Feeling peace- does it happen?

[Justme729]

I often wonder if it is possible to feel peace?   I have an amazing family of choice. Yet, childhood continues to pop up out of nowhere.   I want to move, to escape this city.  But my husband and kids say no.   I told my husband I feel like a burden.   My baggage is too much.  I'm tired.   I told him, I just want to move away somewhere they can stay here.   They don't need me.   I know on a core level it isn't true.   I just want to fee
Peace.   I think our current situation is triggering - a neighbor who is always saying things to me judging my parenting.   My two year old is wild and crazy.   She doesn't  exactly follow typical little girl behaviors (and so what if she tests any and all limits?).  Another neighbor who gives detailed descriptions of kids and assumed normal
Childhood conflict is a problem (negotiations in a game).  Or the other couple who posts photos of kids on Facebook being kids.   I feel completely unsafe.   I just want to escape and run away.   My middle daughter told me she's being bullied by another girl in the neighborhood.   She told the other kids they can't play with her or something.   Told her BFF in the neighborhood he had to choose and he choose them.  Of course my daughter is sensitive and also naive she just came home.  It's a small section/neighborhood so it's really hard.   .  I just want peace.   I'm afraid to move to certain places due to triggers of trauma with *her*, but something has to change.   We are going to sell
Our home and move elsewhere, I just don't want a repeat. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry, Justme. It sounds like you're in a really stressful place right now, emotionally and physically.

For the judgmental neighbor, I would select a few Medium Chill responses to have at the ready for the next time they try to stick their nose in your business or offer unsolicited advice or whatever it may be. Maybe even a polite, "Wow, you sure seem interested in what's going on with my family lately. I had no idea you were watching us so closely."

For your 2yo: what 2yo isn't wild? And maybe it's a good thing in the long run. Testing limits means learning boundaries - for herself and others. I wish I'd held onto a little bit of that wildness... maybe it would have kept me from being a doormat for all those years before I came Out of the FOG. It sounds like you have the right attitude anyway ("and so what if she tests any and all limits?"). Quite frankly, the opinions of outsiders are none of your business. (Just as your household should be none of theirs, but we can't control the behavior of other people.)

For your middle daughter who is being bullied: I went through something very similar, and it was especially hard because my unPD mother's only solution was that if I was just nicer to the bully, then maybe she'd stop. I spent my childhood internalizing it anytime someone didn't like me and wondering how I could please them. Do you think you could encourage your daughter to spend time with friends or do activities away from this group of kids? Perhaps her neighborhood BFF will get a taste of the bully's medicine and realize his mistake. But in the meantime, you can teach your daughter to let toxic people and toxic situations go, which is a wonderful boundary to have. Another thing I wish I'd learned at a much younger age.

As for your original question, about feeling peace, it does happen. But I have to admit that it is not a prolonged state or a place you "arrive" at. Peace is something I get moments of. Some are longer than other, but they are always fleeting. I don't think that's unusual, honestly. We just don't live in a very peaceful world, all things considered.

So peace is something I have to work for: by having strong boundaries in place, by telling people NO when I can't give them what they want, by being honest with myself about my needs and practicing self care often, by avoiding the people and situations that make peace impossible as much as I can.

[Justme729]

Thank you for your reply.   The two year old is a total Hot mess!   She is going to rule the world someday.   I definitely use medium chill strategies.   I typically say something along the lines of "Never a dull moment here.   Gotta love her!"  My middle is so sweet.  I wish she'd be more vocal, but she does remove herself from a situation when people are being unkind.   That is her boundary.  I respect that and won't push it unless she wants me too. 

I guess a large part of me just feels like I'm failing my kids (have a high schooler also).  I've been struggling with PPD.   I finally started to turn a corner and a covid hit.  Which caused some set backs. I want to get to a point where I don't need medicine anymore.   Where I can be content with life and feel like I don't have to keep fighting each day.   The emotional warfare of PPD and processing past trauma on top of a pandemic.   

