Our Family Wizard?

[Penny Lane]

For those of you that use OFW, can you tell me what are the benefits and any tips you have for making the most of it? How is it different than just emailing/keeping a shared calendar/spreadsheets of expenses? What features are the most helpful?

[WesternLover]

Hey Penny Lane - I used it for a little bit. Three months into using it my DS-9's uNPD and uASPD threw a fit and refused to use anymore. He complained it was a big hassle, and that he couldn't be bothered with it, so he chose to disregard it entirely. Plus he hated the fact his communications could easily/officially be exposed to the court. Additionally, if he couldn't use me as a verbal punching bag, via text messages, he'd rather not communicate altogether. You know narcissists too, they have little patience for being inconvenienced. In my case it didn't matter as much that he ditched the family wizard because we are so far away geographically. I have full physical and legal custody plus a restraining order against dad.

I have noticed from talking to other parents on this forum in the past, the PD always HATES using OFW with a passion. My case is not unique. So I consider it more valuable in the sense it can cut way back on the shenanigans they play communicating directly.  It bugs the PD the court is now directly involved in the communications, and even though you can easily submit your own documentation in court, it somehow gives them the feeling of being more exposed, that their games will be dragged into the spotlight, so they quit playing. Even though maybe the tools it provides are not necessarily superior that what you may use, it makes it worth it for that reason. I also think the courts like having a system that is more uniform across all cases.

[sonto92]

Penny Lane - I had OFW put in place by a judge as the sole means of communication between my BPDx and I.  We also have a 24 hour window to respond to one another.  For me, it takes away the "he said, she said" of communicating over the phone and it significantly easier to track than trying to organize all of your email communication.  We have also been using the expense feature on OFW and this is going to come in handy because this will be our next big problem to deal with.  My BPDx is arguing that she shouldn't have to pay some shared expenses for the kids that are not medical (gymnastics, dance) because these expenses "happened on my parenting time (her reasoning - not mine).  Never mind that she had claimed some non-medical expenses that, if we use the "parenting time" criteria, essentially she should be paying for these expenses and not me, using her criteria. 
I say all of this because I needed to forward a list of expenses to her and attorney and look to clarify how we were going to handle all of these expenses in question.  On the expense register, I could click on the expenses that I wanted isolated into categories and was able to either print it or send it as a PDF. 
I really like OFW - I keep things BIFF and it minimizes the amount of conflict in the communication between us.  Of course my BPDx could flat out refuse to use it, but it would be in violation of a court order.  I pressed pretty hard to get this in place and I had plenty of evidence to show that communication was a problem.

[Penny Lane]

Thanks guys. This is helpful. My biggest concern about OFW is that BM can still do all her same shenanigans but now DH is paying $100 a year for it. Like, what you said about asking for expense reimbursement that she's not entitled to and/or refusing to pay for expenses that she's required to. OFW doesn't actually stop her from being able to do that. Oh well, I guess if they sign up it'll be easier for DH to document it anyway. No matter what rules or websites exist you're still coparenting ("coparenting," hah) with a PD, there's no magic bullet.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi PL!

We tried to use OFW for a long time, but BM flipped out an refused.  DH offered to pay 100%, but she still refused.  The part we really wanted was the audit trail of what was added, deleted, changed.  We had a lot of problems with using google calendar because she would update events on our time at the last minute.  I think my favorite was showing up to a church function (her church, not ours), and while we were driving she added to the invite "potluck"  .  Luckily, some angel on here told me how to turn on notifications for google calendar, so I see every change she makes in my email, when she makes it.  The good thing is, she has no idea I get the notifications so I can see if/when she is playing games.

I think the financial part would be helpful too.  It's  a central area to capture all of that information, and if there is a dispute it is documented. 

The part I was cautious about was the response requirements.  As Sonto mentioned, usually there is a 24 hour requirement to response, applies to both parents.  Often, that was not a good idea with BM in our situation because she would be in escalation mode, and a response made that quickly would launch her to the next level.  I think you can see if the other person has read the email, so if you have an angry PD that knows you read their email and have yet to respond....could be ugly.  Their behavior would be documented in the system, but for us that really meant nothing.  Nobody really paid any attention to the abusive emails from BM, and they had the full set of them (and  a judge got a full copy of them, read them, and saw nothing but her claims of being destitute). 

I guess the bottom line- if you can spend the $100 to try and see if she will use it, go for it.  I guess you can always say you want to revert back to regular email if you guys are paying for it and it's not working. 

[Penny Lane]

If I'm understanding DH right, it's BM (or maybe her lawyer) who wants them to use it. He's not opposed to it but also not convinced that it'll actually make things better. Maybe if it's her idea she'll be more willing to participate. Finances/expenses have been the main source of conflict lately so I guess they're going to start there and see how it goes.

