Advice needed on non ignorable family events

[candy]

We have a major family event coming and DH and I disagree on how to handle our attendance as a family. GC-BIL is going to marry.
I am not willing to take our toddler into an explosive situation. DH wants to show unity as a little family.

NPDMIL and uNEnFIL who I am NC with will attend. They have not seen DD for a year now and did not make any attempts to clear the air with me or DH.
Little backstory: The ILs went into narcissistic rage mode over our boundaries as parents. MIL got physical with me when she tried to grasp baby-DD. As a side note she has announced to be the real mother to my child.
I let their ST slip into NC for me and DD. DH is VLC, all his attempts to work through the conflict with his parents have been actively and passive-aggressively ignored.

My relationship with GC-BIL and his fiancé is somewhat coolish since they have taken MILs side and showed nothing but ignorance towards our DD (which they claim is my fault). I would have loved them to stay out of the conflict but they chose otherwise. They have never asked about our experiences with MIL and FIL, or let's say our side of the story.
BIL has claimed to know ,,the truth" and told my DH to wake up and put me ,,in my place". I guess it is safe to say that BIL doesn't like me or the person my DH has become being with me.

DH and I agree that whatever we do or do not, we will be scapegoated and there is major MIL drama coming our way. Possibly GC-BIL drama as well.

I feel alone. I know I am not but it does not make my feeling of anxiety go away. I honestly think DH shall put DD and me first. DH feels obligated to attend his brother's wedding and he thinks it is somehow our duty to go along. He said he may write to MIL and FIL and tell them our rules for the day of the event (no touching, no drama, no whisking away our DD), he asked whether I want to meet them and tell them directly. No. I've had enough meetings.

If it was only me, I'd say ok, let's do that wedding medium chill and grey rock. But I know how quickly my ILs escalate and get verbally abusive and that they don't care about kids being present. I have let my guard down once and I still struggle with it, I do not want to expose DD to their toxicity again. Because this time I know about its full extent.

I know NPDMIL will love to tell an audience in the size of a wedding party about how I estranged her son and grandchild from her when all she wanted to give was pure love   

It won't feel pleasantly but if people believe her story, that's their choice. I am not going to defend myself, I am practicing answers like ,,interesting, how about you? Do you have a nice hotel?" .... and I am willing to leave situations that violate my boundaries.

If MIL tries this occupy BIL and his fiancées' special day with her drama, I will withdraw myself from those talks or situations. I won't participate in ruining their day. It simply is not about me or MIL.

I have no plan yet on how to handle DH if he is unable to follow through with consequences once the IL's violate our boundaries.

Has anyone been there? How do you handle family events that cannot be ignored? Do you take your kids with you?

I am explicitly open towards points of view or strategies that differ from mine. I feel like I need a brainstorming on what is appropriate here.

[Alexmom]

Have you explored just having your DH attend his brother's wedding and you stay home?  In reading your post I just can't see any compelling reasons for you to attend.

This is how I handled some of the IL functions prior to going NC. I stayed home and DH went solo and it was all good.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

At the very least, get a babysitter! If you're at all thinking you would need to specify DO NOT REMOVE MY CHILD FROM ME keep that child well away from those people! Oh my gosh!

[qcdlvl]

I'm sorry that you're in this position.

If you're at all thinking you would need to specify DO NOT REMOVE MY CHILD FROM ME keep that child well away from those people!

For me, if they had a history of getting physical my child not being there would be non-negotiable. I see no reason to expect your ILs will actually abide by any rules you state. In fact, they may break them precisely because "no one tells them what to do." I also see nothing to be gained by you attending - it seems they (and BIL too) have already made up their minds to hate you, so there's no actual downside to displeasing them, since they hate you anyway.

[all4peace]

I think I understand what your DH is getting at--providing a united front for the sake of his family. If that's what his purpose is, then I can really admire the loyalty and boundaries behind that.
Otoh, this obviously causes you significant concern with very good reason.

I can't remember if I read it elsewhere, or read it on this forum, but one philosophy of marriage is that married couples do ONLY the things that they have both agreed on. Sometimes that leaves one person really uncomfortable, but it protects the marriage and the preferences of the most uncomfortable person.

DH and I have gotten to the point where we talk about the pros and cons back and forth, and then we settle on the thing we can both live with. Quite often, it feels far less friendly to me than would be my personal preference, but it's also wonderful to not be creating more conflict with DH.

I agree with the above posters who feel that speaking boundaries would be like waving a red flag, based on how you've described your ILs.
I also agree that based on their past behavior they don't seem embarrassed about creating scenes and so cannot be counted on to behave themselves.

I don't know what to advise except to weigh the pros and cons and keep your priorities in focus--decide whether that's showing up for extended family members, or protecting your marriage and child. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

[bloomie]

candy - a loaded family event with high conflict people. Yikes! This is hard stuff to navigate. Every situation is different, but for us my DH is THE PRIZE with his family. It would be a huge win for him to attend a family event without me.

So, two things here I can see... the well being of your little one - number one priority over anything and anyone else I would imagine for you and your DH and that is a really easy one... weddings are not appropriate places for toddlers especially when there are family members that have a history of physically and emotionally inappropriate behaviors. Toddlers talk during communion and want to wander around because they are toddlers and the expectation they conform to the dignity of a wedding ceremony is not really very fair to them and an easy out for the LO to stay home with loving and trusted caregivers away from the event.

It might be a simple compromise to wear something... a necklace, bracelet, something that represents your precious child as a way of "bringing" them with you and honoring them. That might seem odd, but it has really helped me to do things like this and to center myself when things get hard in the moment. I remind myself of who I am going home to, the beauty and rewards of my life and marriage, FOC, and it really redirects me.

