Hey fellow dad's. I relatively new here, and I am so glad to have found this area. I have been married to my uNPD wife for 15 years and we have a 9 year old son. He is a sweet boy with some age-appropriate boundary testing, but in the past few months I have seen some of her mannerisms in how she treats me showing up in his treatment of me. She enables his mistreatment of me by undermining my discipline (I take away video game, etc....) and telling him that I am being unreasonable (unless I'm mistaken, a 9-year old should not yell at a parent or call them names). I have spent so much time over the past few years but especially the past year thinking about myself and my own health. During that time I have also not done a good job of protecting him. So, lately, I have found a bit of purpose in standing between him and her when she is angry, encouraging him more, letting him know that it is not his fault, using the tools here to minimize the number of arguments that happen, etc. It is hard for dad's because the world assumes that we (men) are the abusers. In the past 3-4 years, I've basically isolated myself, when people ask how I am..."I'm good" etc...I've been seeing a Christian Counselor since March and that has helped so much. I no longer think I'm crazy. He told me that there will likely (barring a miracle) not be any change from her, but he has validated my perspective after meeting with us both together and individually. Just wanted to say Hey. Take care, Dad's.
You are not crazy.
And it is a tough place to be in. This forum is littered with people who suffered at the hands of one parent while the other stood idly by or even actively enabled the dynamics. You don't have to be perfect: but you do need to be a consistent voice.
Thank you for sharing with us. So much good strength.
I think the undermining is par for the course. I still haven't figured out how to deal with it.
Yesterday -
Children running amok
Me: "Stop that or you are grounded."
Angry uBPDw in front of children: "Don't tell them that, they are too young to understand. Discuss with me first."
Today -
Children running amok
Out-of-control uBPDw: "Stop that or you are grounded."