Feel like we hit a new low

Cascade · February 17, 2024, 01:52:54 AM

Years ago I remember thinking our marriage was in a bad place, and that we must be at an all time low. Then another year goes by and I realize we have somehow even drawn further apart. It seems to get worse and worse. For instance, when my husband travelled for work, he used to text me. Now I get nothing unless I text first and he will only maybe reply if I ask him a question. He doesn't even hug me goodbye. I wish it didn't bother me, considering the way he's treated me over the years, but it does.

notrightinthehead · February 17, 2024, 02:04:41 AM

Yes. Sometimes when I had a moment of clarity and looked at our relationship it was just sad. So very sad.
What do you do to keep your spirit up? How can you not let this bring you down?

Cascade · February 17, 2024, 07:20:05 PM

I'm usually pretty good at distracting myself to keep myself from feeling so sad, but sometimes it just gets to me.

Jsinjin · February 17, 2024, 10:18:24 PM

I totally understand. It seems the PD actually either doesn't care or their brain just doesn't register that their spouse needs acknowledgement. It's such a strange wiring emotionally

Poison Ivy · February 17, 2024, 10:38:31 PM

Indifference can feel as bad or worse than conflict.

Associate of Daniel · February 17, 2024, 11:15:49 PM

Cascade, this is where my marriage was for several years until my u/NPD exH finally left. I was so relieved (although devastated) when he finally did. It's just so not normal and at times even now, 11+ years later, I'm still flabbergasted at a lot of his emotional disconnection at times when he was most needed. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

AOD

square · February 18, 2024, 11:37:48 AM

Quote from: Cascade on February 17, 2024, 01:52:54 AMYears ago I remember thinking our marriage was in a bad place, and that we must be at an all time low. Then another year goes by and I realize we have somehow even drawn further apart. It seems to get worse and worse. For instance, when my husband travelled for work, he used to text me. Now I get nothing unless I text first and he will only maybe reply if I ask him a question. He doesn't even hug me goodbye. I wish it didn't bother me, considering the way he's treated me over the years, but it does.

I relate to that a lot.

The texting thing is my fault. MC/GR for me means I don't share stuff about my day or things I am looking forward to or worried about. Because I wouldfrequently regret it. And I don't ask him about his day because it's just going to be complaints and I'm sick of it.

H noticed and pushed me for years to open up again.

Some months ago he stopped trying. A few times a month we have texts like "please pick up milk" and that's it. Nothing else to say.

Years ago he stopped wanting phone calls when I was away. Six weeks go by without us talking even once. I know of two different couples who have pubicly stated their desire to end their marriages who nevertheless checked in daily over the phone when apart.

Heck, they eat meals together, say hello and goodbye, and just plain see each other every day. I literally do not see my husband, who I live with, other than one 10-60 minute interaction once a week. And that interaction makes me nervous, I dread it.

I also feel like it shouldn't bother me but it's lonely. I don't feel lonely being alone, I feel lonely being chained to someone so disconnected.

Cascade · February 18, 2024, 04:24:17 PM

Thanks for all your replies, I knew I wouldn't be alone among this group. I was just talking to someone about how very little I know my husband. Been married for over 25 years and while I know his personality, I don't know what he believes, his political views or views about most things.

Poison Ivy,

QuoteIndifference can feel as bad or worse than conflict.

Yes, so true.

Associate of Daniel

Quotethis is where my marriage was for several years until my u/NPD exH finally left.

I have wondered if he's thinking of leaving.

Square,

QuoteI also feel like it shouldn't bother me but it's lonely. I don't feel lonely being alone, I feel lonely being chained to someone so disconnected.

Yes, that's exactly it!

sunshine702 · February 22, 2024, 07:45:17 AM

So I do not feel very secure. And yes often lonely but if I try to bring it up I will be accused of LYiNG. I try to explain how INSECURE I feel. It's been 7years now and a new place and he still will not even think of marrying me. I did not want that in the beginning but after his father died I started looking at things different. Death does that to you. I honestly don't think Mr Avoidant will ever marry me. Which I guess is ok because the state of the relationship. I just want the security is that too much to ask? I have grown ok with completely alone it's the insecure that bothers me

Cascade · February 23, 2024, 01:18:01 AM

Sunshine, marriage might not bring the security that you think it will bring, especially with a person that doesn't care about making you feel secure.

NBRiverGuy · February 23, 2024, 05:53:09 PM

I realized that I was enabling my wife's incessant complaining by trying to relate and be understanding. I recently told her that it wasn't healthy for me to continue participating in all of this negativity. When she starts, I disengage from the conversation. I think she actually prefers it that way. She doesn't have to wait for me to finish talking before she can start again.

sunshine702 · March 07, 2024, 10:28:55 AM

Quote from: Cascade on February 23, 2024, 01:18:01 AMSunshine, marriage might not bring the security that you think it will bring, especially with a person that doesn't care about making you feel secure.

I absolutely know that intellectually. Emotionally though it's been 7 years, a death in the family, we are now right here now dealing with his family every day, we moved into a new house (in his name). These are all thing married couples do and I am still in this role from 7 years ago. A less than role. All of the duties none on the foundation. So as my therapist says I am reacting to having a foundation of sand right now. I drove by some fancy apartment in the city I work in one day a week. Drove around them twice looking. To me it is I am to play the married ROLE while his avoidant self gets to be able to throw me out of HIS HOUSE for saying anything about HIS MOM without any recourse.

Trust me I do not know what the right answer is. It probably is not marriage but I feel I have the right to discuss it with him and his mom without rage and sneering. As Ramani says if you stay at least be honest with yourself. I am staying because I BUILT THIS TOO even if I am not afforded legal position only the look.
Marriage does change things. I know I have been married once and engaged once.

Those apartment represent a single me.....
versus this insecure woman I have become

sunshine702 · March 07, 2024, 10:45:40 AM

The modern couple spends less than an hour a week talking I heard on a recent relationship podcast I was listening to. And then it is mostly practical matters related to house and children then.

There is no time for conflict but that is emotional neglect.l too. I liken it to watering a plant once a year.

sunshine702 · March 07, 2024, 12:42:33 PM

For me yes this - a primal need to feel CHOSEN and then SAFE.

Total lightbulb moment. 💡

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk_SvxviWb8

Boat Babe · March 08, 2024, 05:51:18 PM

Quote from: sunshine702 on February 22, 2024, 07:45:17 AMSo I do not feel very secure. And yes often lonely but if I try to bring it up I will be accused of LYiNG. I try to explain how INSECURE I feel. It's been 7years now and a new place and he still will not even think of marrying me. I did not want that in the beginning but after his father died I started looking at things different. Death does that to you. I honestly don't think Mr Avoidant will ever marry me. Which I guess is ok because the state of the relationship. I just want the security is that too much to ask? I have grown ok with completely alone it's the insecure that bothers me

I thing that chasing security is a losing game personally. There is no guaranteed security in life. Anything can happen, at any time, and often does. Being tied by legal marriage does not guarantee anything. If anything, being tied to a person who does not meet your emotional needs is the royal road to misery. Why do that to yourself? Is it financial security you want? Again, marriage does not guarantee financial security - I have read awful stories here of financial abuse by PD spouses. I have always worked and always had my own money - not much (I was a teacher) but enough to run when I had to, make decisions that affected my son and generally do what I wanted to do. I take pride in not being supported financially by a man.