BM Escalation - need advice please

[PearlBailey]

Hello all,

My SS has a BM with uBPD/uNPD (psychiatrists have said she has a lot of characteristics of both).

While she has always been difficult to deal with, the last week or so her behavior has started to escalate.  She's been calling DH repeatedly (6-7 times an hour). My DH has a boundary and court order that says he should not talk to her via the phone. During this weekends visit from SS9, she kept putting him in the middle and screaming at him to give the phone to DH. DH answered once so as to take SS9 out of the middle, but then had a talk with him about telling BM that DH does not need to talk on the phone, that BM can text and that SS should not even hand the phone to him. It's hard to watch SS be put in the middle of all this.

Also, the current custody order states that pickup and dropoff is supposed to happen at SS's grandmothers home as somewhat neutral territory. All other contact between DH and BM is supposed to be via text. DH forgot something of SS's at dropoff yesterday (nothing that was so important that it couldn't wait until our weekday visit). She had the audacity to show up at our home and demand DH give the item back. She has never done this before, and DH was so shocked. He grabbed the item out of his car, threw it at her and told her to leave immediately. BM walked away screaming about what a horrible father DH was amongst other things before she left. She parked on the street and walked down the driveway, which leads me to believe she knew her behavior was well over the line. SS was in the car and saw and heard everything.

I've purchased an outdoor security camera which is on its way. We also talked about if she comes to our home again that we will immediately call the local police department while simply telling her to leave over and over. If she comes back again before the camera arrives one of us will record with our phone.

I'm shaken up by this and not sure what other options we have. I feel like the security camera, plus starting to document her behavior again is all we can do. This would be in support of the second time DH would have to take her back to court for contempt.

Is it worth contacting the police today about the incident? Or just log it and install the new camera ASAP in case she crosses the line again? Is it worth re-stating to BM that she isn't allowed nor welcome on the property? Or just let it go and do what we can to be prepared for next time?

I'm at a loss. Any advice or anyone else who has experienced similar?

[Penny Lane]

We have seen the exact same thing and in fact over and over.

The worst incident was a few years ago when BM drunkenly showed up at our house to try to take the kids. She screamed at me, screamed at DH, and wouldn't leave until we called the police on her.

What precipitated this was that DH had told her that he wasn't going to pay one of her bills that he'd been paying since the divorce.

After that DH told her never to come to the house again and tried to write that into the parenting plan (she refused).

Then for awhile she was driving by our house on a weekly basis, often when we weren't even home. We know because the neighbors would see her parked outside and call us.

Now she uses any excuse to come to our house, particularly when she's mad about something. I remember one time DSS was carrying his sports jersey back and forth and he'd just leave it in his backpack. So it was in his backpack earlier in the week, she TOOK IT OUT so that she would have an excuse to take it out and drop it off.

Most recently she again came to the house and demanded to pick up the kids during DH's parenting time. He again called the police. They recommended that we get a security camera, which we did, and the next time to not engage with her at all, just call the police right away. We got the camera and I don't know if she noticed or the kids told her, but there have been no more surprise visits.

It is very traumatic, every time! I panic and shake and for a long time after an incident I worry that every car driving by is her. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. After the first one my therapist said to make a plan for if it happens again (we came up with, get the kids away from her and record it with my phone. Now it's more like, don't open the door and let the police deal with it.) Sounds like you're doing everything right with a terrible, impossible situation.

[PearlBailey]

Thanks for the advice Penny Lane. I'm also so sorry you are dealing with an extreme BM. I definitely did not sleep well last night.

Once the camera comes we will make sure to point it out to SS so the word gets back to BM. She grills him about every second he's here anyway, so should be no issue there.

And agree on not even opening the door. DH happened to be outside already yesterday when this happened, which made it more difficult to deal with. If she ever has the nerve to come to the door we will just call the police and start recording.

