still the ones in charge.

Wow. This goes even darker. Meaning that not only do they use us to do stuff they should be doing themselves as adults but they believe they are TOO important to be doing them themselves right? As if they need to employ 'lesser' beings to do earthly chores. 

[11JB68]

My uocpdh often comments on how his time is so valuable.... Implying that others' time is not...
Like mine
Meanwhile I make way more than he does, so if we were to really quantify the value of our respective time....

[Jolie40]

Is it typical for PD people to rely on everyone to run errands?

PD parent was dependent on everyone, whoever she could get to go with her to places OR do things for her

she didn't even go to hairdresser alone
always had someone go to Dr with her
If everyone was invited somewhere but she didn't want to go, she'd keep someone home to stay with her

as a teen, the minute I got home from high school, I had to do family laundry, vacuum , & make dinner, while PD parent went & took nap
as long as I can remember, she took a nap every afternoon

[feralcat]

IME it just highlights why some people have children. Not to be loved and to be fostered to become independent adults , flying the nest and 'paying it forward' - as the saying goes - to support others/the next generation . But to look after THEM. Enable them when needed.

In my experience , unfortunately as I'm a feminist I have to say ,  it's been the females . On both FOO and PIL ( ex and current) sides. That's probably because their (enabling) husbands died first. Cue very independent, and dominant , women suddenly becoming PD waifs. On the surface , a complete U turn. Turning down/sabotaging any attempts to introduce outside help. Because they have faaaaaamily to do it. It's an expectation.
Even if those family members live miles away.

Cue piling on of FOG, family memorabilia / memories ....and sometimes money. That all of a sudden they realise they have after all 

[MIB]

This is my uPD mother too. My father died earlier this year, and he did *everything * except keep the house clean and make dinner. My mother had no clue about her personal finances, how to use a cell phone, how to pay bills, pump gas, send an email... you name it, she didn't know how to do it.

So I helped her at the beginning (because honestly if anything were to get done I had no choice but to do it), but in the time that followed I offered to show her once or twice - or direct her how she might otherwise get support - and backed away.

She was super pissed about it because I know she just wants someone else to assume the responsibilities dad took on and do things for her. But - as I've told her - she's a housewife, has all the time in the world , speaks the language, isn't stupid, and it's *her life*. It's not my job - as someone who works full time, has two young kids and lives an hour away - to do it, nor is it anyone else's.

Does it resonate? A bit but not really. She's done a few things on her own, but still asks (other people mostly, thank God) for help. In fact I was talking with her on the weekend and she was telling me that she might go away for the winter next year - something she did for years with dad. I said to her, " that's great. You realize that you can't just show up like you used to and have everything done - you'll have to book a flight, car, hotel, insurance, figure out how to navigate around etc - right?" (because honestly, it's not within her mindset to think like that). She replied, "oh maybe I'll just get Paul and Vanessa (a casual friend and my cousin) to help with that." Yeah....like two busy working people are going to spend their free time researching and booking YOUR winter holiday 

So right now, I help her with things that either benefit me, or are important to my conscience. Otherwise she can figure it out.... I have my own life to attend to,  and it's not my job to take care of hers.

[p123]

I could write a book on this. IMHO this "incompetence" has a two fold use:-

1. "Look at me I'm struggling so much" - so you have to visit more.
2. "why bother when someone else can do it"

Dad has been doing this for 30 years with mostly success ranging from
- Getting divorced at 58 refusing to get a washing machine because "he didnt know how to use it" and "its womens work". His older sister did his laundry for years, then brother various partners. I've never given in and refuse to do it.
- Deliberately keeping food supplies in his freezer low. Classic trick "I've got no food in the house" so you'll have to visit
- Every single letter. "Changes to bank account terms and conditions". I've had an important letter - what does it mean? Can you check for me?
- Take  him out in the car and he pretends he can't walk without leaning on me. In the house, he scoots happily from room to room. Again for my benefit - look how ill I am!

[GentleSoul]

- Take  him out in the car and he pretends he can't walk without leaning on me. In the house, he scoots happily from room to room. Again for my benefit - look how ill I am!

Oh my goodness!!  My late uPD husband used to do this!  I swear they all read the same Guidebook. 

He used to pretend he couldn't walk.  He had walkers as props!     Even a wheelchair.   He was pretending!!!!   

Ironic thing was though, as he approached the end of his life, he truly couldn't walk.  So all those props were used for real. 

Karma!  I thought it and he even said it!

[palmtreeparadise]

Wow yeah my mother does this. Always reaching out for help to run errands and making me go out of my way to help her do things. In some cases it involves money like sending it to family for her, in other cases its stuff she needs me to do because she doesn't want my dad to know, and other cases its because she doesn't have her car to drive. I would get frustrated because i would have to work my regular job and then have to do something for her and it is exhausting. And DH always gets annoyed "why do you have to do that for her?" because my brother lives at home and he should be able to do stuff for her but she still reaches out to me.

[p123]

- Take  him out in the car and he pretends he can't walk without leaning on me. In the house, he scoots happily from room to room. Again for my benefit - look how ill I am!

Oh my goodness!!  My late uPD husband used to do this!  I swear they all read the same Guidebook. 

He used to pretend he couldn't walk.  He had walkers as props!     Even a wheelchair.   He was pretending!!!!   

Ironic thing was though, as he approached the end of his life, he truly couldn't walk.  So all those props were used for real. 

Karma!  I thought it and he even said it!

Used to be awful when he came over our house for xmas day - he had the whole family as his "audience" to play up....

He'd say he needed the bathroom and then I'd have to help him. He'd literally shuffle forward an inch at a time, all the while saying "oh dear oh dear oh dear and moaning and groaning". He'd flop his entire weight onto my arm and I'd have to drag him.

Even my kids used to laugh at the "show".

Like I said, when I took him home he's scoot back and fore at speed.

[p123]

Wow yeah my mother does this. Always reaching out for help to run errands and making me go out of my way to help her do things. In some cases it involves money like sending it to family for her, in other cases its stuff she needs me to do because she doesn't want my dad to know, and other cases its because she doesn't have her car to drive. I would get frustrated because i would have to work my regular job and then have to do something for her and it is exhausting. And DH always gets annoyed "why do you have to do that for her?" because my brother lives at home and he should be able to do stuff for her but she still reaches out to me.

I live 25 miles from Dad so its an hour round trip. Bought him a chest freezer. He deliberately keeps it pretty much empty so he can play the "no food" card then expects me to buy and drop in £20 worth of food. Oh and he likes a particular type of frozen meal that is only sold in the supermarket called Morrisons (in the UK). Guess which supermarket is near me but nowhere near his house?

[GentleSoul]

My stomach always shudders when a manipulative person wants to borrow something or lend me something.   My spidey sense shouts at me that it is all about getting further access to me to either return the item to me or me have to return it to them.

Is like a Free Pass to further access to me, if that makes sense.

Was like when we used to look after cat for my uPD dad when he was going on holiday.  It meant collecting/returning the cat, which I didn't mind but dad always tried to make it into a several hours long visit. No, thanks.

Just now a neighbour rang my doorbell and disturbed my peace and quiet.  I answered the door and he asked me if I knew the address of a certain company around here.  What the heck??  I just stared at him and suggested he Google it.  Which is all I would have done.  He knows the company name.  Just look it up.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.

What is it with people? 

This thread came to my mind. 

This chap is perfectly capable of looking the address up.  He has the tech.   

I felt quite annoyed when then pleased me.  A normal reaction!! Not one coming from a place of F.O.G. 

Progress in my recovery.