The other issues seems to be your H's discernment that unity is important to show to his family. I would not easily dismiss that, though you are not obligated to attend if it is just too much for you.

You can show unity by attending the ceremony only with your DH. Arrive a very short time before and leave soon after. You can show unity by attending the ceremony and the celebration afterwards for a short period of time all the while staying glued to each other. And you can show unity by going to both and dancing the night away.

As long as you approach this as something to solve and resolve how to handle together you will be strong through it.

In setting verbal boundaries before you go... only you both know if this would be a productive and helpful thing to do, but in my own case this would just amp up the potential drama and aggressive behaviors the day of. In my own in laws case I have learned that giving them something concrete to oppose like this brings more toxicity to an already toxic environment.

We have learned to live out our boundaries with dignity and grace. We are cordial guests as if at a cocktail party for a local event where we are not engaged beyond the most superficial of conversations and if someone is acting out, we move on/and or hit the road.

Good luck with this! 

[all4peace]

 

Absolutely LOVE the logic of letting your toddler stay at home with a baby-sitter. I've attended weddings where children are not invited--too busy, too expensive, etc. Although your ILs are unlikely to appreciate it if you made that choice, it's a totally logical and even age-appropriate option.

[Solong]

Also love the logic Bloomie provides about deciding your level of contact on the wedding day. Ceremony, cocktail, or full reception are all perfectly acceptable levels of participation-all while being next to DH the whole time. And yes, leave your DD at home. Our situations run parallel; we attended 3 big family events prior to going NC and left DD at home because the drama level was too high.

[Fiasco]

Just wanted to join the chorus encouraging you to leave DD at home. She's not meant to be a human shield for your DH when he goes into hostile territory.

Also wanted to suggest that weddings are not "non ignorable". It's not your wedding, it's the wedding of people who don't appear to like you. You don't have to go and if your DH wants to show a united front with you he doesn't have to go either.

[candy]

If I could send a ton of hugs out to you kind people, I'd do so. My honest thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging replies!
Your responses help me to sort my thoughts. In fact I sometimes take some notes on recurring thoughts here to find the right words when talking to DH.

I already felt taking our toddler was an awful idea - and it's been quite overwhelming for me how everyone here agreed.
CallMeCordelia and Solong, thank you for pointing it out the way you did. It's good to know that others have chosen to keep their kids away from drama, too.

If you're at all thinking you would need to specify DO NOT REMOVE MY CHILD FROM ME keep that child well away from those people!

This line really made sense to DH, a good way to say it!

Bloomie , thank you for putting it the way you did. It helped us to distinguish DH's feeling of obligation from our LO's interest.
I've found asking questions very helpful: why do you want to take DD there? Why do you want me to attend? What are you afraid of? What amount of time - reception, ceremony, celebration - feels acceptable to you? What is acceptable for me?

It turns out DH sees BIL's wedding as an opportunity to stay connected to BIL, by avoiding to cause offense. We sadly agree that there will be no win. Whatever DH or him and me as a couple do, we can only loose. I mean loosing as in MIL and FIL and possibly BIL and his fiancée as well will point towards us for anything that goes wrong. Anyhow, DH still wants to go.

It makes me sad. The relationship between DH and BIL is not close, and I keep repeating to DH, that grown scapegoated child who still feels accountable for anything off within his relationships: the quality, the closeness between siblings is on the two of you, 50:50. You are not the source of estrangement/badness/evil on this planet!

Well, we now agree on leaving DD at home. DH is going to briefly and politely inform BIL that DD won't attend.
BIL has done me a huge favor some days ago by asking us to bring a highchair and toddler friendly tableware. Date and location have been set for months and they have just now asked the host of the event if it is kids-friendly? Apparently it is not, so there's another reason for us to not bring our LO.

Our ongoing discussion is about what consequences to apply if the IL's violate our boundaries again. How much drama will make us leave the situation, leave the wedding? How uncomfortable does is have the get before we leave?

I feel I should clarify why we cannot just skip the wedding. DH has been asked to be BIL's best man, it is something cultural. Frankly I don't get why BIL would have asked DH in the first place as BIL clearly doesn't value DH, but again it is something mysteriously cultural. I think it is very dysfunctional but concordant with their family system, it's what they ought to do.

Alexmom, Fiasko, qcdlvl, I appreciate how you point out that I could just stay home bc I'm obviously not welcome at this event. I feel I cannot skip it, I would like to have DH's back. We are on the same team, glued together, our marriage and our bond as parents of DD is important for DH to display in this setting. If there is anything positive about this whole situation, it will be DH sending a clear message to his parents and brother: this is my wife and I choose her, I want her here with me. That kind of message.

As my MIL would really enjoy to see us getting a divorce, and is making bets on every little sign of distance she catches sight of, I guess DH wanting to form a united front is good. I may understand it as a statement of loyalty.

All4peace, you are right, it is uncomfortable and we have to agree on things we are both willing to do. I am glad that we've gotten to a point where our personal boundaries count. Now we are working on the part of following through with them boundaries - consequences - uh, I'm really looking forward to take this to T.

DH wants to keep his head down during the whole wedding, smile and wave, friendly MC. I asked him what he'll do in case the IL's start talking sh* about me, him, us? It'll be a provocation, he said, they'll want a reaction, DH won't give it to them.

While I understand his point of view, I struggle with this ,,let them talk" attitude. There is Mama Bear crawling to the surface and she wants to fight for her little one, husband and herself. DH's approach is probably better as it isn't offering supply. Idk, maybe I'll wear a bracelet with charms attached: one to honor our LO and one little Mama Bear as a reminder that I am capable of fighting for the integrity of my FOC. Or I'll get us two little bears to squeeze in our pockets. Anyway I love the idea of bringing sthg like that, thank you, Bloomie!