Mother Son Enmeshment

[moglow]

Hey! glad to hear things have stabilized somewhat. You'll learn to live your boundaries and limit the ammunition you provide her, while you go on and live your life. You shouldn't have to cut your mother out entirely to do that, but know that even if it comes down to that drastic a measure you're not alone.

FYI - one of my brothers [the golden child] is near 60, never married. Mommie dearest had a hand in melting down every relationship I knew him to have. Obv he had his own stuff and made some poor choices, but over time md saw it as her right and obligation to insert herself and confront one woman after another. She blamed her problems with him on the lady at the time, never acknowledging that this was a repeat performance OR that she had problems with everyone she saw as "competition." Mother prefers to blame someone -anyone- outside whoever she's confronting at the time, and she's never wrong in her own behavior. Speak up and tell her she's out of line or even just needs to back off, and she'll melt the flesh off your bones.

[NarcKiddo]

So glad to hear things have got calmer. Good for you.

[timothyhayes]

FYI - one of my brothers [the golden child] is near 60, never married. Mommie dearest had a hand in melting down every relationship I knew him to have. Obv he had his own stuff and made some poor choices, but over time md saw it as her right and obligation to insert herself and confront one woman after another. She blamed her problems with him on the lady at the time, never acknowledging that this was a repeat performance OR that she had problems with everyone she saw as "competition." Mother prefers to blame someone -anyone- outside whoever she's confronting at the time, and she's never wrong in her own behavior. Speak up and tell her she's out of line or even just needs to back off, and she'll melt the flesh off your bones.

That is nuts! I hate that it resonates with me. But you're right, I need to speak up to her about this. I have multiple times, and she has said sorry but it's like the cycle always finds a way to repeat.

[moglow]

TH, you can speak to her about it until you turn purple, but your actions will tell the tale. as i suggested earlier, be wary of handing her ammunition for the next or future rounds. Keep any discussion about your relationship with her/mother - dont let it derail by bringing others into it. She's not likely to take well to being called into question and may try to blame others.

[timothyhayes]

TH, you can speak to her about it until you turn purple, but your actions will tell the tale. as i suggested earlier, be wary of handing her ammunition for the next or future rounds. Keep any discussion about your relationship with her/mother - dont let it derail by bringing others into it. She's not likely to take well to being called into question and may try to blame others.

My girlfriend asked me today if she should send any Christmas gifts to my mother and father. I was hesitant to say yes. Should I keep her out of contact with my mother?

[Leonor]

Hi Timothy!

Whoa!

These are two separate relationships:

1. Your relationship with your mother
2. Your relationship with your girlfriend.

Relate to your mother as an adult man: respect, appreciation. But also separate, independent.

Relate to your girlfriend as an adult man: respect, cherish. But also privacy, intimacy.

Most of all, relate to yourself as an adult man: with integrity, clarity, and boundaries.