I would NOT like a 24 hour response requirement for all the reasons you said. I know DH feels the same and I don't even think BM would like it. So hopefully they don't end up getting stuck with that as part of the deal.

[anxiousmom]

If I'm understanding DH right, it's BM (or maybe her lawyer) who wants them to use it. He's not opposed to it but also not convinced that it'll actually make things better. Maybe if it's her idea she'll be more willing to participate. Finances/expenses have been the main source of conflict lately so I guess they're going to start there and see how it goes.

I'm kind of surprised BM is the one who suggested it. I keep reading that the PD parent doesn't like it because they don't like being held accountable to the professionals.

[Penny Lane]

I was really surprised too. It seems extremely uncharacteristically productive of her. That's why I think it might be coming from the lawyer, like maybe it's a sort of boilerplate thing they suggest in high conflict situations. I think one or both of their lawyers also suggested it during the original divorce, too, but they decided it wasn't worth the cost.

On the other hand BM does so much projection I also could see her liking the idea of DH being "held accountable." Even though the reality is that he already writes emails and otherwise behaves like a judge is going to eventually read it whereas she will send just the most terrible things in writing.

My guess/worry is that once she actually gets on there and realizes she's being held more accountable she will try to back out of using it. Which I guess is another reason that I don't want us to get our hopes up too much about this new system.

[HopefulOne44]

Hi Penny..

What a great thread! 

I have just begun to use OFW so I am as curious as you are about how to optimize it's use, but I will share from my limited experience.

For me - and this may be totally obvious - one of the best things is that I have been able to use OFW in place of all phone calls, regular texting & email - a one-stop shop, if you will.

You can select to have notifications come to you via text &/or email, and can choose what you'd like to be notified of.  There isn't much need that I can see for any other means of communication.

At present, I have elected to be notified of EVERYTHING, so I receive texts AND emails showing when he's read, replied, posted or deleted anything.  I may change this in time but I like the idea of documenting things like his lack of responsiveness as it may help support my case when he tries to modify the custody arrangement.

I told my uPDh that "to avoid any confusion caused by using several different means to communicate", that I was going to pro-actively block his regular texts and email and use OFW exclusively "so neither of us misses anything"... That is how I 'sold it to him', and he seemed to take it alright. 

I also really like the Journal aspect of the service.  Once you make an entry, it shows up as an icon on your calendar so you know which days have entries & each entry can be designated as private, or accessible to family or professionals. 

In my journal, I'm noting things like late pick ups/drop offs, when kids come back disregulated, sick, etc.. What they ate & did while visiting stbx, etc.. I have been journaling for years, so to make the shift from my old journal to OFW, I just made a note on my old one that reads "From this day forward, OFW" and continued journaling there.

I like the color coding and the different views you can select where it come to the Calendar.

You assign a color to each member of the household. 

Then, when you look at your calendar to see who is picking up an dropping off kids for a certain activity, for example, you will see a visual reference by color as to who is going the the pickup/drop off.  You can also select to see only YOUR responsibilities (your ex's are eliminated when you apply the filter).  This is very nice feature for visually oriented people.

By the way - for those who have yet to draft a MSA - I had it put into our MSA that we "must use OFW or a comparable service". 

This is something that I read here on Out of the FOG, so thank you!!   I really am SO grateful I did as this as it has given me great piece of mind and helps me to feel supported and not utterly alone in navigating the new territory of parallel parenting.

BTW, I would NOT recommend "a comparable service" in the wording of your MSA. 

I would go just with noting the particular service that you want.  The reason being that it could be a point of contention if PD was set against your choice and you'd be left with yet ANOTHER thing to have to debate. 

I about panicked when I realized my stbxuPD might insist on using Google Calendar. 

Nothing against GC, but I wanted a service that allowed for professional access, the monitoring, ability to handle expenses, AND the "Tone Meter" (or "A$$hole meter" as my attorney called it LOL!) as a reassurance that I wasn't being aggressive or hostile as my stbx might want to claim.

I realize these are small things, but when you're hanging by a thread any little thing helps, right?

Anyway, I hope this is of some benefit to you and to others who will read.    

Thanks again for posting this.  I plan to view & post as I become more adept at using the system.

Blessings!

HopefulOne44

[Penny Lane]

Thank you so much HopefulOne! This is very detailed and very helpful.

This is really clever and I really wish DH had done it on the front end:

I told my uPDh that "to avoid any confusion caused by using several different means to communicate", that I was going to pro-actively block his regular texts and email and use OFW exclusively "so neither of us misses anything"... That is how I 'sold it to him', and he seemed to take it alright.