[Penny Lane]

Oh yeah two times she came by and the kids were playing outside. I was really afraid that someday she would be in such a bad headspace that she would just grab them and take them.

I forgot to mention one other thing that H did, which is that his lawyer sent her lawyer a letter detailing the harassment. It wasn't a violation of the parenting plan where he could take her for contempt, but it certainly made her look bad. That bought us at least a year of good behavior and my guess is that her lawyer told her she had to stop.

Another thing he tried was a restraining order, but that got denied. That felt like a huge blow although I'm not sure a restraining order would have really changed her behavior.

[Stepping lightly]

We had issues with BM as well, but honestly we got the security camera to avoid false accusations.  We didn't intend for BM to know about it, but I guess she noticed it.  It makes me laugh because she thinks it only covers our porch, so she has her boyfriend sprint up to the door bell then safely retreat to the front yard.  the camera catches the entire front yard.  Behavior at drop has improved. 

[pushit]

I think you're on the right path with getting a security camera and somehow ensuring she knows about it.  It's amazing what the "threat" of taking it public will do to get them to behave.  If she keeps showing up and you have her on camera I'd suggest sending a few of those videos to your lawyer and have them send a letter requesting the behavior stop.  Or, go to the police and let her know you did.  I think the best way to handle these things is to put it in someone else's hands and don't participate in the back and forth arguments.

My exPDw used to do things like this.  At my old house she would drop a bag of gear at the door, leave, then text me and say "I left the ballet clothes in case you want to take (child x) to dance" (which was an activity she signed them up for on my parenting day that they didn't want to do).  Or "I left the piano books for (child y) so they can practice today".  It felt really creepy, like her showing up whenever she wanted was a way of controlling us while the kids were with me.  After I purchased a house we were having a conversation one time at a child exchange and I casually mentioned "yeah, I love the new house, it has a bunch of security cameras which are really nice".  There hasn't been a single unannounced visit since, hopefully that doesn't change.

[Stepping lightly]

BM used to show up at our house unannounced before we got married.  I don't think the marriage was the thing that stopped it, but the marriage seems to coincide with the timing of her escalating the custody situation to horrible levels and many more people being involved and watching every move.  I always thought it was interesting that someone who claimed she was abused and suffered from PTSD from said abuse, would show up unnecessarily and unannounced at her accused abusers home.  Therapists and parent coordinators never seemed to question this.....it just never added up to me.

[Penny Lane]

I just remembered that for awhile, around the same time that she was showing up at our house, BM would rage at DH in other places too. At the school or at her house - basically any time when no one but the kids were around. He started filming her out of necessity - reallllly didn't want her to attack him and then claim that he attacked her, and that seemed like where this was headed.

She freaked out and lost her mind. She claimed she had been recording him all this time, said he was harming the children by recording her screaming at him, had her lawyer write a letter saying he wasn't allowed to record her, tried to amend the parenting plan to say he couldn't record her. When none of that worked she stopped raging at him altogether.

In other words, a video, whether it's on a phone or on a security camera, really seems to be a great deterrent.

It's also interesting that they KNOW they're doing the wrong thing. All the plausible deniability in the world ("I was just dropping stuff off!" "I was forced to do this for the safety of the children!") is out the window when they won't do the thing if they know they can be caught.

[Stepping lightly]

Ha- PL, ours DID make it into the CO.  We were being attacked at every turn, it was really scary. Our CO says DH can not record, or tell anyone else to record BM or her BF (exception is the home security system).   Our stance is that I can record what I need to, but DH can't tell me to do it.  COVID has been a joy in this regard, we haven't put eyes on her since March :-)

[Penny Lane]

That's amazing!! We're seeing her every couple days, it's a nightmare. She makes a point to come out of her house when we pick up the kids and stares at them to make sure they're not talking to us when they could pay attention to her. It's a nightmare and now it seems like school pickups aren't in our near future, so I guess this is just how it is from now on.