[Spring Butterfly]

I just wanted to add my support and to say yes you can find peace and healing, it's a journey but it's a journey worth taking

[Justme729]

I just kind of wanted to post an update.   Hubby is amazing!  We may fight and get angry with each other, but we do have each other's backs.   We decided to put our house on the market.  It's under contract already!  Whoot!   Just need to get to closing next month! 

Anyways, we have really been spending time in various areas to check them out.   Seeing if we can picture ourselves there.  Nothing has been standing out.   On a whim, we went to a new park.  For the first time, my toddler didn't stand out.   Other adults cheered for her and complimented her motor strength and coordination to master the equipment with such confidence.   Never in my life have I heard that with this child.   Can I tell you the happiness I felt?   The kids at the park just started playing together like they've known each other forever.   Teens, elementary, toddlers, preschoolers.   It was so inclusive.   So somewhere we never imagined - we walked around the neighborhood after while killing time.   We meet so many wonderful people with little ones.   Found an amazing lot to build a home.   

For now, I feel some peace.   I feel some stress letting go.   The idea of just "being" and "existing" feels reachable.   

[Cat of the Canals]

That's amazing, Justme! It sounds like you've made the right choice - one that you and your whole family will benefit from. Best of luck with the closing and building!

[Justme729]

Thank you!

Apparently I'm being insensitive towards the neighbor that's been harassing us about the toddler.   I was told we aren't being respectful of their cultural values and they're just looking out for the toddler.    I hate this.   Because of PD mom I am always second guessing myself, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and so much more.   I over analyze everything to the point I lose sleep.   

Am I really being that insensitive to be frustrated, annoyed, and offended by pushing of their cultural values onto our family?   I respect theirs, we are actually polar opposites.   I'm pretty free reign and heavy focus on independence.  By free reign that doesn't mean unsupervised, but I let them explore and test their physical limits, learn by doing is my motto.  Whereas they come from a very collectivist culture. 

[Leonor]

Hello!

Yes, the peace happens.

You're doing so wonderfully. You're not doomed to a place that doesn't sit right with you. You didn't like it there. So you moved!

If your dh were miserable somewhere, like because the weather was always rainy or he always wanted a big lawn, you wouldn't demand he suck it up. You'd say, Oh cool, let's find a place somewhere warm and get one of those drive-around mowers!

I totally get the feeling of being unlovable and isolated from your own family, having too many issues, etc etc. Sometimes it feels like the pain is just seeping from my skin, and I don't want to contaminate my dh and ds with the horribleness inside of me. I feel like if I get close, I will traumatize them with my disorders. They might be sad if I leave, but they'll be better in the long run for it living with an emotionally disordered mother.

That's very normal, Just me! There's even a word for it: an emotional flashback. It's a memory of how people used to treat you when you were a little girl. You are experiencing how you felt when you were a little child. Sometimes we remember pictures (what we usually mean by "remember"). Sometimes we remember words, what someone said to us. We remember smells, or how something felt on our skin. Well, we remember feelings, too. If we had a crappy past, then we remember feeling crappy about it.

Pete Walker's "CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" is a WONDERFUL book to learn about ways to recognize emotional flashbacks and how to care for yourself as you move through them. Unfortunately, dear, moving is so life-affirming, but sometimes being safe and surrounded by love can trigger emotional flashbacks, because it's finally safe for the feelings to come up and be healed. So it's ok to feel the same way from time to time, or even more than before, because your soul, spirit, self, inner child, is ready to start the deep healing.

That kind of sucks, ok, but moving through THAT is what will bring a deep sense of peace and healing to you.

Peace!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Respecting their culture doesn't mean you have to conform to their ideas. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I was told we aren't being respectful of their cultural values and they're just looking out for the toddler.   

Like Cordelia said, respecting their values does NOT mean conforming to them. The fact that your neighbor doesn't seem to have much concern for YOUR values when talking about YOUR child is absurd, honestly. Why on earth would you parent your child to your neighbor's specifications????

Sounds to me like this person isn't mature enough to deal with a polite reminder to mind their own business. In an ideal world, they would take a hint, realize their unsolicited advice isn't welcome, and stop giving it. Simple.